You know, I can never believe that I'm 29, or even that I come over that way (people often tell me that they think I'm several years younger - should that be a compliment?). I think the thing is that I had expected to have made a few more decisions about who I am by now... somehow I get the message loud and clear from culture that this last decade of my life should have been the 'high point' of what makes me, me. It should have been what I'd been building up to for the previous 19 years and what I'll spend the rest of my life trying to recapture.
And yet it sure doesn't feel that way, I hardly feel like I've got started. I've bummed around in different places, doing lots of different jobs, getting little insights into different worlds and professions from doing stuff on the edges of them. But I don't think I've really got hold of the main stuff I think I could be good at, the music I really like, nor indeed the relationships that I'd like to carry with me for the rest of my life. Without any conscious need or intention to do so, I haven't lived in the same place for more than 3 years since I left home to go to University. Which has lots of consequence, including the ones I've just described.
Perhaps I'm not alone in my generation, still waiting to grow up and take responsibility... or perhaps I don't appreciate what I have done, been part of, learnt already, since 'it's only me', not easy to see as extraordinary... it's also interesting to see how much I've talked about me how the pressure is on to find an individual identity, rather than finding myself as part of something bigger. hmmm, enough already!
partially provoked by seeing The Motorcycle Diaries, getting a new haircut and having a tricky conversation with a friend yesterday... ;)
7 comments:
Well you did need a haircut.
I think you're fab, and growing so much that you needn't worry about all that stuff. I just turned 30 and I feel about 21 still - the little boy inside never goes away, but the legs can't quite run like they used to.
thanks Nick - you're a great mate:) I really appreciate you taking the time to comment...
Maybe it's not so much worrying, as realising and accepting that I need to/am doing, who knows! ;)
hey Naomi Hill, First of all just wanted to comment on the way you write..you are so articulate. I think you are cool and u have achieved a lot. You are also being changed and transformed in to the woman that God created you to be. So you probably just have to keep listening to him and stepping out in to taking more responsibility and taking risks in making new relationships and new things in life..dont be scared..you are WICKED. love val de riex
thanks missis :)
don't know if this'll make sense or is relevent to this, but i recently read something saying that the opposite of being self-concious is being self-unconcious - opposite to being self aware is being self- unaware. like adam and eve in the garden. i turned 29 yesterday (hippo birdies to me!) and feel like i understand myself less every day - maybe that's the idea! but i do feel more myself when i'm just being and doing than when i'm thinking! the suggestion was when we feel like we're out of our depth etc and worried about ourselves, focussing on God is the answer, not trying to figure ourselves out!!! my thoughts on this aren't entirely tested - can you tell!!! love you bird!!!
thanks lovely lady ... in many ways i think you're right, tho' i think it also helps to know something about who God's made you to be so you don't just follow the crowd (even if they are a Christian crowd!) without making the connections for yourself. I'm not sure that's clear but it's the best i can manage right now!
Hey naomi hill. My voice is bad bad so I cant work so I am writing things on peoples blogs and then I will watch a film. Hey woman I hope you are cool and that you are having lots of times of joy in your life. Lastly I hope that one day u will be a wife (wrote that cos it rhymes with 'life' but also because I do hope that for u). Love valx
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