Christmas in the 'burbs...

well, here I am still at my parents - 'cos my brother is still around (back from Kenya briefly) ... not that seems to make any difference to how much we see him, he's off out catching up with friends! (all my friends from school have very sensibly moved away from this smug characterless town) ho-hum...

it is very weird being back here for an extended period - everyone seems to revert back into role... I seem to lose my individual identity, and just float along doing what I'm told, and running off to watch tv and surf the 'net (and doing some work, but not too much!) like the teenager I used to be ... it is really odd this lack of personal space - seems to wipe out my relationship with God as I know it (i.e. I'm not really praying, reading the Bible or thinking about stuff for myself) so what does that mean for someone who theoretically believes that being a Christian is not an individualistic enterprise, but should be about joining the body of Christ, being in community? does this mean I have totally the wrong model of spirituality to match this ideal? maybe so...

on a lighter note, Christmas has been fun, seen a lot more of both sides of the family than I often do at Christmas which is good and weird at the same time... and I've been happily watching much of what my new 'Return of the King' extended edition dvd has to offer - great stuff:)

We're all teenagers...

I've just stumbled across this fascinating article about the power of youth in an aging culture... I think the church, and especially the 'emerging' church movement has succumbed to this worldview fairly whole-heartedly... and I'm not sure this is a good thing! The writer says:

The turning point, of course, was the 1960s. Until then, young people were largely ignored in a culture that was determinedly and stiflingly middle-aged. A generation, who were brought up in very different conditions from those of their parents, rebelled in a way that remains unprecedented in western society.

Why is it unprecedented? What are we missing? (I'm not questioning that we've gained things) previous cultures really valued their elders, whereas I'm not even sure I know how to even listen properly to the wisdom of my elders anymore - I'm reading a book written in 1968 which is supposed to be a seminal work (Francis Schaeffer's The God Who Is There) and apart from the fact I only dimly understand some of it, I struggle to escape the attitude of 'this is so modernist, what can it possibly have to say to me?' ! Surely it will have something to say... after all I don't seem to have that problem with the Bible or the early church writers... hmmm - any comment?

happy/sad...

a dear friend of mine got engaged last week, and mostly I am so chuffed that he did, like you wouldn't believe...

but things like that also make me sad, 'cos changes like these has often meant losing things that are precious - and friendships have to be the most precious things to me... whilst this change wouldn't necessarily mean that we'll lose touch anymore than the fact that we will be leaving college and going off to different places, it just was a marker which made me reflect on leaving people behind, and how rubbish it is, and how I've done it too often, and how at the moment I don't have anyone (apart from the big G obviously) who'll stay with me - and that makes me sad... ho-hum!

Will I ever learn to thrive on change I wonder?! Does leaving people benefit me and them sometimes? It would be good to have some clue about the answers!

I'm not sure whether the fact that I'm visiting friends in Sheffield this coming weekend helps me or not... but I am very much looking forward to it:)

Humorously convicting...

I've just found this on Maggi Dawn's blog... and I'd just been musing to my friend Stevie J that I'm still struggling with my more conservative brothers and sisters in the Christian world... and also with those who disagree with me polictically... oh to be humble, and loving, and right too;) !

mutuality...

further to my previous post (thanks for the comments Pete and Jen, they really helped:)... I think what I've been edging towards for a long while is:

• learning to celebrate what is great about the opposite sex, to honour and respect men for who they are, not denigrate them for what they're not (which is where the wondering about giving them priority in leadership came from) ...
• at the same time (like Jen said) cherish what's fab about being a woman from the 'frivolous' to the 'deep' stuff, and not to sell myself short
  

it's all good, these difference that God has made:) ... perhaps that's another layer of meaning to that thing in the marriage service that says 'what God has joined let no one seperate'?!

well better get on with my 'worship' (i.e. liturgy) essay... ho-hum

oh boy, what to say?

For ages I've been trying and failing (and therefore deleting before publishing) to write a post on the whole man/woman communication/role deal... 'cos it is a deal - especially in this weird world of theological college, where there's a maximum of 1/3 of the students being female - a bit of an anomaly in my experience of life (my uni days was in a place where trainee teachers and occupational therapists ruled, and therefore there were loads more women there) ...

having been brought up in a 'post-feminist' environment, it's taken me a while to learn that actually there are differences between men and women that do matter (this lack of recognition of the difference as a child for example, meant that it never occurred to me that the adverts for the army didn't directly apply for me). Whether they should or not is really a different deal, but that's the way things are. And it's taken me a while to take and own the good things within 'traditional' feminine identity - not everything, but I think I hadn't been encouraged to take on some of the positive stuff of being a woman.

Of course being a woman in a traditionally male environment highlights this whole identity thing in a very particular way - despite my belief that the Bible does allow space for women to be leaders, it doesn't particularly help in providing models, and neither does much of the current church scene (traditional or emerging). I'm still not sure, and perhaps this is a dangerous thing to say, that there isn't some space for difference in the perceived priority of roles in which men and women lead and serve the church (i.e. that there are areas where men more usually take the lead) ... or maybe that's just because it's emotionally and culturally appropriate at the moment? I dunno, I really don't know what I'm talking about, I'm just trying to feel my way to the bottom of what the questions should be, nevermind the answers!

... and before you ask 1 sermon and 1 essay down, with a talk and 3 essays to go (I think the talk is written, now I just have to deliver it!) so things are looking up... tho i still wouldn't mind that extra day that Ande (see comments below) has been interceding for! And hi to Jen - I'm glad you like my 'blog... where's yours?!

tara for now;)

overloaded!!

Well, I keep thinking that I'll wait 'till I have something profound to post (it's not good reading too many blogs by people who are naturally articulate and thought-through - raises the bar way too high!) but actually that's never going to happen...

so instead I just want to say that THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH HOURS IN THE DAY!! (recover composure after embarrassing and unnecessary outburst) but really there aren't - this term at Wycliffe has been really fun, I've hung out with lots of nice people, been much more sociable than I was able to be last year. But as we approach the last 2 weeks of term I seem to have an all age sermon to give on Sunday (on being ready for the Second Coming as well...), an Alpha talk on 'how God guides us' to a bunch of sixth formers on Wednesday, and 4 essays to do.
How did that happen??!!

So actually I'm hoping for the Second Coming sooner rather than later! ... Although if I think about that a bit harder, perhaps not, I'm not sure that I am ready...

but if I'm even more silent than usual you'll know why, although blogging may become the next in a long line of procrastination techniques... watch this space (or not!)

an addition to my argument below... I think I nicked this off Jonny Baker's blog (see my random links list)

My heart cracks...

man, I haven't felt this stirred up about politics in a long time... and it's not even my own country - George W. winning over there is kinda what I expected, and to be frank I'm not sure how much good Kerry could have done... I guess we might have had a President (and as much as I'd like to think that the President of the US is just their business, it's not - they are the only superpower, and it affects us all) who didn't come across as so self-righteous and blind to other people's opinions and interests.

However the US has sucked us all in to such a mess in Iraq, the environment is getting more and more screwed up and yet there's no sign of anybody really seriously putting long term self interest before short term profit, the poor get poorer and the rich more screwed up... what can any one person, even the President of US really change, in any major way, about any of that?

What really breaks my heart tho' is what a massive divide this election has shown up, and there doesn't seem to be anyway of talking across it - both sides are so convinced they are right, that they are on the side of good and the other side are short sighted ignorant so-and-so's that there's no way of things changing. This is especially painful in the Christian world where 'evangelicals' in this country would also include in their major concerns the environment, justice for the poor and so on... whereas American 'evangelicals' seem obsessed with personal moral issues (which are, in my opinion, much more difficult to ask civil legislation to rule on) such as abortion, gay marriage and so on, over and above everything else - this includes American friends who live here - I find it so hard to talk to them about it, cos we don't even seem to be talking the same language!

I was going to say more, but I'm not sure I trust myself not to splutter with incoherent, misdirected rage at the way the world seems to be going...

Lord have mercy on us all!

remember, remember...

that life is good! I'm feeling really positive about life, the universe and everything at the moment, and I'm trying to write that down in as many places as possible, to come back to when the next turn of the wheel comes - that here on the 'mountain top' I can see things in their proper perspective (?) - to remind myself that I have some really good friends, that God loves me and that I'm part of some amazing communities.

It's not that there aren't things I'm struggling with - I'm still not brilliant at getting on top of the workload (but I'm not worrying about it quite so much), I still don't like being single (but I don't feel like a complete loser about it as I did a few months ago), I'm thinking through my faith, what it means to me and how much I really believe - how much of difference is it making to my life? And is there anything I can do to deepen my relationship with God? But I'm actually quite excited about that, despite the one step forward, two steps back progress I often make - after all having a better grasp on the fact that I can rely on God's love and faithfulness means it's not really about me, it's about discovering more of Him and His resources:)

I also came across this post about the temptations that become really strong when life is pants... wise words indeed... and on that note I shall stop, and try and think of rather more profound things to post next time!

ah-ha!

In a conversation with a wise friend yesterday I realised what I had been wittering on about in my previous post (which didn't publish properly so you couldn't comment on it even if you'd wanted to!!) basically boils down to a lack of faith, for 'faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see' (Hebrews 11:1). Which is actually hopeful, a signpost to listen out for what God's saying now and look back at what He's said in the past - since 'faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word of Christ.' (Romans 10:17)

being me...

You know, I can never believe that I'm 29, or even that I come over that way (people often tell me that they think I'm several years younger - should that be a compliment?). I think the thing is that I had expected to have made a few more decisions about who I am by now... somehow I get the message loud and clear from culture that this last decade of my life should have been the 'high point' of what makes me, me. It should have been what I'd been building up to for the previous 19 years and what I'll spend the rest of my life trying to recapture.

And yet it sure doesn't feel that way, I hardly feel like I've got started. I've bummed around in different places, doing lots of different jobs, getting little insights into different worlds and professions from doing stuff on the edges of them. But I don't think I've really got hold of the main stuff I think I could be good at, the music I really like, nor indeed the relationships that I'd like to carry with me for the rest of my life. Without any conscious need or intention to do so, I haven't lived in the same place for more than 3 years since I left home to go to University. Which has lots of consequence, including the ones I've just described.

Perhaps I'm not alone in my generation, still waiting to grow up and take responsibility... or perhaps I don't appreciate what I have done, been part of, learnt already, since 'it's only me', not easy to see as extraordinary... it's also interesting to see how much I've talked about me how the pressure is on to find an individual identity, rather than finding myself as part of something bigger. hmmm, enough already!

partially provoked by seeing The Motorcycle Diaries, getting a new haircut and having a tricky conversation with a friend yesterday... ;)

My brain is finite... but the mind of God is infinite..

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.

I have just finished two long essays (Church History, and the contemporary world) and am in the midst of what Wycliffe Hall likes to call an 'Integrated Study Week' (Birth and Baptism... with a lot more besides) ... and I am much relieved to know that:

a) God has given me a brain so that I can appreciate the many questions that are provoked by His existence and His creation...

b) That I am not expected to and cannot contain, or discover, all the answers to those questions, but that God does...

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say by that, except relief that humanity is not the peak of existence, if we are, then I'm pretty sure we are in trouble!

thoughts about community... and sunny days:)

This is great little reflection on community... and a real help for me to think about how I was feeling on Friday ... written by a guy I know vaguely through being in Sheffield...

Just to share a 'warm and fuzzy' (to counterbalance my tendency to blog when feeling rubbish) I'd just like to say that I've had a great day so far today ... up early, cup of tea, off for a swim at the new uni pool (30 lengths - new pb;), back for scrambled eggs for brekkie, sorted through stuff that has needed doing for ages, long lunch at the pub in the sunshine with hOMEies and my old friend Matt Rutter ... then Matt I went to go punting, but ended up with a big canoe... which was great ... nothing is lovelier than English rivers in the sunshine! More days like this please!!

I wish... I wish... Or do I?

Sigh... Trying to readjust to the high-pressure world of theological college (even though lectures don't start for another 3 weeks) - through the slightly odd medium of a New Wine Ordinands Conference here in Oxford - much good stuff, and feel the promise of much more good stuff from God - but oh how these things bring out all my insecurities in gloriously focused technicolour!!

It's the first time I've seen some of my fellow ordinands at Wycliffe for a while - and one of the first things they want to know is

'Did you a Have a Good Holiday?'

... and the answer is kind of complicated... in the sense that

'No, I did not Go Somewhere Sunny (because I find it hard to know who to go with/ would like to go with me... and some who said that would, didn't)... and Actually I was in Hospital for 6 Days because I had my Appendix Out and I've been Catching Up With Work and when you ask that, it feels like my 'holiday' has been A Bit of a Slog'

but also...

'Yes, as I had a lovely time catching up with my family for a few days in Devon (I nearly said heaven!) and I went to New Wine A - where I enjoyed the camping and (shock, horror) quite a few of the talks, and I had ten days in Sheffield housesitting - I really enjoyed having somewhere to have people round, and catching up with friends in a chilled out way, and going to the Peak District, and joining the Order of Mission which holds lots of possibilities for the future (mine and the Church's!)... but... that's not so concrete, is it?'

Holidays often feel like a bit of pressure to me to Have a Good Time and Chill Out... it's strange isn't it? But that's How It Is... 'cos holidays have become the obligatory high point of years where we only work under sufferance, and kicking back is What It's All About... maybe I'm coming over all bitter and twisted about this 'cos there's lots of letting go (I originally said work!) I'd like to do, about being secure enough in all that God has made me and share it with other people... actually, sometimes I am... but at the moment it feels like mostly I'm not... guess it does have to be worked through - find out what's going on underneath!

There remains, then, a Sabbath-rest for the people of God; for anyone who enters God's rest also rests from his own work, just as God did from his. Let us, therefore, make every effort to enter that rest, so that no one will fall by following their example of disobedience. Hebrews 4: 9-11

Perhaps we need to 'make every effort' (!) to live in that rest body, mind and spirit!

this is hilarious...

of all the 'personality' tests on the internet this makes me grin the most!


20 Questions to a Better Personality

Wackiness: 16/100
Rationality: 16/100
Constructiveness: 16/
100Leadership: 4/100

You are a SEDF--Sober Emotional Destructive Follower. This makes you an Evil Genius.You are extremely focused and difficult to distract from your tasks. With luck, you have learned to channel your energies into improving your intellect, rather than destroying the weak and unsuspecting.Your friends may find you remote and a hard nut to crack. Few of your peers know you very well--even those you have known a long time--because you have expert control of the face you put forth to the world. You prefer to observe, calculate, discern and decide. Your decisions are final, and your desire to be right is impenetrable.You are not to be messed with. You may explode.
Of the 10595 people who have taken this quiz since tracking began (8/17/2004), 13.7 % are this type.

treasure?

this got me thinking (click on the post's title)... do I treasure what I have enough to give it away?... or is it so unappreciated that I don't know what has a hold on me? hmmm

anyhow this is the front page of the site... Sacred Space - the prayer site run by the Irish Jesuits

Absence makes the heart grow fonder?

Well, well, been away long time... been poorly sick (as my friend Ema would say) - two days after long absent parents return to the country, they have to rush me into their local hospital for what turned out to be an emergency op. to remove a rather icky appendix... 

I think all and sundry are hoping this is the end to a year of unprecedented ill-health for me. It's been proper frustrating! However when all's said and done I am almost completely better - just lacking a bit of oomph on the energy front... even that seems to be getting better every day! (am on iron tablets for anemia:)

What slightly worries me about being ill is that so much of what I consider to be 'me' seems to disappear. I talk to God only occasionaly, I'm really antisocial and I find it really difficult to care for myself or others... in some ways fair enough, but in others - especially the God thing - how on earth can I say that this is a fundamental part of me when it flees away so easily and almost without me noticing?
Of course the other possibility is that because I've related to God for all my life I don't actually know what it feels like to be totally without Him, what actually disappears is the religion that I put on top!! Certainly I always knew everything was going to be OK one way or the other, and wasn't worried about stuff in ways I'm sure many people are. Hmmm...

Talking of absence, having both my parents and my 'little' brother back in the country for a short while has made me realise (despite instant bickering on the way home from the airport!!) how much they are part of me and whole I feel when they are around. Not in any dramatic way, it just 'is', much in the way that grass 'is' green and it would only be noticeable if it wasn't ... they're great:) I feel privileged to be part of such a family. The next puzzle is how to lay hold of and give away the best of what I've been given through it!
 

frankly?

Recently I've been having a bit of a dilemma about what to post here, because I know that friends, and strangers (from time to time;), who read this are coming from completely different places spiritually (even if I don't what those places are...) and thinking about it, that's true of those who hear what I say I the 'real' world too...

so how much do I say about what I'm thinking about matters 'internal' to the church ... there's lots of blogs out there that are quite interesting to church geeks like me;) (which could be both incomprehensible and dull to those who couldn't give a monkeys)?

And how much do I need to say about 'what I'm doing/where I've been' (which, frankly, could be quite unnecessary and dull to all concerned ;)? although that was the reason for setting up a blog in the first place, to dispense with the need for emailing out newsletters too often...

I think you might all have to put up with general musings on other 'stuff'...

And if I don't talk a little about these things to all of my friends and acquaintances how honest am I being?
Of course there are levels of things that are appropriate to say, and sometimes I'm a bit too open with the wrong people, at the wrong time, 'cos I worry about not being 'honest'! (sigh, it's hard work being me!!)
But I think we should at least share a sniff of what else we are in other situations too, otherwise integrity (a universally valued commodity!) can easily slip away...

hmmm 'answers' on comments please;)

Several and various good things...

had people round for dinner for the first time (my good friends Steve, Rob & Steph, & flatmate Nat) last night - good to realise that I can do this, even if we eat from plates on our knees in my bedroom/study! Can't see me ever feeling comfortable with inviting people who have 'proper' houses round tho'... oh the joys of being a single ordinand!

I feel like I've turned a corner with the whole loneliness thing - something I've been struggling with quite a lot this year. It seems to be like fog - suddenly appears and blankets everything, distancing me from everyone around and then slips away gradually without me noticing... it's made me realise tho' that it's often more of a state of mind, rather than directly linked to the 'real-life' situation I'm in (although that obviously has some bearing on it!)

I went with a couple of other people from Wycliffe, to a conference in London (Kensington v. posh!) called 'mission-shaped church' on Wednesday. It was about changing ways of doing church/ church planting within the Church of England - really encouraging on lots of levels, just a few quotable points were:

* don't try to be relevant, focus on relationships and you will be!
* Jesus didn't set out to found the institution of the church, but nor did it happen by accident - church is the event which happens when we encounter Jesus (from the Archbishop's address)
* church should look more and more like a taste of the new heaven and earth..

I think the most exciting thing was the level of encouragement from the Archbishop and other Bishops to be creative about how to do church... we don't have to do this 'on the sly':)

Noticeable by His absence...

One of the things I've been doing recently is reading some blogs of people involved in doing church 'new' ways ... and I'm kind of disappointed (or maybe I haven't been logging on often enough;), ... there's lots of interesting discussion about what we do and what we think about it. They are, of course, discussions and ideas that need to be shared, but that's not what I care about the most when doing/being church, any kind of style of church ...

What I am excited about is that we get to be disciples of Jesus, to enter his presence without fear, to be transformed into the people we were meant to be, to tell people that they are loved and wanted no matter what (that's what I love the most about being a Christian, getting to love people like God does:).. and that's what I really want to hear about when people are doing new kinds of church - is the creativity and freshness of 'emerging church' releasing people to be more effective disciples? are we enabled to be more generous and Spirit filled? ultimately is it a place where we meet God in an even deeper way? if so I want to catch some of that!
I don't care, really, what the church does or what it looks like if not... I guess testimonies are hard to write without seeming super-spiritual, but surely it must be possible? well I guess if it's possible I'd better start looking around me too;)

clearly procrastinating now (avoiding writing a long overdue essay on Luther!)... picked a new template - quite like it, trying to go for that 'old book' look to match the chronicles theme - however since i blog purely through guess work have lost a few features... nothing too drastic I hope!

any feedback on the profile (by those who know me!!) would be great - not sure this really reflects me, but couldn't put my finger on more than what i'm doing at the moment to be able to put it down into words!

btw hello Elaine Storkey (one of my tutors) I found out the other day she's read my blog a couple of times... scary!

so Trinity Term and my first year at Wycliffe is over ... craziness! In some ways it has sped past, but in other ways I struggle to remember life outside this bubble or imagine life after it.
Quite scary saying goodbye to all those who are going on to curacies right now - moving fully into the whole life vocation that ordination is i.e. living in goldfish bowl! I guess i'm still trying to imagine what kind of place i want to go to and how on earth i'd cope with doing it on my own (i'd really rather not) - anywhere God's on the move and i can join in would be good;)
I watched the film 'The Mission' the other day for the first time - beautiful and thought provoking ... as a subsidary reflction, i could really see for the first time when i looked at the Jesuit priests why being single can really be an advantage when you are trying to take a stand for things that are right and will put you in danger... very challenging. Anyhow a great film with a great soundtrack!

hello, hello!

thanks to all who commented - good to know i'm not just talking to myself... carry on commenting;)

well been quite enjoying myself recently - we had a college ball, which was actually great fun, really well organised, lots of people and i didn't run away (or even want to) - which is often my reaction to these things.

the sunny weather definitely helps cheeriness ratings, as does good chats with lots of lovely people at Wycliffe - i do like this place... even if lacks the perfection of being in Sheffield and Oxford at the same time!!

second lot of sermons coming up on Sunday, so that should be fun, especially as i've had a lot more recent experience of speaking than i did last time round!

am actually looking forward to summer hols now - short trip to Italy, family holiday in Devon and probably a couple of weeks in Sheff at the end of August... must remember to do my essays too!

....and finally, as originally identified on my trip to South Carolina, USA

I am 92.5% British, just like
HRH Prince Charles
Though you'll never be king you certainly know where your castle is.

Take the Brit Quiz at
darrenlondon.tripod.com/britquiz1.htm


just in case you hadn't guessed!

just received 'complaint' about lack of posting from me ... well it's nice to know somebody reads it (hi wendy;)... please do comment if you visit even if just to say 'hello' then i know i'm not just being self indulgent...

that said what shall i tell y'all now? well i went to the 'big [poetry] slam' on sunday which was awesome - just amazing collection of funny poignant angry beautiful poets and poetry, tho' there were a few quite aggresively against Christianity, but i came to the conclusion that it's good to be offended once in a while and check out why that is and whether you should be! the 'old-hands' won the competition - the USA team (where slams began) .. check out this link about Taylor Mali their 'top' poet (against Oxford, London and Birmingham - was sorry not to hear more from Brum there was some particularly top guys on that team) also went to say 'hi' to Steve Larkin, one of the Oxford comperes, who i had heard quoted my previous entry on the many merits of the 'hammer and tongue' evening at another event ... i sometimes forget this is the public domain!! but anyhow, a top bloke :) i'm looking forward to the next time i can go already...

other than that? well trying, but largely failing, to work ... too busy doing other stuff and sunnyness outside isn't helping either ... also wondering how to arrange my summer ... 14 scary weeks off (term ends on 18th June!!) - anybody want to go travellin?! tho am really looking forward to Mum and Dad being back in the country after their 6 months in Bangladesh with Interserve.. and I'll get to see David (little bruvver) and his 'new' Kenyan girlfriend Monica too :) while he is back from Kenya/ Sudan!

well i know it's been awhile - i've been busy revising for my first two exams in 8 years - Old and New Testament... whilst i don't really have a clue how the exams went, the revision was good - finally things, important things like the history of Israel and how fits in with the rest of the world, has begun to fall into place - so i guess as long as i pass these exams the point of having them - learning your stuff - has already been achieved for me:) which is nice.

other than that the shortest term is already in its 3rd of 8 weeks - very scary!! then i will have something ridiculous like 14 weeks holiday to fill ... i do have 2 long essays to do but i'm not planning to fill all those weeks with work!! so any suggestions gratefully received - [jargon alert...] New Wine A is the only thing booked in so far - going with peeps from 'hOME' church here in Oxford - they're gonna be involved in leading some funky dance/chill-out style worship as part of the emerging church stream... [jargon over]

tonight our fellowship group i'm in played croquet and drank pimms on the lawn... a fun attempt at being a proper Oxford college!

so today has been a good day - i even enjoyed the first day of our 'Sex and Marriage' Integrated Study Week:) we got to run thru how to take a wedding service... be afraid, very afraid!! (don't worry we do get more training on that before we are let loose!!) generally tho (and i guess that's why i haven't been posting.. aside from the revision excuse) i've been quite up and down emotionally struggling with feelings of loneliness - doesn't always seem to connect with my situation logically but there you go!
got a new Spiritual Director tho' who really 'gets' me and is very wise too:) hoorah!

gosh i have been saving a lot up haven't i? and i thought i didn't have anything to say!!

New Wine Ordinands conference in Nottingham yesterday - v good just to be prayed for and tho' "through the glass darkly" to re-connect with God again, to take decisions as I'm being prayed for to trust Him rather than go 'yeah, whatever' - which is what i do to almost anything positive that comes my way whether from Jesus or from even my dearest friends...

today i read the book we got given about John Wimber (a v cool chilled out American pastor who founded a worldwide movement for those of you who don't know;) which has been v refreshing and challenging by turns - what really got me was his focus on what Jesus wanted and that he really didn't get the insecure competitive/comparing thing - something I often struggle with. It just brought home to me that God calls me to serve him as me, and become more like the me he designed me to be - not anyone else - however much I admire them! I so want to learn this lesson and not have to keep re-taking it!! Lots of prayer and repentence I guess:)

back again... after another foray away from Oxford

this time on a college 'mission' to Cheltenham - tiring, confusing and by turns discouraging and encouraging... but good to see three different churches in action and seeing people encouraged in sharing their faith and in hearing a bit more about it .. will reflect more on it some time soon.

but good to be back in my own space again!

ahhh am home, (back in Oxford... it's nice to know that this is my home for now, a place where i feel safe:) Sheffield was great tho' - I didn't see everybody which is slightly distressing in one sense, ('cos I love you all!) but also good as well - in that I got to spend some quality time with people who i love dearly - I feel v blessed to know such amazing people... it really is a privilege! to hear how God is moving in their lives and to chat through with them how i am and get their wisdom just really refreshing!

also the Lent-style stripped-down acoustic worship at the 6pm evening service at St Thom's was great... i do love that church:)

a new experience was having a car in Sheff - kept getting slightly misdirected... knew where i was but wasn't where i wanted to be! the responsibility of having such a powerful and expensive thing under my care was a bit stressful actually ... i'm sure i'll get used to it... although the abysmal M1 did not help either way! not sure what says about me and responsibilty, if anything!

This week at college we are taking an intensive look at Christian youth and children’s work in and out of church, which has been very inspiring … what I’m wondering is if (as has been persuasively put) all generations are part of the family of God, and we lose out if we don’t give and receive from each other within this … then how do we justify single generational church like hOME?

I really miss having kids around and the blessing they are… and also, as we talked about at hOME last week, the ‘wise old-heads’ for wisdom and experience… I know it’s harder work, but it is often worth it!

I guess if I process what I’ve found the most valuable thing I’ve found about being in a group of just my own generation is a chance to find and express my own identity in worship. Often in cross generational church we go for the inoffensive middle which doesn’t allow that … I’ve seen so much creativity in em gen church – which is so God as far as I’m concerned! Can you do candles and dance music with kids? possibly… With older people? probably not!! gotta serve?

BUT I have been really blessed by children in the past and I loved growing up as a kid in church of all ages – being part of a bigger family than just my biological family and feeling that sense of belonging. So I’d love to be part of giving and sharing that with another generation of children… get this 72% of people who come to faith through the Alpha course in the UK, had some kind of contact with the church as children… what about the children of this generation only 4% of whom have any meaningful contact with church?!

well just been to the hammer and tongue 'poetry slam' at the (absolutely packed) 'brickworks' on the Cowley Road in Oxford (the more interesting bit of Oxford for those of you up norf;) with my small group/huddle/mission expression of hOME . The poetry slam was v. cool - there was a couple of black poets from NYC on tour (apparently poetry slams are huge over there) who were amazing - funny, angry, 'paranoid' and gracious and then some local non-professional poets who were entering the 'slam'.

The place was just full of such a cool bunch of really diverse people black, white, young, old, a goodly smattering of eco-warrior/hippy types (I think if I hadn't been so heavily committed to the church for my entire life I would have gone and joined these people at the eco-demonstrations/ parties/ protests) it was great... especially since I spend most of my time with (lovely:) white middle class ordinands! people were just being friendly, encouraging to these v cool poets, who were raw, funny and 'conscious' - doing community and protest (next time it's in aid of fair trade/ anti corporate/ stopping climate change I am definitely going back! I wish the church was much more like that.... I am very excited tho' that I've been (re)introduced to this world, especially when so much of my training is so mono-cultural!
When people become Christians do we expect them to fit in with our culture? often i think!

just followed one of the ad's at the top of my blog to find this ohmiword!

y'know I've been thinking recently (too much no doubt) that how you think of yourself is often a bit 'out of date'...
shall i give an example? well i tend to think that i can just about stand traditional Anglican, liturgy/old hymn-heavy services (which we'll call 'A') and actually despite my rather accidental involvement in new ways of doing church for the last 3 years (shall we call that 'B'?!) that i don't really fit there, as i didn't arrive in huff with ordinary church. I had actually done OK sustaining my faith at ordinary largish Anglican charismatic churches and i have this thought that one day i'll move out of this 'trendy' (which doesn't quite fit with my image of myself as a bit square!) phase back into 'bog-standard' Anglican worship ...

... Yesterday I discovered that that's not really true anymore as the sharp contrast between the Ash Wednesday service at college which was very much 'A' (with some truly uninspiring hymns i'd never heard of written just after the 1st millennium) and a rant from the Bishop of Buckingham about I'm not sure what (but along the lines of we're really terrible at showing Jesus to people aren't we?)
... and then just an hour later was at hOME's Ash Wednesday service which was awesome ('B') we did have liturgy - but focusing on the particular stuff we need to repent of now (consumerism, desire for fame, food focus, lack of attention to the poor) - and ashing from burning up symbols of that stuff - which was powerful... I actually met with God in the worship ('trendy' dance based songs) and so repentance and freedom actually meant something in my life right now ... i think this could be telling me something! be interesting to see how God works this out through my jobs post-Wycliffe!

God is Good:) just been at a great communion service @ college - i just feel really privileged to be amongst people who really want to be true worshippers of God and to create a place to be real with each other:) so many other things to be thankful for too - good friends here, hOME (i.e. church!), so much material provision, knowing that God loves me and that whatever happens I'm safe with Him...

y'know the advantage and disadvantage of this knowledge really hit home yesterday when I went to see 'Touching the Void' of the book of the same name - y'know the mountaineering one where the guy cuts the rope?! Anyhow Joe Simpson, the one who falls into a crevasse and crawls out of it and many miles back to base camp with a broken leg, when his mates things he's dead for sure - in the midst of it he decides for sure that he doesn't believe in God (not great) which is just so depressing, with his consequent terrible aloness and yet that is what drives him to keep going through terrible privation and pain - he was determined not to die alone... i think if he had believed in God he wouldn't have been so determined to get back. I know I would have just thought 'well take me now Lord I'm looking forward to heaven anyhow'! That loneliness kept him alive... not sure what to think about that... maybe it's more of an insight into my laziness/cowardice than anything else!

sigh... v tired... ah well 'worse things happen at sea' ... apparently ... according to my (formerly) annoying little brother!
Anyhow lots of good things happening in my life - feeling a bit more involved, mainly due to brief spurt of volunteering for stuff!
One really good thing, which when I'm less tired, I will be really excited about is the new 'small group' I've joined @ 'hOME' it's mission is getting involved in the arts/cafe culture scene ... and it's just a really great group of people and we had a great laugh and getting to know each other session last night ... partly based around sharing a book/film that has meant a great deal to you and why... inevitably mine was LOTR 'cos it made me think alot about courage, stepping up to leadership/responsibility even if you doubt yourself and about friendship - we all had a really good chat about the characters we most identify with and why - it was just an illuminating and somehow 'safer' way of getting to know each other - i recommend it:)

finally started sorting my links out - is it terrible blog-ettiquette not to have done this earlier? and is it wierd to link to people's blogs who you don't know that well, but they have great things to say?

also, since i am at theological college!:

"What a mystery is this, that Christianity should have done so little good in the world! Can any account of this be given? Can any reasons be assigned for it?"

You are John Wesley! When things don't sit well with you, you make a big production and argue your way through everything. You complain a lot, but, at least you are a thinker and not afraid to show it. You are also pretty liked by people, and pretty methodological about your life and goals. You know where you're going. Some people find you irritating, so watch out for people leaving you out of things they do.

What theologian are you?

A creation of Henderson


hmmm... little bit too indulgent of my paranoid side... the first time i did it i came out as Augustine which is a little cooler i think!
ah well 'pride before the fall' as they say!

yet another update on the health of Ms N Hill...
Today is my second full day out of hospital, after being taken in, by ambulance, to the John Radcliffe at about 2.30am on Wednesday with extreme acute stomach pain (due to screams - flatmates thought i was being murdered!!) the doctors have no idea what caused it, but i am considerably better now and hope to be going at full speed by the end of the week! very painful and very inconvienient (sp.?)...

however had lots of lovely people visit me and send cards and stuff, including soon-to-be-beatified flatmates who visited every day:) i had a room to myself (a good thing when your visitors are raucous theological students!) and morphine for much of the time i was there ... so it's not like i wasn't looked after - thanks to the big G for all that:)

of course any prayers that this doesn't reoccur and they find out what i've got would also be appreciated;)

other than life has rather passed me by ... although due to the wonders of modern technology i had my own personal tv/'phone/radio set in my room so i am well up on daytime tv!!

sooo sometime soon i've got to write a sermon for my first outside preach (aaarghh), get cracking on my essays and generally sort out the life that went on hold last week!

take care y'all!

ho-hum ... the poverty of being reduced to dial-up... means less blogging! (as does holidays, overdue essays and parents leaving the country for six months!)

well i haven't said anything of much interest for ages really have I? now apologies to the pagans who read this, but here's a spot of 'God-stuff' - if you want more mundane news i've done an email thingie, so email me and i'll reply with my latest day-to-day news;)

.... something i've been thinking about for the last few days is the fact as Christians we need to leave our nationality behind to some extent - that often being proud of/preferential to the way our country of origin does things is a hindrance to following Jesus. Something I had to learn when I went to the US last May... to be challenged about my prejudice against the 'States (the last acceptable prejudice in the UK?) which looked very similar to hatred and anger and jealousy when i was actually there - not really godly is it?!

It just not something you ever hear taught on - I guess it's easy for nationality to become a blindspot 'cos that's the most encompassing environment you are in - yet it's really biblical, there's the whole thing about being equal in the site of God:
Here there is no Greek or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all. but also our identity, being as citizens of heaven:

they [people in the Old Testament] admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country--a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.
Hebrews 11

Something to chew on... i might come back to this another time, but for the moment:

Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our "God is a consuming fire."

does that make any sense? very tired and should be writing an essay on the prophet Amos and Third World debt