woo-hoo! have worked out how to do comments all by my very own self... please feel free to add some! ... it may not sound much to some of you, but I think it's quite good especially since I've never done any kind of computing course (not even word for dummies..)! still need lessons on how to make this thing look a bit nicer, rather than 'blog-standard' ...

You are glucose. People feed off of you. You are
sweet, caring, and a source of energy for
everyone around you. You can inspire others
with your creativity and depth, and you can
keep people alive when in times of famine.
People love you...or at least the way you
taste.


hmmm bit wierd but then the 'soul' one was wierd too - I came out as artistic or rebellious which while fun isn't really me! (see bea and andy's blog)

Well the long weekend away was FAB - a real answer to several people's prayers (thanks to God and those that prayed) despite the crazy one-night-in-each-place scenario it was actually really refreshing (something to do with getting away from Wycliffe I think!)

The time at the young leaders forum was just a fantastic space to reflect on some of the stuff that I've been going through over the last term and also to hear from God - be challenged to be less self-centred and rediscover my gifts of encouragement etc. - explains why blogging has been so difficult - I've been a little self-obsessed and haven't been taking time to reflect and therefore haven't had much to say!

Mainly what I reflected on tho' was getting my priorities right as I go through this training - knowing what's top (getting to know God better and being transformed into a more Christ-like person) and using that knowledge as a filter to balance what I spend the most time on/ how I look at the experiences I'm having i.e.
What is God showing me about himself and about me through this (good/bad/frustrating/busy) time?
What is coming to the top?
Am I paying attention?
Am I living life in context or getting things out of proportion?! (the answer to the last one is too often 'yes'!)

Eddie was fantastic - now of course will need to purchase the DVD to watch it all again and be able to include random quotes in conversation when it gets boring/i want to startle people! Really cool to catch up with Cathers and drive over the Snake Pass with her in the pouring rain and see the Peak District (sigh!) again. [really must get my sidebar links sorted out!]

Sheffield was so lovely - really nice to be amongst people who know me well and have a rather ruder sense of humour than most theological students! But also made me appreciate being out of the amazing, but rather all-encompassing, world of St Thomas' Church - I've enjoyed having new perspectives and experiences of church!

'hOME' is going well and I'm beginning to feel more part of it - just need to keep combatting my bad habit of running away and thinking I'll be found out as a rather dull 'un-trendy' person any minute now (not that any of us are super trendy!) ... the bad habits of a life time take a long time to break!

must go - have Gender, the Bible and Us now - very interesting!!

don't have much of worth to say, but on the good news front am still alive, bit more chilled, got goodish marks for my first 3 essays, am going to see Eddie Izzard next Friday in Manchester with Cathers and then on to wonderful Sheffield (29th), and back doesn't hurt half as much as it used to:)

on the bad news side, still behind on essay deadlines, some of the practical training here is so horribly out of date it's not funny ('yes you can talk at people for 20 minutes without visual aids and they won't drop off to sleep... if they do its because they are stupid and have the attention span of a goldfish' ... not a direct quote!) not sure how i'm gonna deal with 3 years of this... ho hum

oh happy day! have handed my pagans v. Christians essay (1st round only - 1st-3rd centuries AD) ... now onto Postmodernism woo-hoo:) (seriously I'm hoping I can waffle about this with the minimum of fuss ... surely 3 years at St Thom's has some effect?!)

Anyhow as part of my 'research' (procrastination) I discovered this link on the 24-7 website ... very amusing!! Surely the answer to any 'mission' worries guilty Christians might have?!

would love to know how to put up a comments thingy for things like this... email me if you have a moment!

ahh so much has happened and yet so little brain to tell about it! So briefly last few weeks:

*Matthew essay = hell ... eventually 'finish'
*meet up with brother briefly back from Sudan:)
*onto next essay - Church history - Christians v. Pagans/Roman Empire = going well surprise, surprise
*suddenly get violently ill with gastroenteritis, spend a whole week in bed recovering and not eating anything/ struggling to keep water down!
*during illness saint-like flatmates look after me above and beyond the call of duty!
*finally am back to land of living, and am horribly behind with work ... again!

i am not quite at the stage of tackling said work, but may try this afternoon ... i should give thanks not just for aforementioned flatmates, but also to God for generally just being there even in my darkest moments, a beautiful tree just outside my window, family, good friends, life back in perspective and looking forward to Christmas ... hoorah!

crappitycrap ... another essay ... another stress!! grrr stop and started so many times, I'm really confused and may have to start again - and i've got another 3 years of an essay a week... will i ever get better at them? I hope so!! it's supposed to be reading week (ie chilling out a little bit)!! I think i'm too conscientious:( I used to think it was a good thing... but recently I've been wishing I didn't have to see the consequences (long and short term) so clearly, and just sack off work and have a good time... one day?!

Still, am going to 'home' (see link on side bar) tonight which should be good ... especially since it's the first worship thing i'll've been to - last week i had an identity crisis & was really unorganised and forgot to go to three meetings, including the first home worship service thing - normally i'm ms. hyper-organised - oh Lord what is happening?!

wobble, wobble, wobble .... it'll be alright in the end I'm sure?!

Hey!

Went to see Raising Victor Vargas last night - which was great... Rob and Steph thought it was amazing too! Totally on the button about the frustrations and fumblings of trying to get through being a teenager (which I tried to run away from at the time!)...

it really cheered me up as well, not just because it was a great film but 'cos i got out of college and did something normal!

obviously thinking too much as it's my 3rd blog of the afternoon (see below & thethingaboutit...!)

anyhow ... been meaning to put this up for a while - came to me via Dave and Niki Foote...

How Christians live victoriously in the midst of persecution (Research done in 70 countries with 400 people)

1. they know Jesus
2. they know the intimacy of prayer
3. they have committed large portions of scripture to memory
4. they have indigenous music
5. they feel they are prayed for
6. they know their family is cared for
7. they know their suffering is for Jesus
8. they believe suffering is normal
9. they claimed their freedom
10. they have lost their fear
11. ‘genealogy’ – have learnt from their ‘fathers’ (earthly or spiritual)

Challenging or what?!

OK, was gonna blog all my little moans and worries... however just been convicted by remembering what I was reading in Mike Pilavachi's book 'Wasteland?' that in the desert you need to remember to give thanks 'cos then when abundance comes you'll know where the good stuff comes from and won't get proud.... so here goes:

I am really thankful for my new friends Rob and Steph Sturdy - they are such great people... really fun to hang out with and also totally sold out for God:) (and helping me to get right through my USA prejudices)

I am really thankful that I've got a couple of emails from friends in Sheffield today - Cathers Pearson, and Hannah Stoney and that really cheered my up and made me feel loved! And that I talked with my friend Becky Taylor, and my Mum on the phone last night:)

I am thankful for the amazing provisions I have materially - home, clothes, food provided and cooked for me, teachers, books, education in general, equipment etc etc

I am really thankful that God never leaves me alone... even if that's uncomfortable sometimes... 'cos he's got a purpose, a place and people for me to be involved with!!

PRAISE GOD - HE IS GOOD!

ooo exciting new thingie on the side bar (look right) so you can put me in your outlook address book ... think it's a good thing!!

[1st essay done - on to no. 2 - Matthew's distinctive interests and emphases... oh joy ... when I discover how one meets God through writing an essay I'll let y'all know!]

Well, had lots of thought-provoking, emotion stirring talks today - in both good and bad ways...

1st up was Mr Alan Storkey (husband of Elaine) on Power today - especially focusing on Military Power - interesting stuff but far too much stuff alluded to with assumption of prior knowledge and values which was quite frustrating i.e. we all knew about 'Seargent Bilko' and the kind of US reliance on the military it implied or we had all come to the conclusion that 'war is wrong'...

then was the racism talk by an amazing woman from Zimbabwe ... sadly cut short, but I can tell that it's gonna be personally really challenging over the next few weeks

finally an 'extra' lecture on different streams not of Christianity, but of evangelicalism!! SOOO frustrating - I'm sure I came to college to be equipped to help others be disciples and disciple others to Jesus... not disappear up theological dead end debates about what we call each other... (I could be ruder but I don't think that would help!)

sooo yeah... well the essay is chugging along nicely now, thank you for asking ;) generally feeling a little bit more chilled out at the moment - I think it must be all the prayer I've been getting lately - mainly for my back... but you know how God slips in 'freebies' when you get prayed for! On that subject my back is so much better - I think it's been one of those 'healing by degrees' things - each time I got prayed for a specific area of pain got dealt with ... nearly there now - feels like God's been working on my shoulder and very stiff and painful neck all day (after being prayed for at chapel) and they've progressively getting better - yay God:) ! (this morning I couldn't turn over in bed it was so painful and now I can turn my head from side to side with minimal discomfort:)

did I mention all Church of England ordinands have to go to chapel every weekday morning? here at Wycliffe we are real slackers 'cos we go after breakfast at 8:20am ... whereas at least two other colleges I've heard of they have chapel prayers at 7am before half an hour's silence for personal devotions and then breakfast!! (also on Wednesday's we meet in 'fellowship groups' instead of chapel)... it's a tough life! still not sure if it's sunk in that this is gonna be part of my term time life for the next 3 years...

lectures have been good so far - when we get to go to main Uni lectures (as opposed to Wycliffe based ones) - it's quite awe inspiring to go to these ancient buildings and mix in with these v. brainy undergrads! good fun too:) we matriculate tomorrow (first dressing up session!) ... I'll let y'all know how it goes and what it involves (assuming I don't get sworn to secrecy!)

ooo quick mention for my new friends Rob and Steph from Alabama, USA - what great people - I've had lots of laughs hanging out with them already :) I must really be getting over my USA predjudices!! (Rob is doing ordination training too:)

ta ta for now!

I love these quizzy things (must be v Gen X - who am I? I can reinvent myself anytime I like!... least that's what Elaine Storkey said in our lecture yesterday...)

My inner child is sixteen years old!

Life's not fair! It's never been fair, but while
adults might just accept that, I know
something's gotta change. And it's gonna
change, just as soon as I become an adult and
get some power of my own.


How Old is Your Inner Child?
brought to you by Quizilla

not sure if this is exactly theologically sound ... oh well!!

my back is still a bit rubbish, tho' is getting better ... God is still amazing - had a wonderful time of prayer and worship at 'space' (student led worship and prayer) last night :)

Right now I need the Lord to motivate me to get this blinkin essay done

hrrmph discovered i'd posted and not published last entry (see below) - oh well! almost better just got a gippy (sp.?) back! enough of my aches and pains already!! (being v effectively soothed & challenged by mr marshall's excellent new album - if you haven't already you need to buy it!)

what i actually wanted to talk about is the beginning of my journey of discovery about the Old Testament which this week seems to have majored on (3 lectures), and I have an essay on the different portrayals of king Josiah in Kings and Chronicles to do! So much political intrigue! So many other things going on at the time that you don't really get to see in the Bible!

What I'm really having my eyes opened up to is that the Jewish religion was a 'work in progress' all the way through the Old Testament - as was the new Christian faith all the way through the New ... don't get me wrong, I don't suddenly think God was evolving, He is the same yesterday, today and forever - I'm just realising that many heroes of the faith didn't have as fuller picture as we do now ... which when type this out suddenly seems obvious! But when you grow up on the Bible (as I did) you don't necessarily see it as in disctinctive parts - you see as part of the whole... I guess it's just part of the continuing revelation that started when i twigged that Abraham didn't even have any part of the Bible (which makes the fact that By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going, Hebrews 11:8, even more amazing!), not even the 10 commandments - obvious and yet not often said!

All very challenging - especially when the tutors point out the differences between different accounts of the same event and difficulties in dating (they do explain how it could still be true!)... it's not rocking my faith, but deepening it - understanding the ways and whys of how the Bible was written down. God is merciful thankfully!

...right my brain hurts and I've still to make a decent start on my essay! ...Not got a handle on managing workload yet... there's also plenty of other things I need to attend to at the same time... !?

bleugh... not feeling very well - any prayers for my health would be great - I haven't even started any of my work so it makes me a bit nervous that I don't have the wherewithal to start yet... generally feeling a bit jittery and want to get stuck in... need to trust God more methinks!

well hello from oxford... :) firstly I should say I'm really enjoying being here and have had a great week meeting some amazing people and beginning to get my head around what I'm doing here!

For the last two days, after all the practical stuff has been dealt with, we've been having an intro week to help us this about the future beyond Wycliffe for ourselves and for the church at large ... and it has been great.

The staff here are so wise and really humble; they've obviously reflected deeply on what we need to be prepared for, especially the stuff that might not even occur to us -
#how our future beyond Wycliffe needs to be thought about now because what we're aiming for needs to affect how and what we study,
#how our character issues need to be engaged with, to make sure we develop heart and imagination as well as head as we study here
#and most of all how we need to think of ourselves as missionaries and not as chaplains to Christendom!
So encouraging to see how all that I've been taking on board at St Thom's is not isolated thinking - I guess I've become more St Thom's-centric than I realised!!

Went to 3 churches this afternoon - huge crumbling Anglo-catholic pile with some life but no teenagers or twenties/thirties; odd Ecumenical (5 denominations one congregation!) racially mixed inner city church; and Comfortable evangelical slightly charismatic anglican - all in their own way sobering wake up calls to where the church is at ... at the moment i could not imagine myself in any of them!! too little room for maneouvre... and as hard as i try i'm not a gung ho visionary who could bounce in shake it up and still be sane!

sorry for huge post only just got properly set up with broadband uni connection yesterday... Lord help me if i ever end up without quick internet connection!!

Laters;)

as promised rough image of new (red - you can see it if you look hard!) hair (many many thanks again to Mr Neill Birchenall:)

tee hee just found this just to make sure I don't take the revelations of my Myers-Briggs personality test too seriously (I'm ENFJ it seems 'the teacher' for those of you who know what that means!)

all kinds of excitement to report... firstly I now have red hair (dark with bright red streaks!!) which has turned out just how I wanted it ... just wondering why I didn't do this earlier:) hope to put a picture up later for the benefit of those not in Sheffield..

secondly had a lovely time on Sunday - yummy Sunday lunch and nice walk (although I wouldn't repeat the experience of walking straight after lunch = legs of lead!!) and in answer to my prayers - gorgeous weather ... very windy but I do like that - makes me all bouncy!! some of my ex colleagues came along, as did my old next door neighbours (I am really going to miss them) as well as lots of lovely St Thom's people ... so nice to see everyone mix in well and spiritual stuff not go off the agenda:)

Also enjoyed Order of Mission training - had a few revelations and helped me to think further about how my ordination training is gonna fit in with that :)

God is good!

I go tomorrow - very exciting:)

some things finally clicked into place yesterday as to why i've been a little bit ambiguous about going off to vicar factory:

a) i've always worked under the 'comfortable' illusion that what i do is not significant, that i can weave through life without impacting on anybody or anything = no cast iron commitments (i can always get out of stuff 'cos it/i don't matter) & no recognition of any unavoidable long term consequences (obviously tosh when you think about it, but lovely irresponsible worldview to work under) ... going to vicar factory means that i can no longer live under that illusion - it is undeniable that whatever i do and however 'far' i get now, it will impact both me and others permanently ... no wonder i've been feeling a bit jittery, not used to acknowledging those kind of facts!

b) that with big stuff i often worry about the 'what ifs' before they even have the possibility of happening i.e. i get ahead of myself and start worrying about 'what if i change my mind & decide this is not the right thing to do then I'll let us all down' ... when there is currently no thought in my mind that suggests that this will be the case!!

Honestly I do make life complicated for myself... I think I'm hard work sometimes!
Still having realised these things I feel much more released to get excited about going to Wycliffe and in fact I'm getting slightly impatient to go ... as well wondering how I'm gonna cope with out the People and the Peaks of Sheffield!

On that note I'm really looking forward to my leaving lunch and walk from Hathersage on Sunday ... just hoping that the weather returns to the niceness of earlier in the week!

wobble, wobble ... ordination who'd do it?! tiredness, back pain from hard beds and general dislocation are resulting in little 'what on earth is this all about?!' moments, but then I think about going and I'm really peaceful and getting more excited now too! It's only when I fix on me and the theoretical (sp.?) ramifications of doing this I get scared ... when I think about getting on with the day to day things and remember that God's in charge it's fine ... hoorah!
time seems to be going fast and slow at the moment ... fast when I realise how little reading I've done in preparation ('tho I've done some!), slow when I think about how long ago it seems that I was at work and not living in this wierd limbo land... ho hum I think it'll speed up generally now there's only a week to go before departure!
waffle, waffle!!

Now I know I can get free access to the internet again it's gonna be hard to keep me away ... amazing the subtle influence of you 'computer geeky' types, I seem to be one my way to becoming one of you ... although i was truly impressed with how little I understand about hardware when Neill took me through the different specs of laptops, printers etc yesterday.. I think that's a good thing, the more you know the more you have to do yourself!!

I'm really getting into the swing of being the mistress of my own time - amazing how much there is to do.. but lovely how you can pace yourself with breaks in bookshop cafes and window shopping (I used to hate window shopping, what's become of me?!) It means that I'm starting to become much less defined by what I do, but by who I am in God which has to be a good thing.. much more to learn on this one.. still not great at spending time with the big G just in my room - it seems that I have to be sitting on a hillside to do quality time with God by myself, otherwise I have to rely on being with other people... I have a feeling this is gonna be a lifelong journey of discovery!

Should give thanks that Wycliffe have finally managed to say where I'm living - if you want the details email me and I'll let you know ... I'm thinking it might not be a good idea to put them all up on the web?!

For those of you in Sheffield please keep Sunday 21st lunchtime and afternoon free - I'm planning a goodbye pub lunch and proper walk from Hathersage ... details in an email will follow soon!

ooo really not been blogging regularly for awhile have I? still my lovely (ex) colleagues pointed out the wonder of free internet access at the Library - hoorah!
talking of my ex colleagues I had an amazing leaving do on Friday - and was presented with a huge bag of biblical/church themed presents ... too many to recount but it included everything from wine to water to 'fishnet' stockings and other tenuous links - I'm still overwhelmed by how much time and effort went into putting it together - I feel almost overappreciated - praise God for the way he works through us :)

had a great weekend spending time with lovely people doing nice things like having coffee, shopping, sitting in fields etc etc - mmm lovely!

God is really having to pull me close at the moment 'cos I keep succumbing to 'little' doubts and fears ... a combination of vulnerability of being inbetween things and subtle attack I think - praise Him for those you can ask to come alongside you and cover you with prayer!

also should give thanks for Mr. Neill Birchenall who has just taken quite some time to take me through the ins and outs of laptops for uni ... just need to make a decision on which one to buy! (praise God for the timely funds to be able to do this!)

at work for my last day (may not blog for some time after this depending on internet access out of work!) ... went home early yesterday feeling ill & wobbly... still feeling wobbly but I thought I'd make the effort and come in to round things off and tidy up...

it struck me the other day how I don't have any personal stuff (pictures and the like) I have on my desk at work - symbolic of how little I really open up about the rest of my life to my work colleagues perhaps? it's like the leaver's ball at University - I suddenly realised that all the people I could have a decent conversation with were Christians and I hadn't invested any time in making decent friendships with people who weren't yet Christians... bit of a trust problem methinks (rooted in ooo you're a Christian type bullying at school I think) ho-hum at least I've got some good friends in my next door neighbours Alex and Katell :) and I think I will keep in contact with people here, so room for having deeper frienships still... wonder when I'm gonna go through an 'evangelist' phase?! maybe being at theological college will send me screaming into the arms of lots of non-Christian friends!! (i love you church really;)

well hello cyberspace... sorry for week long unexplained absence... been in hospital!!

basically went to the GP with unexplained and pretty painful stomach-ache and she sent me off to the Hallamshire with a possible case of appendicitis, where I stayed for 3 nights - first 2 days on a drip and 'nil by mouth' which was a joy especially combined with lots of poking and prodding and blood tests and xrays and ultrasounds from a stream of different doctors and watching students!! glad to say that in those circumstances i give up any sense of embarrasment - too much energy! and on Saturday they sent me home with some painkillers (was feeling a lot better by then) and no real explanation as to what I've had... i personally suspect it's what they call a 'grumbling' appendix ... i.e. they'll probably have to whip it out at some point in the future 'cos it's not happy, however i'm not in any immediate danger right now - thankfullly

I'm finishing my job on Friday, and then moving into the commune at the weekend for 3 and half weeks before removing to Oxford.. quite looking forward to that - just hangin' out with anybody who's up for lunch/coffee/cake (hint, hint!), reading in preparation for my studies and getting a taste of life in the commune (for those of you who don't know it's just 7 people from St Thom's who share a house and try to live as a community, at least to the extent of sharing meals and having a shared bank account for bills etc)

right now however, am slogging through my first day back at work, trying to reassure my boss that all is well and that the place isn't going to fall apart when I leave!! also wondering when i leave how quickly i'll need to adapt to being somewhat poorer ... p'raps it won't feel that much different as when I'm down in Oxford i won't have to worry about rent, or food (during term time) and i won't have to buy too many more smart clothes (hoorah) .. I hope I've learnt to be much more relaxed about money and to be more generous in the last 3 years whether or not I've had money... hmmm

still somewhat underemployed at work ... however boredom is pushing to think of all the things I could possibly do to make my colleagues lives easier when I'm gone (telling them what I've done and what still needs to be done etc.) so I'm feeling quite virtuous!!

something I've been thinking about recently is that anything I find difficult to do or engage with ... it tends to be that 'difficult' = 'to be avoided at all possible costs 'cos it's 'bad', uncomfortable, puts me out!!' And whilst I have no intention of swinging to the opposite extreme of it's difficult/I don't want to do it = God's will ... I've been reading quite a lot recently about Christians who've been persecuted and not denied Jesus, who've given thanks for their difficult circumstances 'cos it has brought God glory.... I have problems fasting from even one meal, nevermind always speaking the truth in love, talking to people about Jesus no matter what that means about what they think of me, being 'Jesus' to people when I'm tired/ feeling poor/ in a hurry!!
... although I sign up to the intellectual fact that the Bible clearly teaches that as Christians we should expect to have a hard time from the world, the flesh and the devil, my actions don't reflect that, I look for the easy time, the comfortable place... even though it's not always the happiest place! how much of a paradox is that?! - the basic problem is lack of faith in God's unfailing immovable love for me and those I come into contact with... when we get a bit more of that it gives room for both the difficulties and the blessings... bring it on Lord!

I am finally doing the filing!! still, looking forward to lunch with Miss Valerie Austen - what an amazing women she is funny, thoughtful and beautiful but mostly she is wholehearted in wanting to live righteously in God's eyes - unashamed to ask people to pray with her for herself and others, always seeking to understand more of God's promises and to spend more time with Him despite and because of the stuff she struggles with ... and she really encourages me too:) hooray!

grrr gossiping colleagues do my head in!! how do you discourage gossip without being rude?! trying to counter with positive side/balance view, 'you need to say this, to them (i.e. the person they are moaning about)' statements ... I think I need to learn the 'gently challenging' mode next as they aren't getting the hint!! bless them too Lord, sort out the source of their discontentment!

What is more I think I'm reaching the 'I'm so bored I might do some filing' mode ... Oh the joy of work in August!! (but no more work after that, I finish on 29th August - hip, hip hoorah!!) Looking forward to hanging out with friends in Sheffield in September during the week days, and getting all the last bits and pieces I'll need... I've just discovered that I am gonna be matriculated into the University of Oxford - have to get the 'commoner's' gown and mortar board for the matriculation ceremony and to wear to all my exams!! I never imagined that I'd be part of that kind of world - kind of fun, kind of wierd!! (I also have to get a cassock and surplice (eek/eurgh) at some point - which, oddly, I hadn't thought about at all... it's starting to feel like I'm off to Hogwarts!!)

Also beginning to get my head round the idea of being a student i.e. having to study and do exams and essays again ... I think I'm looking forward to it! I have plenty of books to read beforehand (including specific bits of the Bible) Plus, at some point, I'll be going on preaching practice (which I guess you should expect but they spend so much time focusing on the academic stuff you kind of forget that the practical side is the most important!).. still wondering how I will get the chance to put my leadership skills into practice, so some more of the rough edges get knocked off... I'm sure God has it in hand, as with everything else! He's certainly given me a great 'student buddy' who is assigned to you (by Wycliffe Hall) to answer your questions and generally look after you beforehand and at the beginning of term - she's called Sarah Hobbs and she's already given loads of great advice/hints/tips/offers of practical help!

"For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them." Ephesians 2:10 - Bible Gateway's verse for the day - I find this really encouraging and a spur (along with the parable of the talents) to use the gifts, skills, experience and opportunities that God has given me to their fullest ... not to 'do' humility in a false-pretend-I'm-rubbish-at-everything way but to have the humility to be used by God, knowing it's all His anyhow, even if it means that you have to deal with the pitfalls of pride that come your way because God is using you... just read a great book, The Heavenly Man, which made me think about this even more, although it's not the main subject of the book by any means (which is about the life of totally amazing Chinese pastor... very humbling and challenging)... although God's been teaching me about this for sometime, I'm still not totally comfortable with owning and using my gifts with out feeling the need to apologise!

just had a fabulous time in Prague - I know I'm not the first to say this, but, if you get the chance you must go!! Historical, beautiful, relaxed and yet full of vitality - it's hard to imagine that it was ever in a communist country...

It was the first family holiday for several years - so had a great time catching up with them, especially since soon we will be doing majorly 'different' things all over the world - my brother David is returning to southern Sudan to coordinate Medair's Emergency Relief Work there, my parents, now they are retired are looking at going abroad for a couple of years to work in mission - probably for Interserve, maybe in Pakistan... I hope this will be a redemption of the hard time I had there!! And then me of course off to train for ordination in Oxford.. exciting times for the Hill family!

'transformation comes from revelation not information' ... definitely one to ponder more! On that score I would definitely like to see some revelation on how to trust God and stop fretting about things... it really takes up too much of my thinking time (I spend a lot of time thinking too!)

ooo TOTALLY forgot to say 'Whale Rider' go and see it, it's great! quite emotional - wasn't quite expecting that, but a beautiful, 'real' fairy tale, uplifting! (the website's good too)

just want to give thanks for lots of things - I think I've been dwelling too much on the stuff God's taking me through and I feel very challenged to remember to really celebrate all the goodness coming my way my heavenly Father! So much thanks for a beautiful sunny weekend, being able to get all the things done on my 'to do' list from cleaning to buying some new CD's (@ Record Collector) of which the one I really like is The Coral thought I'd break out of the mean streak I have of never buying any music, before I have no money!! Also had a really good chat to my Aunty Janet and then my friend Bryony on Friday neither of whom I've talked to in a long time and I watched 'Castaway' on video which was OK ... not sure I really 'got' it! On Saturday I cooked a truly yummy meal for Alex and Katell (my lovely next door neighbours) and on Sunday I did some gardening and went to Andrew Pickering's birthday garden party .. forgotten just how much I like Pimms!!

So those are just the 'extras' to give thanks for never mind all the stuff I take for granted! 'You are good, and what You do is good' Psalm 119:68

oh dear, very very bored at work - makes me very very tired!! haven't quite got so bored that I've started the filing yet... but it's not far off... still more time to pray for colleagues I guess ... I would really like to be given the time and the place to talk to them about Jesus before I leave. I've had plenty of opportunity to talk about my faith, it's just doesn't come naturally to me to talk to them about them and God .... I'm sure He's got it in hand, I just need to be 'awake' when the opportunities come my way!

Thinking about this, brings me back to what feels like a great weakness in my development as a Christian - I'm too good at keeping Him to myself - I don't seem to care about other people enough or even excited about God enough, to talk to people about why my life is the way it is, and why I've made and am making the choices I do. Why is this? Does this mean I've never really met God in such a way as to change my worldview? 'Cos I think I am very deeply affected by the current liberal worldview of 'what I believe is my business and not to be imposed on anyone' in fact it's almost a little eccentricity to be apologised for!! I am pretty sure this is not how Jesus would behave!! and in fact I think many people really appreciate unapologetic authenticity (not the same as arrogance). I'm still advocating witness that is grace-full and gentle (Colossians 4:5,6 & 1 Peter 3:14-16)

But how do I (and I guess actually I'm not the only one who struggles with this) get past it i.e. 'be transformed by the renewing of your minds' ... I suppose the obvious answer is to get more intimate with Jesus - for Him to be the one who defines our reality - what is worth it and what isn't ... but why doesn't that happen more? are we so enslaved by 'busyness' and a Western liberal worldview that we are blinded to how much we need there is to let go of? I know that God is not bound by it... COME ON LORD I want to see more of you and less of me!! I have a feeling I need to 'waste' a lot more time in prayer! Been reading Mike Pilavachi's book 'Wasteland' recently and he has some good stuff to say about this (in a really accessible way)... more food for thought!

well God's very busy in my life right now - I guess I shouldn't be surprised, it's a good opportunity to take advantage of all the ups and downs I'm going through and work through some of the basic insecurities that have been with me a long time - OUCH and HOORAY!! However I can't work out whether I should get some counselling, or whether God's happy to carry on working on me, as and when, (I'm not too sure that talking about myself helps very much... revelation please Lord!). It surprises me how easily I forget that there is always more stuff God wants to sort out...

On slightly less deep, but nonethless pleasing, note I had a pretty successful shopping trip to Meadowhall on Saturday (miracles DO happen!!) and also did a whole bunch of cleaning and organising on Sunday - I'd forgotten how much I can get done sometimes - really great to get stuff straight...

presently I am pondering some of the downsides of my perfectionist streak (high/unrealistic/even inappropriate expectations of myself and eventually of others I am in relationship with ... hmmm) in some ways, it has occured to me, a funny thing to have downsides to - 'Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.' (Matthew 5:48) - it's a command of Jesus

... but what does that mean? what does that look like? what should our motives look like? 'cos obviously we cannot be perfect: 'If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.' (1 John 1:8). I guess that partially covers why human perfectionism has a downside - you can't strain out the sin on your own...

but still there's the call to be perfect to be dealt with - you could deal with it by saying that what Jesus did on the cross makes us perfect, his grace received by us in faith makes us perfect in God's eyes ... perhaps the key word is 'be' not 'make yourself' ... we are just to 'be' - as God 'is' - he is perfect because of who he is, not what he does (although that flows out of it) I think that's where I go wrong a lot - I look at the outward stuff, I don't get my heart right with God about what I'm doing and why I'm doing it (where it flows out of) ... if we can 'be' who God has made us - His children, clothed in the righteousness that Jesus bought - then the more we 'are' that, the more we know it - we can 'be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is 'his good, pleasing and perfect will.' (Romans 12:2)

I guess that's what I find the most difficult about following God and the perfection he asks of us - we can't pin it down and say it must look like this. Obviously there's some basic boundaries God wants us to live within, but he's not just interested in the boundaries, he's interested in what goes on within them - that's part of what Jesus was saying to the Pharisees when he said that 'on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness.' (Matthew 23:28) 'God looks at the heart'...

btw praise the Lord for Bible Gateway - makes it so easy to find those verses you know are in there somewhere!

Went to see a preview of Goodbye Lenin a German film, with the lovely Kate Pickering last night - very good in an independent film kind of way - but not obscure, just sweet, funny, nostalgic and sad... I recommend it highly. I'm afraid the only website I could find dedicated to it was in German... but you can find the BBC review of it here just to give you a flavour...
Praise the Lord for friends who expand your worldview!

Had a great time at Han Stoney's birthday sunset gathering thing last night - I sat on my old insecuity thing - and just enjoyed myself, despite being really tired, THANK YOU LORD!!:)

Also want give thanks, again, for the Lord, and his provision through his people (my friends/brothers & sisters! ;)) - it looks like I'm gonna stay at the commune :) for the 3 1/2 weeks between leaving my house and going to Wycliffe, and that I've got some help to get me and my stuff to Oxford when I do leave - thank you so much Jesus!

Dave Cates, I don't really know you but your words are very wise and challenging!

(you may have guessed I am at work and a little bored... blogging novelty a long way from wearing off!)

having fun learning how to do my own blog... (all my own guess work so far ... including the links etc!)... anyhow... first time I did it I came out Psalms ... but this is the more consistent result... good or bad? I'm not sure!


You are Proverbs.


Which book of the Bible are you?
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'If you are a man' ... pah!

so, anyhow

on friday was at the commune filling in my Order of Mission form (finally!) doing the type-up computery bits, before I started I had wee chat with the girls who were there for tea, including the lovely Abigail about blogging and how different it is having your own blog, rather than posting on thethingaboutit - 'cos that's for several specific purposes ... thanksgiving, prayer requests, notices etc.

whereas here ... what should I waffle about? Well (and I'm just extravert-processing through this) I'm thinking I'll talk a bit about my relationship with God, have a dash of introspection (always helpful to me to get it OUT of my head!!) and interesting stuff I've found/ am studying (when I get to Wycliffe) - along the lines of the Ruth Dellar and Marshall model of blogging.
I'm hoping I can weave that into my day/week without it becoming a burden!

Anyway Home cluster and friends had a lovely one-night-only camping trip to Edale - the weather was amazing, the scenery breathtaking, the Birchenalls did a fab job of organising everybody without it feeling like we were in the army and the company was encouraging/amusing/foolish...

so why couldn't I feel the awesomeness of it all? (I did enjoy it, but felt a bit 'disconnected') I had a bit of a chat to God about it and I think it was a mixture of overfamiliarity with the lovely Edale (moving to Oxford will cure that I think ... a strange 'plus'!), tiredness (never cope with that very well) and stilll being haunted by feelings of insecurity ... grr! I realised a month or two ago that insecurity has been part of my life for so long, that it's almost become part of my identity (i.e. I expect to feel 'on the outside' a lot of the time)... I think the fact that God has shown me that, means that he's dealing with it too, but it is annoying - 'cos I know that I'm a child of God, valuable, etc. in my head, but I don't feel it/even remember it a great deal of the time! C'MON LORD!

Hello, hello!

Since I keep waffling on on thethingaboutit.com I thought it was about time I had my own blog - 'specially since I'm gonna be a student for the next 3 years (Lord help me!). I also thought that since I'm gonna be starting somewhere new, it would be a good way for friends to check out what I'm up to/ if I've lost it yet etc. etc!

Anyhow best go and do some work, since Sheffield First Partnership are gonna still be employing me for the next 2 months!

I warn you techies now, I may well need help in getting this set up 'properly'!!

love

Naomi