meaning it...

Just been on the 2nd 'annual hOME weekend away' - it was a good time I think, I managed to avoid the usual demons that haunt these things for many of us (e.g. insecurity because lil' old me was hanging out with the "beautiful people", guilt because I wasn't doing any work) and I really had fun (I enjoyed '40-40' and 'Ultimate Frisbee' - unheard of!!) I was slightly weirded out by not really having any 1-2-1 time with anybody for 48 hours - I'm not used spending all my time with at least 3 other people or more!

Anyhow at one point we were talking about God's mission in the world and that we are called to join in with what He's up to i.e. bringing in to the world justice, peace, reconciliation, celebration (etc) with Himself and with others ... and up came the old chesnut about doing actions that show the good news of Jesus 'versus' speaking words which explain and challenge people with it (the 'dreaded' evangelism word). And whilst I am no great one for actually talking about what I believe, it struck me that very often nervous Christians are so worried about being inappropriate/ embarrassing that we forget that knowing Jesus, finding healing and wholeness with God and other people that that brings is actually really really good news - so that we devalue it, we don't celebrate it all, we don't love our friends enough to share it ever - pretty much saying to ourselves and perhaps to God that we don't really believe it...

Something that kind of connects with this, is that I've recently been challenged to connect up my core 'intellectual' beliefs in a much more real way with how I'm feeling, with the crap/good stuff I go through - it's made me realise that a lot of the time I use what have become cliches for me, other people's words (from the Bible, prayer books or songs) to relate to God, and that this means I'm not really real with Him about how I'm feeling, what I'm worried about - that actually I need to develop my own vocabulary to relate to Him, so I own what I'm saying, so that I really know that I fully mean it!

there's hope yet...

for a world dominated by corporations, it's good to know that some still have a sense of humour/ humanity. From a recent email:

Greetings from Amazon.co.uk.We're writing to correct a recent e-mail notification that we sent about "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (Book 6)."
In our e-mail, we stated that this title would not be immediately available from our suppliers, and that you may want to search for it elsewhere.
We would like confirm that this book will be available from our suppliers and will be delivered to UK customers on the day of release (July 16th 2005).
We assure you that Howlers have been sent to the Muggles responsible for this action and we are investigating the possibility that 'You-Know-Who' may have been involved.

... Otherwise am generally busy (beginning to get stressed), very behind with work, so obviously am going away for the weekend with hOME... ah well, should be good all the same!

Also 30 next week... I've recently discovered that the Medievals discovered that they thought that everyone will be 30 in heaven as that is the age of perfection (and maturity in Jewish society apparently). So I'm looking foward to being perfectly mature;)

that sinking feeling...

My friend Jon has started blogging again, and in his most recent post he was talking about conversations he had in at a dance night he goes to regularly, and one thing he said really leapt out at me:

from the 'blood sample' of my generation i took tonite, it is not faith in God that is dying but faith in ourselves...

that rings so true with me - and i guess being a Christian gives me a reason for the state we're in (our sin, our rebellion against the wonderful way God had planned for us) - but sometimes it also entirely demotivates me to invest in anything for the future - sometimes i even wonder if 'making poverty history' is worth it - after all, what impact will saving all those children, who die every second i type, have on the planet? of course each and every one matters... but we seem to have an increasing ability to screw things up... oh i dunno really, i suspect i've lost some perspective somewhere along the line!

the frightening power of consumerism

so I just had to blog about this, especially since at hOME yesterday we were thinking about God stripping away all the things we try to use to falsely define ourselves (popularity, humour, sexual attractiveness, consumerism, education etc) instead allowing our identity as a completely loved child of God to define ourselves... this article (and the story that provoked it) just shows the terrifying power of a brand... especially this comment made by a reader of the BBC website (i'm really hoping it was made tongue-in-cheek...):

Ikea is not just a furniture store, it is a religion. A true follower has to make regular pilgrimages to its temples and know it's catalogue back to front. All the queueing and hassle is worth it as ultimately you will find peace and contentment amongst your purchases and life will be better. Sue Beverley, uk

scary whatever way it was made, cos to have power it has to have some kernel of (perverse)truth!

thinking out loud with the homies

I've just posted on hOME's new blog - a record of what we've done together so we don't forget when old age finally catches up with us (!)... it's about my new huddle and what we thought about letting other people serve you - something I was really challenged about in this article in the Guardian on friendship recently.

so follow the link in the title, to find out what other things hOME has got up to recently...

... a 'log - speck moment'

Well here I was chuntering away to myself about how no-one in Oxford had posted anything recently... and then I realised I was the worst offender of all - as my long-lost friend Nicki Johnson used to say a 'log - speck moment'...

so for better or worse here I am again, what shall pearls of wisdom should I share with my 'many' eager readers?

Well, today I've started a course called 'Spiritual Formation for Leadership' (which I'm sure Jim would be fascinated by, being a training consultant) - it runs over 8 weeks for a full day each time - including a 45 minute 1-2-1 interview! After the introduction today, one of the things we started exploring was the power of our imagination, through an imaginative exercise which will be analysed and used to explore our personalities in the 1-2-1's.

What struck me particularly from the tutor's observations about the importance of the imagination was that:

• We are always talking about God in metaphorical/imaginative language - that the truth we perceive about 'Him' can never be complete, or completely expressed, whatever language we use. Which of course doesn't take much thought to realise, however I've never explicitly put that in the context of thinking about the power of the imagination!
• Our behaviour is constantly determined by what we imagine our future to be - i.e. by making it happen
• Faith is an exercise of the imagination about things we cannot fully see now and in the future ... as I write it down it sounds like that's a dismissal of the truth of what we believe in, but it's not, it's more an acknowledgement of the limits of what we can perceive.
  

So, all very interesting stuff. I'm very glad to have got started - having seen people go through the course last term made me both excited and apprehensive, as they took a deep look into themselves and their leadership styles. The participants mostly enthused about it, but also looked pretty blasted by the whole experience, as I suppose I will when I spend time looking into the complex darkness of my soul!

On a completely different tack, I've recently had the very disconcerting experience of two people tell me I'm trendy!!! Which couldn't be further from my self-perception - I always think of myself as a rather plodding, middle-of-the-road type, accidently stranded amongst trendy types (especially at church)... maybe it's the context of being at theological college... I won't try and elaborate on that, otherwise I'll unintentionally insult my fabulous colleagues for whom I have the utmost respect and affection:)

Christmas in the 'burbs...

well, here I am still at my parents - 'cos my brother is still around (back from Kenya briefly) ... not that seems to make any difference to how much we see him, he's off out catching up with friends! (all my friends from school have very sensibly moved away from this smug characterless town) ho-hum...

it is very weird being back here for an extended period - everyone seems to revert back into role... I seem to lose my individual identity, and just float along doing what I'm told, and running off to watch tv and surf the 'net (and doing some work, but not too much!) like the teenager I used to be ... it is really odd this lack of personal space - seems to wipe out my relationship with God as I know it (i.e. I'm not really praying, reading the Bible or thinking about stuff for myself) so what does that mean for someone who theoretically believes that being a Christian is not an individualistic enterprise, but should be about joining the body of Christ, being in community? does this mean I have totally the wrong model of spirituality to match this ideal? maybe so...

on a lighter note, Christmas has been fun, seen a lot more of both sides of the family than I often do at Christmas which is good and weird at the same time... and I've been happily watching much of what my new 'Return of the King' extended edition dvd has to offer - great stuff:)

We're all teenagers...

I've just stumbled across this fascinating article about the power of youth in an aging culture... I think the church, and especially the 'emerging' church movement has succumbed to this worldview fairly whole-heartedly... and I'm not sure this is a good thing! The writer says:

The turning point, of course, was the 1960s. Until then, young people were largely ignored in a culture that was determinedly and stiflingly middle-aged. A generation, who were brought up in very different conditions from those of their parents, rebelled in a way that remains unprecedented in western society.

Why is it unprecedented? What are we missing? (I'm not questioning that we've gained things) previous cultures really valued their elders, whereas I'm not even sure I know how to even listen properly to the wisdom of my elders anymore - I'm reading a book written in 1968 which is supposed to be a seminal work (Francis Schaeffer's The God Who Is There) and apart from the fact I only dimly understand some of it, I struggle to escape the attitude of 'this is so modernist, what can it possibly have to say to me?' ! Surely it will have something to say... after all I don't seem to have that problem with the Bible or the early church writers... hmmm - any comment?

happy/sad...

a dear friend of mine got engaged last week, and mostly I am so chuffed that he did, like you wouldn't believe...

but things like that also make me sad, 'cos changes like these has often meant losing things that are precious - and friendships have to be the most precious things to me... whilst this change wouldn't necessarily mean that we'll lose touch anymore than the fact that we will be leaving college and going off to different places, it just was a marker which made me reflect on leaving people behind, and how rubbish it is, and how I've done it too often, and how at the moment I don't have anyone (apart from the big G obviously) who'll stay with me - and that makes me sad... ho-hum!

Will I ever learn to thrive on change I wonder?! Does leaving people benefit me and them sometimes? It would be good to have some clue about the answers!

I'm not sure whether the fact that I'm visiting friends in Sheffield this coming weekend helps me or not... but I am very much looking forward to it:)

Humorously convicting...

I've just found this on Maggi Dawn's blog... and I'd just been musing to my friend Stevie J that I'm still struggling with my more conservative brothers and sisters in the Christian world... and also with those who disagree with me polictically... oh to be humble, and loving, and right too;) !

mutuality...

further to my previous post (thanks for the comments Pete and Jen, they really helped:)... I think what I've been edging towards for a long while is:

• learning to celebrate what is great about the opposite sex, to honour and respect men for who they are, not denigrate them for what they're not (which is where the wondering about giving them priority in leadership came from) ...
• at the same time (like Jen said) cherish what's fab about being a woman from the 'frivolous' to the 'deep' stuff, and not to sell myself short
  

it's all good, these difference that God has made:) ... perhaps that's another layer of meaning to that thing in the marriage service that says 'what God has joined let no one seperate'?!

well better get on with my 'worship' (i.e. liturgy) essay... ho-hum

oh boy, what to say?

For ages I've been trying and failing (and therefore deleting before publishing) to write a post on the whole man/woman communication/role deal... 'cos it is a deal - especially in this weird world of theological college, where there's a maximum of 1/3 of the students being female - a bit of an anomaly in my experience of life (my uni days was in a place where trainee teachers and occupational therapists ruled, and therefore there were loads more women there) ...

having been brought up in a 'post-feminist' environment, it's taken me a while to learn that actually there are differences between men and women that do matter (this lack of recognition of the difference as a child for example, meant that it never occurred to me that the adverts for the army didn't directly apply for me). Whether they should or not is really a different deal, but that's the way things are. And it's taken me a while to take and own the good things within 'traditional' feminine identity - not everything, but I think I hadn't been encouraged to take on some of the positive stuff of being a woman.

Of course being a woman in a traditionally male environment highlights this whole identity thing in a very particular way - despite my belief that the Bible does allow space for women to be leaders, it doesn't particularly help in providing models, and neither does much of the current church scene (traditional or emerging). I'm still not sure, and perhaps this is a dangerous thing to say, that there isn't some space for difference in the perceived priority of roles in which men and women lead and serve the church (i.e. that there are areas where men more usually take the lead) ... or maybe that's just because it's emotionally and culturally appropriate at the moment? I dunno, I really don't know what I'm talking about, I'm just trying to feel my way to the bottom of what the questions should be, nevermind the answers!

... and before you ask 1 sermon and 1 essay down, with a talk and 3 essays to go (I think the talk is written, now I just have to deliver it!) so things are looking up... tho i still wouldn't mind that extra day that Ande (see comments below) has been interceding for! And hi to Jen - I'm glad you like my 'blog... where's yours?!

tara for now;)

overloaded!!

Well, I keep thinking that I'll wait 'till I have something profound to post (it's not good reading too many blogs by people who are naturally articulate and thought-through - raises the bar way too high!) but actually that's never going to happen...

so instead I just want to say that THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH HOURS IN THE DAY!! (recover composure after embarrassing and unnecessary outburst) but really there aren't - this term at Wycliffe has been really fun, I've hung out with lots of nice people, been much more sociable than I was able to be last year. But as we approach the last 2 weeks of term I seem to have an all age sermon to give on Sunday (on being ready for the Second Coming as well...), an Alpha talk on 'how God guides us' to a bunch of sixth formers on Wednesday, and 4 essays to do.
How did that happen??!!

So actually I'm hoping for the Second Coming sooner rather than later! ... Although if I think about that a bit harder, perhaps not, I'm not sure that I am ready...

but if I'm even more silent than usual you'll know why, although blogging may become the next in a long line of procrastination techniques... watch this space (or not!)

an addition to my argument below... I think I nicked this off Jonny Baker's blog (see my random links list)

My heart cracks...

man, I haven't felt this stirred up about politics in a long time... and it's not even my own country - George W. winning over there is kinda what I expected, and to be frank I'm not sure how much good Kerry could have done... I guess we might have had a President (and as much as I'd like to think that the President of the US is just their business, it's not - they are the only superpower, and it affects us all) who didn't come across as so self-righteous and blind to other people's opinions and interests.

However the US has sucked us all in to such a mess in Iraq, the environment is getting more and more screwed up and yet there's no sign of anybody really seriously putting long term self interest before short term profit, the poor get poorer and the rich more screwed up... what can any one person, even the President of US really change, in any major way, about any of that?

What really breaks my heart tho' is what a massive divide this election has shown up, and there doesn't seem to be anyway of talking across it - both sides are so convinced they are right, that they are on the side of good and the other side are short sighted ignorant so-and-so's that there's no way of things changing. This is especially painful in the Christian world where 'evangelicals' in this country would also include in their major concerns the environment, justice for the poor and so on... whereas American 'evangelicals' seem obsessed with personal moral issues (which are, in my opinion, much more difficult to ask civil legislation to rule on) such as abortion, gay marriage and so on, over and above everything else - this includes American friends who live here - I find it so hard to talk to them about it, cos we don't even seem to be talking the same language!

I was going to say more, but I'm not sure I trust myself not to splutter with incoherent, misdirected rage at the way the world seems to be going...

Lord have mercy on us all!

remember, remember...

that life is good! I'm feeling really positive about life, the universe and everything at the moment, and I'm trying to write that down in as many places as possible, to come back to when the next turn of the wheel comes - that here on the 'mountain top' I can see things in their proper perspective (?) - to remind myself that I have some really good friends, that God loves me and that I'm part of some amazing communities.

It's not that there aren't things I'm struggling with - I'm still not brilliant at getting on top of the workload (but I'm not worrying about it quite so much), I still don't like being single (but I don't feel like a complete loser about it as I did a few months ago), I'm thinking through my faith, what it means to me and how much I really believe - how much of difference is it making to my life? And is there anything I can do to deepen my relationship with God? But I'm actually quite excited about that, despite the one step forward, two steps back progress I often make - after all having a better grasp on the fact that I can rely on God's love and faithfulness means it's not really about me, it's about discovering more of Him and His resources:)

I also came across this post about the temptations that become really strong when life is pants... wise words indeed... and on that note I shall stop, and try and think of rather more profound things to post next time!

ah-ha!

In a conversation with a wise friend yesterday I realised what I had been wittering on about in my previous post (which didn't publish properly so you couldn't comment on it even if you'd wanted to!!) basically boils down to a lack of faith, for 'faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see' (Hebrews 11:1). Which is actually hopeful, a signpost to listen out for what God's saying now and look back at what He's said in the past - since 'faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word of Christ.' (Romans 10:17)

being me...

You know, I can never believe that I'm 29, or even that I come over that way (people often tell me that they think I'm several years younger - should that be a compliment?). I think the thing is that I had expected to have made a few more decisions about who I am by now... somehow I get the message loud and clear from culture that this last decade of my life should have been the 'high point' of what makes me, me. It should have been what I'd been building up to for the previous 19 years and what I'll spend the rest of my life trying to recapture.

And yet it sure doesn't feel that way, I hardly feel like I've got started. I've bummed around in different places, doing lots of different jobs, getting little insights into different worlds and professions from doing stuff on the edges of them. But I don't think I've really got hold of the main stuff I think I could be good at, the music I really like, nor indeed the relationships that I'd like to carry with me for the rest of my life. Without any conscious need or intention to do so, I haven't lived in the same place for more than 3 years since I left home to go to University. Which has lots of consequence, including the ones I've just described.

Perhaps I'm not alone in my generation, still waiting to grow up and take responsibility... or perhaps I don't appreciate what I have done, been part of, learnt already, since 'it's only me', not easy to see as extraordinary... it's also interesting to see how much I've talked about me how the pressure is on to find an individual identity, rather than finding myself as part of something bigger. hmmm, enough already!

partially provoked by seeing The Motorcycle Diaries, getting a new haircut and having a tricky conversation with a friend yesterday... ;)

My brain is finite... but the mind of God is infinite..

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.

I have just finished two long essays (Church History, and the contemporary world) and am in the midst of what Wycliffe Hall likes to call an 'Integrated Study Week' (Birth and Baptism... with a lot more besides) ... and I am much relieved to know that:

a) God has given me a brain so that I can appreciate the many questions that are provoked by His existence and His creation...

b) That I am not expected to and cannot contain, or discover, all the answers to those questions, but that God does...

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say by that, except relief that humanity is not the peak of existence, if we are, then I'm pretty sure we are in trouble!

thoughts about community... and sunny days:)

This is great little reflection on community... and a real help for me to think about how I was feeling on Friday ... written by a guy I know vaguely through being in Sheffield...

Just to share a 'warm and fuzzy' (to counterbalance my tendency to blog when feeling rubbish) I'd just like to say that I've had a great day so far today ... up early, cup of tea, off for a swim at the new uni pool (30 lengths - new pb;), back for scrambled eggs for brekkie, sorted through stuff that has needed doing for ages, long lunch at the pub in the sunshine with hOMEies and my old friend Matt Rutter ... then Matt I went to go punting, but ended up with a big canoe... which was great ... nothing is lovelier than English rivers in the sunshine! More days like this please!!

I wish... I wish... Or do I?

Sigh... Trying to readjust to the high-pressure world of theological college (even though lectures don't start for another 3 weeks) - through the slightly odd medium of a New Wine Ordinands Conference here in Oxford - much good stuff, and feel the promise of much more good stuff from God - but oh how these things bring out all my insecurities in gloriously focused technicolour!!

It's the first time I've seen some of my fellow ordinands at Wycliffe for a while - and one of the first things they want to know is

'Did you a Have a Good Holiday?'

... and the answer is kind of complicated... in the sense that

'No, I did not Go Somewhere Sunny (because I find it hard to know who to go with/ would like to go with me... and some who said that would, didn't)... and Actually I was in Hospital for 6 Days because I had my Appendix Out and I've been Catching Up With Work and when you ask that, it feels like my 'holiday' has been A Bit of a Slog'

but also...

'Yes, as I had a lovely time catching up with my family for a few days in Devon (I nearly said heaven!) and I went to New Wine A - where I enjoyed the camping and (shock, horror) quite a few of the talks, and I had ten days in Sheffield housesitting - I really enjoyed having somewhere to have people round, and catching up with friends in a chilled out way, and going to the Peak District, and joining the Order of Mission which holds lots of possibilities for the future (mine and the Church's!)... but... that's not so concrete, is it?'

Holidays often feel like a bit of pressure to me to Have a Good Time and Chill Out... it's strange isn't it? But that's How It Is... 'cos holidays have become the obligatory high point of years where we only work under sufferance, and kicking back is What It's All About... maybe I'm coming over all bitter and twisted about this 'cos there's lots of letting go (I originally said work!) I'd like to do, about being secure enough in all that God has made me and share it with other people... actually, sometimes I am... but at the moment it feels like mostly I'm not... guess it does have to be worked through - find out what's going on underneath!

There remains, then, a Sabbath-rest for the people of God; for anyone who enters God's rest also rests from his own work, just as God did from his. Let us, therefore, make every effort to enter that rest, so that no one will fall by following their example of disobedience. Hebrews 4: 9-11

Perhaps we need to 'make every effort' (!) to live in that rest body, mind and spirit!

this is hilarious...

of all the 'personality' tests on the internet this makes me grin the most!


20 Questions to a Better Personality

Wackiness: 16/100
Rationality: 16/100
Constructiveness: 16/
100Leadership: 4/100

You are a SEDF--Sober Emotional Destructive Follower. This makes you an Evil Genius.You are extremely focused and difficult to distract from your tasks. With luck, you have learned to channel your energies into improving your intellect, rather than destroying the weak and unsuspecting.Your friends may find you remote and a hard nut to crack. Few of your peers know you very well--even those you have known a long time--because you have expert control of the face you put forth to the world. You prefer to observe, calculate, discern and decide. Your decisions are final, and your desire to be right is impenetrable.You are not to be messed with. You may explode.
Of the 10595 people who have taken this quiz since tracking began (8/17/2004), 13.7 % are this type.

treasure?

this got me thinking (click on the post's title)... do I treasure what I have enough to give it away?... or is it so unappreciated that I don't know what has a hold on me? hmmm

anyhow this is the front page of the site... Sacred Space - the prayer site run by the Irish Jesuits

Absence makes the heart grow fonder?

Well, well, been away long time... been poorly sick (as my friend Ema would say) - two days after long absent parents return to the country, they have to rush me into their local hospital for what turned out to be an emergency op. to remove a rather icky appendix... 

I think all and sundry are hoping this is the end to a year of unprecedented ill-health for me. It's been proper frustrating! However when all's said and done I am almost completely better - just lacking a bit of oomph on the energy front... even that seems to be getting better every day! (am on iron tablets for anemia:)

What slightly worries me about being ill is that so much of what I consider to be 'me' seems to disappear. I talk to God only occasionaly, I'm really antisocial and I find it really difficult to care for myself or others... in some ways fair enough, but in others - especially the God thing - how on earth can I say that this is a fundamental part of me when it flees away so easily and almost without me noticing?
Of course the other possibility is that because I've related to God for all my life I don't actually know what it feels like to be totally without Him, what actually disappears is the religion that I put on top!! Certainly I always knew everything was going to be OK one way or the other, and wasn't worried about stuff in ways I'm sure many people are. Hmmm...

Talking of absence, having both my parents and my 'little' brother back in the country for a short while has made me realise (despite instant bickering on the way home from the airport!!) how much they are part of me and whole I feel when they are around. Not in any dramatic way, it just 'is', much in the way that grass 'is' green and it would only be noticeable if it wasn't ... they're great:) I feel privileged to be part of such a family. The next puzzle is how to lay hold of and give away the best of what I've been given through it!
 

frankly?

Recently I've been having a bit of a dilemma about what to post here, because I know that friends, and strangers (from time to time;), who read this are coming from completely different places spiritually (even if I don't what those places are...) and thinking about it, that's true of those who hear what I say I the 'real' world too...

so how much do I say about what I'm thinking about matters 'internal' to the church ... there's lots of blogs out there that are quite interesting to church geeks like me;) (which could be both incomprehensible and dull to those who couldn't give a monkeys)?

And how much do I need to say about 'what I'm doing/where I've been' (which, frankly, could be quite unnecessary and dull to all concerned ;)? although that was the reason for setting up a blog in the first place, to dispense with the need for emailing out newsletters too often...

I think you might all have to put up with general musings on other 'stuff'...

And if I don't talk a little about these things to all of my friends and acquaintances how honest am I being?
Of course there are levels of things that are appropriate to say, and sometimes I'm a bit too open with the wrong people, at the wrong time, 'cos I worry about not being 'honest'! (sigh, it's hard work being me!!)
But I think we should at least share a sniff of what else we are in other situations too, otherwise integrity (a universally valued commodity!) can easily slip away...

hmmm 'answers' on comments please;)

Several and various good things...

had people round for dinner for the first time (my good friends Steve, Rob & Steph, & flatmate Nat) last night - good to realise that I can do this, even if we eat from plates on our knees in my bedroom/study! Can't see me ever feeling comfortable with inviting people who have 'proper' houses round tho'... oh the joys of being a single ordinand!

I feel like I've turned a corner with the whole loneliness thing - something I've been struggling with quite a lot this year. It seems to be like fog - suddenly appears and blankets everything, distancing me from everyone around and then slips away gradually without me noticing... it's made me realise tho' that it's often more of a state of mind, rather than directly linked to the 'real-life' situation I'm in (although that obviously has some bearing on it!)

I went with a couple of other people from Wycliffe, to a conference in London (Kensington v. posh!) called 'mission-shaped church' on Wednesday. It was about changing ways of doing church/ church planting within the Church of England - really encouraging on lots of levels, just a few quotable points were:

* don't try to be relevant, focus on relationships and you will be!
* Jesus didn't set out to found the institution of the church, but nor did it happen by accident - church is the event which happens when we encounter Jesus (from the Archbishop's address)
* church should look more and more like a taste of the new heaven and earth..

I think the most exciting thing was the level of encouragement from the Archbishop and other Bishops to be creative about how to do church... we don't have to do this 'on the sly':)

Noticeable by His absence...

One of the things I've been doing recently is reading some blogs of people involved in doing church 'new' ways ... and I'm kind of disappointed (or maybe I haven't been logging on often enough;), ... there's lots of interesting discussion about what we do and what we think about it. They are, of course, discussions and ideas that need to be shared, but that's not what I care about the most when doing/being church, any kind of style of church ...

What I am excited about is that we get to be disciples of Jesus, to enter his presence without fear, to be transformed into the people we were meant to be, to tell people that they are loved and wanted no matter what (that's what I love the most about being a Christian, getting to love people like God does:).. and that's what I really want to hear about when people are doing new kinds of church - is the creativity and freshness of 'emerging church' releasing people to be more effective disciples? are we enabled to be more generous and Spirit filled? ultimately is it a place where we meet God in an even deeper way? if so I want to catch some of that!
I don't care, really, what the church does or what it looks like if not... I guess testimonies are hard to write without seeming super-spiritual, but surely it must be possible? well I guess if it's possible I'd better start looking around me too;)

clearly procrastinating now (avoiding writing a long overdue essay on Luther!)... picked a new template - quite like it, trying to go for that 'old book' look to match the chronicles theme - however since i blog purely through guess work have lost a few features... nothing too drastic I hope!

any feedback on the profile (by those who know me!!) would be great - not sure this really reflects me, but couldn't put my finger on more than what i'm doing at the moment to be able to put it down into words!

btw hello Elaine Storkey (one of my tutors) I found out the other day she's read my blog a couple of times... scary!

so Trinity Term and my first year at Wycliffe is over ... craziness! In some ways it has sped past, but in other ways I struggle to remember life outside this bubble or imagine life after it.
Quite scary saying goodbye to all those who are going on to curacies right now - moving fully into the whole life vocation that ordination is i.e. living in goldfish bowl! I guess i'm still trying to imagine what kind of place i want to go to and how on earth i'd cope with doing it on my own (i'd really rather not) - anywhere God's on the move and i can join in would be good;)
I watched the film 'The Mission' the other day for the first time - beautiful and thought provoking ... as a subsidary reflction, i could really see for the first time when i looked at the Jesuit priests why being single can really be an advantage when you are trying to take a stand for things that are right and will put you in danger... very challenging. Anyhow a great film with a great soundtrack!

hello, hello!

thanks to all who commented - good to know i'm not just talking to myself... carry on commenting;)

well been quite enjoying myself recently - we had a college ball, which was actually great fun, really well organised, lots of people and i didn't run away (or even want to) - which is often my reaction to these things.

the sunny weather definitely helps cheeriness ratings, as does good chats with lots of lovely people at Wycliffe - i do like this place... even if lacks the perfection of being in Sheffield and Oxford at the same time!!

second lot of sermons coming up on Sunday, so that should be fun, especially as i've had a lot more recent experience of speaking than i did last time round!

am actually looking forward to summer hols now - short trip to Italy, family holiday in Devon and probably a couple of weeks in Sheff at the end of August... must remember to do my essays too!

....and finally, as originally identified on my trip to South Carolina, USA

I am 92.5% British, just like
HRH Prince Charles
Though you'll never be king you certainly know where your castle is.

Take the Brit Quiz at
darrenlondon.tripod.com/britquiz1.htm


just in case you hadn't guessed!

just received 'complaint' about lack of posting from me ... well it's nice to know somebody reads it (hi wendy;)... please do comment if you visit even if just to say 'hello' then i know i'm not just being self indulgent...

that said what shall i tell y'all now? well i went to the 'big [poetry] slam' on sunday which was awesome - just amazing collection of funny poignant angry beautiful poets and poetry, tho' there were a few quite aggresively against Christianity, but i came to the conclusion that it's good to be offended once in a while and check out why that is and whether you should be! the 'old-hands' won the competition - the USA team (where slams began) .. check out this link about Taylor Mali their 'top' poet (against Oxford, London and Birmingham - was sorry not to hear more from Brum there was some particularly top guys on that team) also went to say 'hi' to Steve Larkin, one of the Oxford comperes, who i had heard quoted my previous entry on the many merits of the 'hammer and tongue' evening at another event ... i sometimes forget this is the public domain!! but anyhow, a top bloke :) i'm looking forward to the next time i can go already...

other than that? well trying, but largely failing, to work ... too busy doing other stuff and sunnyness outside isn't helping either ... also wondering how to arrange my summer ... 14 scary weeks off (term ends on 18th June!!) - anybody want to go travellin?! tho am really looking forward to Mum and Dad being back in the country after their 6 months in Bangladesh with Interserve.. and I'll get to see David (little bruvver) and his 'new' Kenyan girlfriend Monica too :) while he is back from Kenya/ Sudan!

well i know it's been awhile - i've been busy revising for my first two exams in 8 years - Old and New Testament... whilst i don't really have a clue how the exams went, the revision was good - finally things, important things like the history of Israel and how fits in with the rest of the world, has begun to fall into place - so i guess as long as i pass these exams the point of having them - learning your stuff - has already been achieved for me:) which is nice.

other than that the shortest term is already in its 3rd of 8 weeks - very scary!! then i will have something ridiculous like 14 weeks holiday to fill ... i do have 2 long essays to do but i'm not planning to fill all those weeks with work!! so any suggestions gratefully received - [jargon alert...] New Wine A is the only thing booked in so far - going with peeps from 'hOME' church here in Oxford - they're gonna be involved in leading some funky dance/chill-out style worship as part of the emerging church stream... [jargon over]

tonight our fellowship group i'm in played croquet and drank pimms on the lawn... a fun attempt at being a proper Oxford college!

so today has been a good day - i even enjoyed the first day of our 'Sex and Marriage' Integrated Study Week:) we got to run thru how to take a wedding service... be afraid, very afraid!! (don't worry we do get more training on that before we are let loose!!) generally tho (and i guess that's why i haven't been posting.. aside from the revision excuse) i've been quite up and down emotionally struggling with feelings of loneliness - doesn't always seem to connect with my situation logically but there you go!
got a new Spiritual Director tho' who really 'gets' me and is very wise too:) hoorah!

gosh i have been saving a lot up haven't i? and i thought i didn't have anything to say!!

New Wine Ordinands conference in Nottingham yesterday - v good just to be prayed for and tho' "through the glass darkly" to re-connect with God again, to take decisions as I'm being prayed for to trust Him rather than go 'yeah, whatever' - which is what i do to almost anything positive that comes my way whether from Jesus or from even my dearest friends...

today i read the book we got given about John Wimber (a v cool chilled out American pastor who founded a worldwide movement for those of you who don't know;) which has been v refreshing and challenging by turns - what really got me was his focus on what Jesus wanted and that he really didn't get the insecure competitive/comparing thing - something I often struggle with. It just brought home to me that God calls me to serve him as me, and become more like the me he designed me to be - not anyone else - however much I admire them! I so want to learn this lesson and not have to keep re-taking it!! Lots of prayer and repentence I guess:)

back again... after another foray away from Oxford

this time on a college 'mission' to Cheltenham - tiring, confusing and by turns discouraging and encouraging... but good to see three different churches in action and seeing people encouraged in sharing their faith and in hearing a bit more about it .. will reflect more on it some time soon.

but good to be back in my own space again!

ahhh am home, (back in Oxford... it's nice to know that this is my home for now, a place where i feel safe:) Sheffield was great tho' - I didn't see everybody which is slightly distressing in one sense, ('cos I love you all!) but also good as well - in that I got to spend some quality time with people who i love dearly - I feel v blessed to know such amazing people... it really is a privilege! to hear how God is moving in their lives and to chat through with them how i am and get their wisdom just really refreshing!

also the Lent-style stripped-down acoustic worship at the 6pm evening service at St Thom's was great... i do love that church:)

a new experience was having a car in Sheff - kept getting slightly misdirected... knew where i was but wasn't where i wanted to be! the responsibility of having such a powerful and expensive thing under my care was a bit stressful actually ... i'm sure i'll get used to it... although the abysmal M1 did not help either way! not sure what says about me and responsibilty, if anything!

This week at college we are taking an intensive look at Christian youth and children’s work in and out of church, which has been very inspiring … what I’m wondering is if (as has been persuasively put) all generations are part of the family of God, and we lose out if we don’t give and receive from each other within this … then how do we justify single generational church like hOME?

I really miss having kids around and the blessing they are… and also, as we talked about at hOME last week, the ‘wise old-heads’ for wisdom and experience… I know it’s harder work, but it is often worth it!

I guess if I process what I’ve found the most valuable thing I’ve found about being in a group of just my own generation is a chance to find and express my own identity in worship. Often in cross generational church we go for the inoffensive middle which doesn’t allow that … I’ve seen so much creativity in em gen church – which is so God as far as I’m concerned! Can you do candles and dance music with kids? possibly… With older people? probably not!! gotta serve?

BUT I have been really blessed by children in the past and I loved growing up as a kid in church of all ages – being part of a bigger family than just my biological family and feeling that sense of belonging. So I’d love to be part of giving and sharing that with another generation of children… get this 72% of people who come to faith through the Alpha course in the UK, had some kind of contact with the church as children… what about the children of this generation only 4% of whom have any meaningful contact with church?!

well just been to the hammer and tongue 'poetry slam' at the (absolutely packed) 'brickworks' on the Cowley Road in Oxford (the more interesting bit of Oxford for those of you up norf;) with my small group/huddle/mission expression of hOME . The poetry slam was v. cool - there was a couple of black poets from NYC on tour (apparently poetry slams are huge over there) who were amazing - funny, angry, 'paranoid' and gracious and then some local non-professional poets who were entering the 'slam'.

The place was just full of such a cool bunch of really diverse people black, white, young, old, a goodly smattering of eco-warrior/hippy types (I think if I hadn't been so heavily committed to the church for my entire life I would have gone and joined these people at the eco-demonstrations/ parties/ protests) it was great... especially since I spend most of my time with (lovely:) white middle class ordinands! people were just being friendly, encouraging to these v cool poets, who were raw, funny and 'conscious' - doing community and protest (next time it's in aid of fair trade/ anti corporate/ stopping climate change I am definitely going back! I wish the church was much more like that.... I am very excited tho' that I've been (re)introduced to this world, especially when so much of my training is so mono-cultural!
When people become Christians do we expect them to fit in with our culture? often i think!

just followed one of the ad's at the top of my blog to find this ohmiword!

y'know I've been thinking recently (too much no doubt) that how you think of yourself is often a bit 'out of date'...
shall i give an example? well i tend to think that i can just about stand traditional Anglican, liturgy/old hymn-heavy services (which we'll call 'A') and actually despite my rather accidental involvement in new ways of doing church for the last 3 years (shall we call that 'B'?!) that i don't really fit there, as i didn't arrive in huff with ordinary church. I had actually done OK sustaining my faith at ordinary largish Anglican charismatic churches and i have this thought that one day i'll move out of this 'trendy' (which doesn't quite fit with my image of myself as a bit square!) phase back into 'bog-standard' Anglican worship ...

... Yesterday I discovered that that's not really true anymore as the sharp contrast between the Ash Wednesday service at college which was very much 'A' (with some truly uninspiring hymns i'd never heard of written just after the 1st millennium) and a rant from the Bishop of Buckingham about I'm not sure what (but along the lines of we're really terrible at showing Jesus to people aren't we?)
... and then just an hour later was at hOME's Ash Wednesday service which was awesome ('B') we did have liturgy - but focusing on the particular stuff we need to repent of now (consumerism, desire for fame, food focus, lack of attention to the poor) - and ashing from burning up symbols of that stuff - which was powerful... I actually met with God in the worship ('trendy' dance based songs) and so repentance and freedom actually meant something in my life right now ... i think this could be telling me something! be interesting to see how God works this out through my jobs post-Wycliffe!

God is Good:) just been at a great communion service @ college - i just feel really privileged to be amongst people who really want to be true worshippers of God and to create a place to be real with each other:) so many other things to be thankful for too - good friends here, hOME (i.e. church!), so much material provision, knowing that God loves me and that whatever happens I'm safe with Him...

y'know the advantage and disadvantage of this knowledge really hit home yesterday when I went to see 'Touching the Void' of the book of the same name - y'know the mountaineering one where the guy cuts the rope?! Anyhow Joe Simpson, the one who falls into a crevasse and crawls out of it and many miles back to base camp with a broken leg, when his mates things he's dead for sure - in the midst of it he decides for sure that he doesn't believe in God (not great) which is just so depressing, with his consequent terrible aloness and yet that is what drives him to keep going through terrible privation and pain - he was determined not to die alone... i think if he had believed in God he wouldn't have been so determined to get back. I know I would have just thought 'well take me now Lord I'm looking forward to heaven anyhow'! That loneliness kept him alive... not sure what to think about that... maybe it's more of an insight into my laziness/cowardice than anything else!

sigh... v tired... ah well 'worse things happen at sea' ... apparently ... according to my (formerly) annoying little brother!
Anyhow lots of good things happening in my life - feeling a bit more involved, mainly due to brief spurt of volunteering for stuff!
One really good thing, which when I'm less tired, I will be really excited about is the new 'small group' I've joined @ 'hOME' it's mission is getting involved in the arts/cafe culture scene ... and it's just a really great group of people and we had a great laugh and getting to know each other session last night ... partly based around sharing a book/film that has meant a great deal to you and why... inevitably mine was LOTR 'cos it made me think alot about courage, stepping up to leadership/responsibility even if you doubt yourself and about friendship - we all had a really good chat about the characters we most identify with and why - it was just an illuminating and somehow 'safer' way of getting to know each other - i recommend it:)

finally started sorting my links out - is it terrible blog-ettiquette not to have done this earlier? and is it wierd to link to people's blogs who you don't know that well, but they have great things to say?

also, since i am at theological college!:

"What a mystery is this, that Christianity should have done so little good in the world! Can any account of this be given? Can any reasons be assigned for it?"

You are John Wesley! When things don't sit well with you, you make a big production and argue your way through everything. You complain a lot, but, at least you are a thinker and not afraid to show it. You are also pretty liked by people, and pretty methodological about your life and goals. You know where you're going. Some people find you irritating, so watch out for people leaving you out of things they do.

What theologian are you?

A creation of Henderson


hmmm... little bit too indulgent of my paranoid side... the first time i did it i came out as Augustine which is a little cooler i think!
ah well 'pride before the fall' as they say!

yet another update on the health of Ms N Hill...
Today is my second full day out of hospital, after being taken in, by ambulance, to the John Radcliffe at about 2.30am on Wednesday with extreme acute stomach pain (due to screams - flatmates thought i was being murdered!!) the doctors have no idea what caused it, but i am considerably better now and hope to be going at full speed by the end of the week! very painful and very inconvienient (sp.?)...

however had lots of lovely people visit me and send cards and stuff, including soon-to-be-beatified flatmates who visited every day:) i had a room to myself (a good thing when your visitors are raucous theological students!) and morphine for much of the time i was there ... so it's not like i wasn't looked after - thanks to the big G for all that:)

of course any prayers that this doesn't reoccur and they find out what i've got would also be appreciated;)

other than life has rather passed me by ... although due to the wonders of modern technology i had my own personal tv/'phone/radio set in my room so i am well up on daytime tv!!

sooo sometime soon i've got to write a sermon for my first outside preach (aaarghh), get cracking on my essays and generally sort out the life that went on hold last week!

take care y'all!

ho-hum ... the poverty of being reduced to dial-up... means less blogging! (as does holidays, overdue essays and parents leaving the country for six months!)

well i haven't said anything of much interest for ages really have I? now apologies to the pagans who read this, but here's a spot of 'God-stuff' - if you want more mundane news i've done an email thingie, so email me and i'll reply with my latest day-to-day news;)

.... something i've been thinking about for the last few days is the fact as Christians we need to leave our nationality behind to some extent - that often being proud of/preferential to the way our country of origin does things is a hindrance to following Jesus. Something I had to learn when I went to the US last May... to be challenged about my prejudice against the 'States (the last acceptable prejudice in the UK?) which looked very similar to hatred and anger and jealousy when i was actually there - not really godly is it?!

It just not something you ever hear taught on - I guess it's easy for nationality to become a blindspot 'cos that's the most encompassing environment you are in - yet it's really biblical, there's the whole thing about being equal in the site of God:
Here there is no Greek or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all. but also our identity, being as citizens of heaven:

they [people in the Old Testament] admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country--a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.
Hebrews 11

Something to chew on... i might come back to this another time, but for the moment:

Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our "God is a consuming fire."

does that make any sense? very tired and should be writing an essay on the prophet Amos and Third World debt

woo-hoo! have worked out how to do comments all by my very own self... please feel free to add some! ... it may not sound much to some of you, but I think it's quite good especially since I've never done any kind of computing course (not even word for dummies..)! still need lessons on how to make this thing look a bit nicer, rather than 'blog-standard' ...

You are glucose. People feed off of you. You are
sweet, caring, and a source of energy for
everyone around you. You can inspire others
with your creativity and depth, and you can
keep people alive when in times of famine.
People love you...or at least the way you
taste.


hmmm bit wierd but then the 'soul' one was wierd too - I came out as artistic or rebellious which while fun isn't really me! (see bea and andy's blog)

Well the long weekend away was FAB - a real answer to several people's prayers (thanks to God and those that prayed) despite the crazy one-night-in-each-place scenario it was actually really refreshing (something to do with getting away from Wycliffe I think!)

The time at the young leaders forum was just a fantastic space to reflect on some of the stuff that I've been going through over the last term and also to hear from God - be challenged to be less self-centred and rediscover my gifts of encouragement etc. - explains why blogging has been so difficult - I've been a little self-obsessed and haven't been taking time to reflect and therefore haven't had much to say!

Mainly what I reflected on tho' was getting my priorities right as I go through this training - knowing what's top (getting to know God better and being transformed into a more Christ-like person) and using that knowledge as a filter to balance what I spend the most time on/ how I look at the experiences I'm having i.e.
What is God showing me about himself and about me through this (good/bad/frustrating/busy) time?
What is coming to the top?
Am I paying attention?
Am I living life in context or getting things out of proportion?! (the answer to the last one is too often 'yes'!)

Eddie was fantastic - now of course will need to purchase the DVD to watch it all again and be able to include random quotes in conversation when it gets boring/i want to startle people! Really cool to catch up with Cathers and drive over the Snake Pass with her in the pouring rain and see the Peak District (sigh!) again. [really must get my sidebar links sorted out!]

Sheffield was so lovely - really nice to be amongst people who know me well and have a rather ruder sense of humour than most theological students! But also made me appreciate being out of the amazing, but rather all-encompassing, world of St Thomas' Church - I've enjoyed having new perspectives and experiences of church!

'hOME' is going well and I'm beginning to feel more part of it - just need to keep combatting my bad habit of running away and thinking I'll be found out as a rather dull 'un-trendy' person any minute now (not that any of us are super trendy!) ... the bad habits of a life time take a long time to break!

must go - have Gender, the Bible and Us now - very interesting!!

don't have much of worth to say, but on the good news front am still alive, bit more chilled, got goodish marks for my first 3 essays, am going to see Eddie Izzard next Friday in Manchester with Cathers and then on to wonderful Sheffield (29th), and back doesn't hurt half as much as it used to:)

on the bad news side, still behind on essay deadlines, some of the practical training here is so horribly out of date it's not funny ('yes you can talk at people for 20 minutes without visual aids and they won't drop off to sleep... if they do its because they are stupid and have the attention span of a goldfish' ... not a direct quote!) not sure how i'm gonna deal with 3 years of this... ho hum

oh happy day! have handed my pagans v. Christians essay (1st round only - 1st-3rd centuries AD) ... now onto Postmodernism woo-hoo:) (seriously I'm hoping I can waffle about this with the minimum of fuss ... surely 3 years at St Thom's has some effect?!)

Anyhow as part of my 'research' (procrastination) I discovered this link on the 24-7 website ... very amusing!! Surely the answer to any 'mission' worries guilty Christians might have?!

would love to know how to put up a comments thingy for things like this... email me if you have a moment!

ahh so much has happened and yet so little brain to tell about it! So briefly last few weeks:

*Matthew essay = hell ... eventually 'finish'
*meet up with brother briefly back from Sudan:)
*onto next essay - Church history - Christians v. Pagans/Roman Empire = going well surprise, surprise
*suddenly get violently ill with gastroenteritis, spend a whole week in bed recovering and not eating anything/ struggling to keep water down!
*during illness saint-like flatmates look after me above and beyond the call of duty!
*finally am back to land of living, and am horribly behind with work ... again!

i am not quite at the stage of tackling said work, but may try this afternoon ... i should give thanks not just for aforementioned flatmates, but also to God for generally just being there even in my darkest moments, a beautiful tree just outside my window, family, good friends, life back in perspective and looking forward to Christmas ... hoorah!

crappitycrap ... another essay ... another stress!! grrr stop and started so many times, I'm really confused and may have to start again - and i've got another 3 years of an essay a week... will i ever get better at them? I hope so!! it's supposed to be reading week (ie chilling out a little bit)!! I think i'm too conscientious:( I used to think it was a good thing... but recently I've been wishing I didn't have to see the consequences (long and short term) so clearly, and just sack off work and have a good time... one day?!

Still, am going to 'home' (see link on side bar) tonight which should be good ... especially since it's the first worship thing i'll've been to - last week i had an identity crisis & was really unorganised and forgot to go to three meetings, including the first home worship service thing - normally i'm ms. hyper-organised - oh Lord what is happening?!

wobble, wobble, wobble .... it'll be alright in the end I'm sure?!

Hey!

Went to see Raising Victor Vargas last night - which was great... Rob and Steph thought it was amazing too! Totally on the button about the frustrations and fumblings of trying to get through being a teenager (which I tried to run away from at the time!)...

it really cheered me up as well, not just because it was a great film but 'cos i got out of college and did something normal!

obviously thinking too much as it's my 3rd blog of the afternoon (see below & thethingaboutit...!)

anyhow ... been meaning to put this up for a while - came to me via Dave and Niki Foote...

How Christians live victoriously in the midst of persecution (Research done in 70 countries with 400 people)

1. they know Jesus
2. they know the intimacy of prayer
3. they have committed large portions of scripture to memory
4. they have indigenous music
5. they feel they are prayed for
6. they know their family is cared for
7. they know their suffering is for Jesus
8. they believe suffering is normal
9. they claimed their freedom
10. they have lost their fear
11. ‘genealogy’ – have learnt from their ‘fathers’ (earthly or spiritual)

Challenging or what?!

OK, was gonna blog all my little moans and worries... however just been convicted by remembering what I was reading in Mike Pilavachi's book 'Wasteland?' that in the desert you need to remember to give thanks 'cos then when abundance comes you'll know where the good stuff comes from and won't get proud.... so here goes:

I am really thankful for my new friends Rob and Steph Sturdy - they are such great people... really fun to hang out with and also totally sold out for God:) (and helping me to get right through my USA prejudices)

I am really thankful that I've got a couple of emails from friends in Sheffield today - Cathers Pearson, and Hannah Stoney and that really cheered my up and made me feel loved! And that I talked with my friend Becky Taylor, and my Mum on the phone last night:)

I am thankful for the amazing provisions I have materially - home, clothes, food provided and cooked for me, teachers, books, education in general, equipment etc etc

I am really thankful that God never leaves me alone... even if that's uncomfortable sometimes... 'cos he's got a purpose, a place and people for me to be involved with!!

PRAISE GOD - HE IS GOOD!

ooo exciting new thingie on the side bar (look right) so you can put me in your outlook address book ... think it's a good thing!!

[1st essay done - on to no. 2 - Matthew's distinctive interests and emphases... oh joy ... when I discover how one meets God through writing an essay I'll let y'all know!]

Well, had lots of thought-provoking, emotion stirring talks today - in both good and bad ways...

1st up was Mr Alan Storkey (husband of Elaine) on Power today - especially focusing on Military Power - interesting stuff but far too much stuff alluded to with assumption of prior knowledge and values which was quite frustrating i.e. we all knew about 'Seargent Bilko' and the kind of US reliance on the military it implied or we had all come to the conclusion that 'war is wrong'...

then was the racism talk by an amazing woman from Zimbabwe ... sadly cut short, but I can tell that it's gonna be personally really challenging over the next few weeks

finally an 'extra' lecture on different streams not of Christianity, but of evangelicalism!! SOOO frustrating - I'm sure I came to college to be equipped to help others be disciples and disciple others to Jesus... not disappear up theological dead end debates about what we call each other... (I could be ruder but I don't think that would help!)

sooo yeah... well the essay is chugging along nicely now, thank you for asking ;) generally feeling a little bit more chilled out at the moment - I think it must be all the prayer I've been getting lately - mainly for my back... but you know how God slips in 'freebies' when you get prayed for! On that subject my back is so much better - I think it's been one of those 'healing by degrees' things - each time I got prayed for a specific area of pain got dealt with ... nearly there now - feels like God's been working on my shoulder and very stiff and painful neck all day (after being prayed for at chapel) and they've progressively getting better - yay God:) ! (this morning I couldn't turn over in bed it was so painful and now I can turn my head from side to side with minimal discomfort:)

did I mention all Church of England ordinands have to go to chapel every weekday morning? here at Wycliffe we are real slackers 'cos we go after breakfast at 8:20am ... whereas at least two other colleges I've heard of they have chapel prayers at 7am before half an hour's silence for personal devotions and then breakfast!! (also on Wednesday's we meet in 'fellowship groups' instead of chapel)... it's a tough life! still not sure if it's sunk in that this is gonna be part of my term time life for the next 3 years...

lectures have been good so far - when we get to go to main Uni lectures (as opposed to Wycliffe based ones) - it's quite awe inspiring to go to these ancient buildings and mix in with these v. brainy undergrads! good fun too:) we matriculate tomorrow (first dressing up session!) ... I'll let y'all know how it goes and what it involves (assuming I don't get sworn to secrecy!)

ooo quick mention for my new friends Rob and Steph from Alabama, USA - what great people - I've had lots of laughs hanging out with them already :) I must really be getting over my USA predjudices!! (Rob is doing ordination training too:)

ta ta for now!

I love these quizzy things (must be v Gen X - who am I? I can reinvent myself anytime I like!... least that's what Elaine Storkey said in our lecture yesterday...)

My inner child is sixteen years old!

Life's not fair! It's never been fair, but while
adults might just accept that, I know
something's gotta change. And it's gonna
change, just as soon as I become an adult and
get some power of my own.


How Old is Your Inner Child?
brought to you by Quizilla

not sure if this is exactly theologically sound ... oh well!!

my back is still a bit rubbish, tho' is getting better ... God is still amazing - had a wonderful time of prayer and worship at 'space' (student led worship and prayer) last night :)

Right now I need the Lord to motivate me to get this blinkin essay done

hrrmph discovered i'd posted and not published last entry (see below) - oh well! almost better just got a gippy (sp.?) back! enough of my aches and pains already!! (being v effectively soothed & challenged by mr marshall's excellent new album - if you haven't already you need to buy it!)

what i actually wanted to talk about is the beginning of my journey of discovery about the Old Testament which this week seems to have majored on (3 lectures), and I have an essay on the different portrayals of king Josiah in Kings and Chronicles to do! So much political intrigue! So many other things going on at the time that you don't really get to see in the Bible!

What I'm really having my eyes opened up to is that the Jewish religion was a 'work in progress' all the way through the Old Testament - as was the new Christian faith all the way through the New ... don't get me wrong, I don't suddenly think God was evolving, He is the same yesterday, today and forever - I'm just realising that many heroes of the faith didn't have as fuller picture as we do now ... which when type this out suddenly seems obvious! But when you grow up on the Bible (as I did) you don't necessarily see it as in disctinctive parts - you see as part of the whole... I guess it's just part of the continuing revelation that started when i twigged that Abraham didn't even have any part of the Bible (which makes the fact that By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going, Hebrews 11:8, even more amazing!), not even the 10 commandments - obvious and yet not often said!

All very challenging - especially when the tutors point out the differences between different accounts of the same event and difficulties in dating (they do explain how it could still be true!)... it's not rocking my faith, but deepening it - understanding the ways and whys of how the Bible was written down. God is merciful thankfully!

...right my brain hurts and I've still to make a decent start on my essay! ...Not got a handle on managing workload yet... there's also plenty of other things I need to attend to at the same time... !?

bleugh... not feeling very well - any prayers for my health would be great - I haven't even started any of my work so it makes me a bit nervous that I don't have the wherewithal to start yet... generally feeling a bit jittery and want to get stuck in... need to trust God more methinks!

well hello from oxford... :) firstly I should say I'm really enjoying being here and have had a great week meeting some amazing people and beginning to get my head around what I'm doing here!

For the last two days, after all the practical stuff has been dealt with, we've been having an intro week to help us this about the future beyond Wycliffe for ourselves and for the church at large ... and it has been great.

The staff here are so wise and really humble; they've obviously reflected deeply on what we need to be prepared for, especially the stuff that might not even occur to us -
#how our future beyond Wycliffe needs to be thought about now because what we're aiming for needs to affect how and what we study,
#how our character issues need to be engaged with, to make sure we develop heart and imagination as well as head as we study here
#and most of all how we need to think of ourselves as missionaries and not as chaplains to Christendom!
So encouraging to see how all that I've been taking on board at St Thom's is not isolated thinking - I guess I've become more St Thom's-centric than I realised!!

Went to 3 churches this afternoon - huge crumbling Anglo-catholic pile with some life but no teenagers or twenties/thirties; odd Ecumenical (5 denominations one congregation!) racially mixed inner city church; and Comfortable evangelical slightly charismatic anglican - all in their own way sobering wake up calls to where the church is at ... at the moment i could not imagine myself in any of them!! too little room for maneouvre... and as hard as i try i'm not a gung ho visionary who could bounce in shake it up and still be sane!

sorry for huge post only just got properly set up with broadband uni connection yesterday... Lord help me if i ever end up without quick internet connection!!

Laters;)

as promised rough image of new (red - you can see it if you look hard!) hair (many many thanks again to Mr Neill Birchenall:)

tee hee just found this just to make sure I don't take the revelations of my Myers-Briggs personality test too seriously (I'm ENFJ it seems 'the teacher' for those of you who know what that means!)

all kinds of excitement to report... firstly I now have red hair (dark with bright red streaks!!) which has turned out just how I wanted it ... just wondering why I didn't do this earlier:) hope to put a picture up later for the benefit of those not in Sheffield..

secondly had a lovely time on Sunday - yummy Sunday lunch and nice walk (although I wouldn't repeat the experience of walking straight after lunch = legs of lead!!) and in answer to my prayers - gorgeous weather ... very windy but I do like that - makes me all bouncy!! some of my ex colleagues came along, as did my old next door neighbours (I am really going to miss them) as well as lots of lovely St Thom's people ... so nice to see everyone mix in well and spiritual stuff not go off the agenda:)

Also enjoyed Order of Mission training - had a few revelations and helped me to think further about how my ordination training is gonna fit in with that :)

God is good!

I go tomorrow - very exciting:)

some things finally clicked into place yesterday as to why i've been a little bit ambiguous about going off to vicar factory:

a) i've always worked under the 'comfortable' illusion that what i do is not significant, that i can weave through life without impacting on anybody or anything = no cast iron commitments (i can always get out of stuff 'cos it/i don't matter) & no recognition of any unavoidable long term consequences (obviously tosh when you think about it, but lovely irresponsible worldview to work under) ... going to vicar factory means that i can no longer live under that illusion - it is undeniable that whatever i do and however 'far' i get now, it will impact both me and others permanently ... no wonder i've been feeling a bit jittery, not used to acknowledging those kind of facts!

b) that with big stuff i often worry about the 'what ifs' before they even have the possibility of happening i.e. i get ahead of myself and start worrying about 'what if i change my mind & decide this is not the right thing to do then I'll let us all down' ... when there is currently no thought in my mind that suggests that this will be the case!!

Honestly I do make life complicated for myself... I think I'm hard work sometimes!
Still having realised these things I feel much more released to get excited about going to Wycliffe and in fact I'm getting slightly impatient to go ... as well wondering how I'm gonna cope with out the People and the Peaks of Sheffield!

On that note I'm really looking forward to my leaving lunch and walk from Hathersage on Sunday ... just hoping that the weather returns to the niceness of earlier in the week!

wobble, wobble ... ordination who'd do it?! tiredness, back pain from hard beds and general dislocation are resulting in little 'what on earth is this all about?!' moments, but then I think about going and I'm really peaceful and getting more excited now too! It's only when I fix on me and the theoretical (sp.?) ramifications of doing this I get scared ... when I think about getting on with the day to day things and remember that God's in charge it's fine ... hoorah!
time seems to be going fast and slow at the moment ... fast when I realise how little reading I've done in preparation ('tho I've done some!), slow when I think about how long ago it seems that I was at work and not living in this wierd limbo land... ho hum I think it'll speed up generally now there's only a week to go before departure!
waffle, waffle!!

Now I know I can get free access to the internet again it's gonna be hard to keep me away ... amazing the subtle influence of you 'computer geeky' types, I seem to be one my way to becoming one of you ... although i was truly impressed with how little I understand about hardware when Neill took me through the different specs of laptops, printers etc yesterday.. I think that's a good thing, the more you know the more you have to do yourself!!

I'm really getting into the swing of being the mistress of my own time - amazing how much there is to do.. but lovely how you can pace yourself with breaks in bookshop cafes and window shopping (I used to hate window shopping, what's become of me?!) It means that I'm starting to become much less defined by what I do, but by who I am in God which has to be a good thing.. much more to learn on this one.. still not great at spending time with the big G just in my room - it seems that I have to be sitting on a hillside to do quality time with God by myself, otherwise I have to rely on being with other people... I have a feeling this is gonna be a lifelong journey of discovery!

Should give thanks that Wycliffe have finally managed to say where I'm living - if you want the details email me and I'll let you know ... I'm thinking it might not be a good idea to put them all up on the web?!

For those of you in Sheffield please keep Sunday 21st lunchtime and afternoon free - I'm planning a goodbye pub lunch and proper walk from Hathersage ... details in an email will follow soon!

ooo really not been blogging regularly for awhile have I? still my lovely (ex) colleagues pointed out the wonder of free internet access at the Library - hoorah!
talking of my ex colleagues I had an amazing leaving do on Friday - and was presented with a huge bag of biblical/church themed presents ... too many to recount but it included everything from wine to water to 'fishnet' stockings and other tenuous links - I'm still overwhelmed by how much time and effort went into putting it together - I feel almost overappreciated - praise God for the way he works through us :)

had a great weekend spending time with lovely people doing nice things like having coffee, shopping, sitting in fields etc etc - mmm lovely!

God is really having to pull me close at the moment 'cos I keep succumbing to 'little' doubts and fears ... a combination of vulnerability of being inbetween things and subtle attack I think - praise Him for those you can ask to come alongside you and cover you with prayer!

also should give thanks for Mr. Neill Birchenall who has just taken quite some time to take me through the ins and outs of laptops for uni ... just need to make a decision on which one to buy! (praise God for the timely funds to be able to do this!)

at work for my last day (may not blog for some time after this depending on internet access out of work!) ... went home early yesterday feeling ill & wobbly... still feeling wobbly but I thought I'd make the effort and come in to round things off and tidy up...

it struck me the other day how I don't have any personal stuff (pictures and the like) I have on my desk at work - symbolic of how little I really open up about the rest of my life to my work colleagues perhaps? it's like the leaver's ball at University - I suddenly realised that all the people I could have a decent conversation with were Christians and I hadn't invested any time in making decent friendships with people who weren't yet Christians... bit of a trust problem methinks (rooted in ooo you're a Christian type bullying at school I think) ho-hum at least I've got some good friends in my next door neighbours Alex and Katell :) and I think I will keep in contact with people here, so room for having deeper frienships still... wonder when I'm gonna go through an 'evangelist' phase?! maybe being at theological college will send me screaming into the arms of lots of non-Christian friends!! (i love you church really;)

well hello cyberspace... sorry for week long unexplained absence... been in hospital!!

basically went to the GP with unexplained and pretty painful stomach-ache and she sent me off to the Hallamshire with a possible case of appendicitis, where I stayed for 3 nights - first 2 days on a drip and 'nil by mouth' which was a joy especially combined with lots of poking and prodding and blood tests and xrays and ultrasounds from a stream of different doctors and watching students!! glad to say that in those circumstances i give up any sense of embarrasment - too much energy! and on Saturday they sent me home with some painkillers (was feeling a lot better by then) and no real explanation as to what I've had... i personally suspect it's what they call a 'grumbling' appendix ... i.e. they'll probably have to whip it out at some point in the future 'cos it's not happy, however i'm not in any immediate danger right now - thankfullly

I'm finishing my job on Friday, and then moving into the commune at the weekend for 3 and half weeks before removing to Oxford.. quite looking forward to that - just hangin' out with anybody who's up for lunch/coffee/cake (hint, hint!), reading in preparation for my studies and getting a taste of life in the commune (for those of you who don't know it's just 7 people from St Thom's who share a house and try to live as a community, at least to the extent of sharing meals and having a shared bank account for bills etc)

right now however, am slogging through my first day back at work, trying to reassure my boss that all is well and that the place isn't going to fall apart when I leave!! also wondering when i leave how quickly i'll need to adapt to being somewhat poorer ... p'raps it won't feel that much different as when I'm down in Oxford i won't have to worry about rent, or food (during term time) and i won't have to buy too many more smart clothes (hoorah) .. I hope I've learnt to be much more relaxed about money and to be more generous in the last 3 years whether or not I've had money... hmmm

still somewhat underemployed at work ... however boredom is pushing to think of all the things I could possibly do to make my colleagues lives easier when I'm gone (telling them what I've done and what still needs to be done etc.) so I'm feeling quite virtuous!!

something I've been thinking about recently is that anything I find difficult to do or engage with ... it tends to be that 'difficult' = 'to be avoided at all possible costs 'cos it's 'bad', uncomfortable, puts me out!!' And whilst I have no intention of swinging to the opposite extreme of it's difficult/I don't want to do it = God's will ... I've been reading quite a lot recently about Christians who've been persecuted and not denied Jesus, who've given thanks for their difficult circumstances 'cos it has brought God glory.... I have problems fasting from even one meal, nevermind always speaking the truth in love, talking to people about Jesus no matter what that means about what they think of me, being 'Jesus' to people when I'm tired/ feeling poor/ in a hurry!!
... although I sign up to the intellectual fact that the Bible clearly teaches that as Christians we should expect to have a hard time from the world, the flesh and the devil, my actions don't reflect that, I look for the easy time, the comfortable place... even though it's not always the happiest place! how much of a paradox is that?! - the basic problem is lack of faith in God's unfailing immovable love for me and those I come into contact with... when we get a bit more of that it gives room for both the difficulties and the blessings... bring it on Lord!

I am finally doing the filing!! still, looking forward to lunch with Miss Valerie Austen - what an amazing women she is funny, thoughtful and beautiful but mostly she is wholehearted in wanting to live righteously in God's eyes - unashamed to ask people to pray with her for herself and others, always seeking to understand more of God's promises and to spend more time with Him despite and because of the stuff she struggles with ... and she really encourages me too:) hooray!

grrr gossiping colleagues do my head in!! how do you discourage gossip without being rude?! trying to counter with positive side/balance view, 'you need to say this, to them (i.e. the person they are moaning about)' statements ... I think I need to learn the 'gently challenging' mode next as they aren't getting the hint!! bless them too Lord, sort out the source of their discontentment!

What is more I think I'm reaching the 'I'm so bored I might do some filing' mode ... Oh the joy of work in August!! (but no more work after that, I finish on 29th August - hip, hip hoorah!!) Looking forward to hanging out with friends in Sheffield in September during the week days, and getting all the last bits and pieces I'll need... I've just discovered that I am gonna be matriculated into the University of Oxford - have to get the 'commoner's' gown and mortar board for the matriculation ceremony and to wear to all my exams!! I never imagined that I'd be part of that kind of world - kind of fun, kind of wierd!! (I also have to get a cassock and surplice (eek/eurgh) at some point - which, oddly, I hadn't thought about at all... it's starting to feel like I'm off to Hogwarts!!)

Also beginning to get my head round the idea of being a student i.e. having to study and do exams and essays again ... I think I'm looking forward to it! I have plenty of books to read beforehand (including specific bits of the Bible) Plus, at some point, I'll be going on preaching practice (which I guess you should expect but they spend so much time focusing on the academic stuff you kind of forget that the practical side is the most important!).. still wondering how I will get the chance to put my leadership skills into practice, so some more of the rough edges get knocked off... I'm sure God has it in hand, as with everything else! He's certainly given me a great 'student buddy' who is assigned to you (by Wycliffe Hall) to answer your questions and generally look after you beforehand and at the beginning of term - she's called Sarah Hobbs and she's already given loads of great advice/hints/tips/offers of practical help!

"For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them." Ephesians 2:10 - Bible Gateway's verse for the day - I find this really encouraging and a spur (along with the parable of the talents) to use the gifts, skills, experience and opportunities that God has given me to their fullest ... not to 'do' humility in a false-pretend-I'm-rubbish-at-everything way but to have the humility to be used by God, knowing it's all His anyhow, even if it means that you have to deal with the pitfalls of pride that come your way because God is using you... just read a great book, The Heavenly Man, which made me think about this even more, although it's not the main subject of the book by any means (which is about the life of totally amazing Chinese pastor... very humbling and challenging)... although God's been teaching me about this for sometime, I'm still not totally comfortable with owning and using my gifts with out feeling the need to apologise!

just had a fabulous time in Prague - I know I'm not the first to say this, but, if you get the chance you must go!! Historical, beautiful, relaxed and yet full of vitality - it's hard to imagine that it was ever in a communist country...

It was the first family holiday for several years - so had a great time catching up with them, especially since soon we will be doing majorly 'different' things all over the world - my brother David is returning to southern Sudan to coordinate Medair's Emergency Relief Work there, my parents, now they are retired are looking at going abroad for a couple of years to work in mission - probably for Interserve, maybe in Pakistan... I hope this will be a redemption of the hard time I had there!! And then me of course off to train for ordination in Oxford.. exciting times for the Hill family!

'transformation comes from revelation not information' ... definitely one to ponder more! On that score I would definitely like to see some revelation on how to trust God and stop fretting about things... it really takes up too much of my thinking time (I spend a lot of time thinking too!)

ooo TOTALLY forgot to say 'Whale Rider' go and see it, it's great! quite emotional - wasn't quite expecting that, but a beautiful, 'real' fairy tale, uplifting! (the website's good too)

just want to give thanks for lots of things - I think I've been dwelling too much on the stuff God's taking me through and I feel very challenged to remember to really celebrate all the goodness coming my way my heavenly Father! So much thanks for a beautiful sunny weekend, being able to get all the things done on my 'to do' list from cleaning to buying some new CD's (@ Record Collector) of which the one I really like is The Coral thought I'd break out of the mean streak I have of never buying any music, before I have no money!! Also had a really good chat to my Aunty Janet and then my friend Bryony on Friday neither of whom I've talked to in a long time and I watched 'Castaway' on video which was OK ... not sure I really 'got' it! On Saturday I cooked a truly yummy meal for Alex and Katell (my lovely next door neighbours) and on Sunday I did some gardening and went to Andrew Pickering's birthday garden party .. forgotten just how much I like Pimms!!

So those are just the 'extras' to give thanks for never mind all the stuff I take for granted! 'You are good, and what You do is good' Psalm 119:68