some things finally clicked into place yesterday as to why i've been a little bit ambiguous about going off to vicar factory:

a) i've always worked under the 'comfortable' illusion that what i do is not significant, that i can weave through life without impacting on anybody or anything = no cast iron commitments (i can always get out of stuff 'cos it/i don't matter) & no recognition of any unavoidable long term consequences (obviously tosh when you think about it, but lovely irresponsible worldview to work under) ... going to vicar factory means that i can no longer live under that illusion - it is undeniable that whatever i do and however 'far' i get now, it will impact both me and others permanently ... no wonder i've been feeling a bit jittery, not used to acknowledging those kind of facts!

b) that with big stuff i often worry about the 'what ifs' before they even have the possibility of happening i.e. i get ahead of myself and start worrying about 'what if i change my mind & decide this is not the right thing to do then I'll let us all down' ... when there is currently no thought in my mind that suggests that this will be the case!!

Honestly I do make life complicated for myself... I think I'm hard work sometimes!
Still having realised these things I feel much more released to get excited about going to Wycliffe and in fact I'm getting slightly impatient to go ... as well wondering how I'm gonna cope with out the People and the Peaks of Sheffield!

On that note I'm really looking forward to my leaving lunch and walk from Hathersage on Sunday ... just hoping that the weather returns to the niceness of earlier in the week!