Flickr photos...

I'm hoping following the link will take you to my Spain photies... please excuse the fact they are called 'Christmas...' I did the set up wrong when I got given the camera at, you guessed it, Christmas!

Enjoy!

on-line, plugged in, rev'd up!

hello to all my fans out there, you'll be pleased to know that I am now plugged into broadband again... even though the rest of my life is not yet sorted... (desk and dining room table & chairs proving especially elusive - either in bits (desk) or on order (table and chairs).

anyhow despite icky health over the last few weeks, I did manage to get ordained:

and wriggled out of v hot clothing asap to show I'm still 'normal' underneath - my friends, family and godparents came to support me:)


more pictures from St Giles and Northampton will follow when the study is more sorted and i can upload them!

last post... for a while!

so, back from the hot and beautiful Spain... now packing up and tomorrow I move to Northampton!

Not sure when I'll be back on line again... no more 100MB Oxford Uni connection, and nothing to replace it set up yet...





A garden court in the Alhambra palace, Granada

saying goodbye to Oxford...

only a few more days left - Sunday was my last one at hOME, just had the leaver's quiet day, Commissioning Day tomorrow - it all seems a bit unreal... especially since I go on holiday to Spain on Sunday and then come back and leave for Northampton on Tuesday 20th June. V strange, but I take lots of good memories and more importantly, friendships with me - I'm looking forward to keeping in touch with all my class, seeing where they end up etc etc, and I'm especially looking forward to hanging out with my leaver's cell (the beautiful people in the picture) 4 times a year or so - a good crew!

Photos from my travels this weekend:

first I went to see the Bishop of Peterborough in his Palace (that's not just a technical term - it really is a palace!) - he's going to be ordaining me on 2nd July in Peterborough Cathedral, hopefully in better weather than there was on Thursday:
Then after leaving Peterborough that afternoon I went to stay with Val in her and Kiralee's beautiful house, on Friday, I off went to Alex and Katell's wedding just outside Sheffield (in it's only Michelin starred hotel, The Old Vicarage) where there was lots and lots of yummy food!

Then on Saturday, after a pub lunch with Ruth Deller, Andy and Gill Weir, Val, and Rachel Hall we walked round the Damflask Resevoir, stopping at Low Bradfield to buy ice cream and watch a bit of the village cricket! The sky was so blue and the temperature so perfect that it was hard to believe we were still in England...















On Sunday I went down to Northampton, went to church and then met up with Emma to look at our new house with David the vicar to see what needs doing to it before we move in two weeks tomorrow!! I forgot to take photos at that point such was the excitement... next time perhaps!

Rather tired now...

a marathon, not a sprint?

well, tonight's service at hOME was really helpful for me in many ways - firstly in the worship, which I entered very aware of my own weakness (I really disappointed myself today - nothing major, but not something I could pretend was OK either!) and God's love and grace, and my need for them, became very evident to me... again, which was truly, deeply lovely.

secondly as Kyle was talking about John 15:9-17, it struck me that I have always thought that my Christian life is about progress and that I will get better at it. But being a Christian is fundamentally about a relationship with God, not a skill set. Relationships, like the vine and its branches, not only grow, but they also get pruned - and as they go on get more difficult and costly not less, because they bring up in you not only the nice stuff that you set out at the beginning, but if they are to be real there will also be hard times and hard things to face - which isn't progress so much as depth. That is so releasing, that as a Christian I will continue to learn and fail to learn, and practise and fail to practise what it entails, for my entire life - I will never be an expert who never gets things wrong...

So, resolution, leave behind 'modernist' values of 'progress' and embrace relationship with God - hooray!

the far side...

...of exams, and essays, and any more academic work at Oxford!! Hoorah!! It's a miracle - I had no idea how I was going to get everything done and it happened - Praise God!

So it's now just over a week since I did my last exam ever at Wycliffe, and while I didn't exactly give my greatest performance in exams (that may be an understatement...) and I am now learning the ropes of a whole new existence without the pressure of academic work hanging over me and also radically disconnecting with life in Oxford. It's taking a while, for example yesterday was really the first day I did nice things that I wanted to do and didn't do any admin ... it was lovely! I had coffee with Matt - we sat outside in the garden of the University Church cafe for a couple of hours, and then I had a picnic lunch with my old flatmate Tracy in the University Parks watching the cricket and then my friend Ruth, who is training to be a Baptist Minister at Regent's Park College, just down the road, picked me up for my first great shopping expedition in 6 months or so - my wardrobe really needed it ... we had a lovely road-trip to Reading, and never made it outside the Oracle where one of my favourite chains, Kew, has a nice big store... but with Ruth's help I did pretty well! Then after a meal together we headed back to Oxford and I rounded the day off by watching The Incredibles on DVD with my current flatmate, Kate! hooray!

and of course the rest of the time I have been busy making lists of things I need for the new house, co-ordinating my move, and looking forward to the Leaver's programme (which starts next week) and also my week's walking holiday in Spain when I finish here and before I go to Northampton!

So lot's of positives which I want to make the most of, but it must be said that emotionally and spiritually it is a funny time with lots of ups and downs and general disorientation...

accidie?

'A state of lethargy attested by monks, especially hermits, engaged in intense spiritual warfare. The word derives from the Greek akedia, which means weariness... the concept is little understood today and does not figure in most manuals of Christian spirituality. Accidie was defined by Nilus of Ancyra (died c.430 AD) as a weariness of the soul, rendering it incapable of having spiritual interests and unable to resist temptations (De octo spiritbus malitae 13).
Its earliest exponent was Evagrius of Pontus (346-99 AD) who contrasted it with 'patience' and linked it to the concept of the midday plague or 'demon' (Psalm 91:6) because its pressure was most keenly felt in the midday heat. Accidie would tempt the monk to abandon his devotions, and sometimes even his calling itself... The main cure for accidie are given as hard labour, constant prayer and contemplation of the nearness of death.'

GL Bray in Atkinson, DJ(ed), New Dictionary of Christian Ethics and Pastoral Theology (Leicester: 1995, IVP)

so that's what I've got eh? I certainly feel like a hermit since I spend a great deal of my days alone with the books, wondering whether it's all worth it... and in the face of yesterday's subject - abortion - it has been particularly challenging for me to keep it together, as the idea of children being done away with is very hard to contemplate, and yet sometimes there are some really difficult calls... it really is a deal living in this broken world.

anyhow it's good to know that my spiritual lethargy is an ancient phenomenon , in these last few weeks of academic study the 'midday heat' of work pressures certainly seem to be taking their toll - so a bit of hard labour needs to be fitted in perhaps? any workable suggestions?! ... I'm not sure how one contemplates the nearness of death having been brought up in a death-phobic society!

signs of the future...

So, I went to the clerical outfitters on Friday to be measured up, thought y'all might want to see the tentative results (as in, these aren't my robes, but I'll have something like them when they're made!)... scary or what?! I think you can tell from my uncomfortable stance I'm very glad I'll only be wearing these once a week at a traditional mid-week service!


And although you can't see very much of the church I thought you might also want to see a few photos of me with my lovely friend Rob and Steph Sturdy who are off back to the States in the summer, so they came with me to visit St Giles when I last went a few weeks ago... stupidly I didn't take any photos of the house...

people who've cheered me up this week...

... and I've certainly needed it!

I'd just like to particularly pay tribute to my friend Rob Sturdy who mixes a mean Marguerita and laughs in all the right places when we watched Pirates of the Caribbean on Wednesday - we were both feeling pretty grumpy, and helped each other out of bad place!

Also my friend's from Sheffield, and old next door neighbours, Alex and Katell rang to say that they are getting hitched in June and would I like to come? so I'm really pleased for them and very chuffed to be asked!

Tonight my friend Valerie, also from Sheffield rang to ask if she could pop in for lunch tomorrow on her way darn sarf... she's great, and writes one of my two current favourite blogs (Dan's is the other one!) ... or perhaps i should stop with the favourite blogs idea, i keep thinking of more I like and I don't want it to turn into a popularity contest... I love you all, in your own special ways!

Friends eh? they'rrrrrre great!

well done me!

have completed my last long essay draft... hopefully the tutor will say not too much needs changing!

so, now on to the four short essays (Old Testament and Ethics oh yes.) and revision... this still mainly involves working by myself, which is really beginning to drive me a little bonkers, especially 'cos my flatmates are away! Yesterday I had a proper conversation with one person - that's surely not right... (Although that one person is my future housemate and a very nice lady, which compensates somewhat;)

ho-hum, just a lull I'm sure...

counting down...

only 10, 000 words, 3 exams, and 5 weeks to go 'til the end of my academic course... then leaver's programme and i'm outta here on 9th June (for a week's holiday and then move to Northampton on 20th June...) crikey...

Twisted perceptions

As many of y'all already know, last summer my little brother married the lovely Monica Kimani in Nairobi, Kenya last summer (they had both worked for Medair in relief and capacity building work in South Sudan) ... One of the things that really struck me, when they showed a video of the wedding day back in England at their blessing, was how suddenly foreign it looked - when I was there all the African ladies from the village dancing and singing at Monica's parents' house before we set off for the church was beautiful and atmospheric, watching a recording of it, it just seemed generically African, not something I could relate to at all... I guess because I wasn't relating anymore, I was just observing...

I found being there I had to come to grips with something that I'd picked up from media and indeed charity transmitted attitudes that Africans aren't really grown ups, that they are children who need to be looked after. In reality of course they are very much grown ups and equals, but it is easier to help people who you feel you are superior to in some way isn't it?

still chewing it over!

funny peculiar or funny ha-ha?

this story in the Guardian gives Brits some pause for thought; maybe the Americans haven't completely taken over...!?

four things...

Ok, so I've succumbed to peer pressure and joined in with this crazee fad... oh yes.

FOUR JOBS I'VE HAD

1. Paper girl
2. Catering Assistant
3. 'Teacher' (of English in Pakistan - if this was graded on whether you had fulfilled expected outcomes it wouldn't count)
4. Adminstrative Assistant... in lots of interesting places

FOUR MOVIES/SHOWS I'VE BEEN ADDICTED TO:
1. Lord of the Rings...
i don't generally get addicted, and besides i don't have a telly

FOUR PLACES I'VE LIVED:
1. Woking, Surrey
2. York, Yorkshire
3. Hyderabad, Pakistan
4. Cambridge, Cambridgeshire

FOUR COUNTRIES I WOULD LIKE TO VISIT:
1. India
2. New Zealand
3. China
4. Chile

FOUR POPULAR FALSE ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT ME:
1. I'm very holy
2. I'm very serious
3. I'm easily shocked
4. I play the piano!!

FOUR PEOPLE I LOOK LIKE (according to some people):
0 - clearly too funny lookin'

FOUR THINGS (I HOPE) TO DO BEFORE I DIE:
1. Be able to sing in tune all the time
2. learn to play the piano
3. preach a great sermon
4. Become fluent in another language

PEOPLE I TAG NEXT:
1. Suzie
2. Val
3. Andrew
4. Andy

Fasting and Eating Disorders

with Lent approaching I've been thinking about what disciplines I might engage with... and I've been really challenged about fasting for some time, so I piped up in a hOME meeting that I'd like to make a commitment to fasting with other people - as I've been so rubbish at it in the past... not only woosing out, but also getting my knickers in a twist as to why I'm doing it. This provoked a really interesting conversation with another member of hOME about fasting and eating disorders - and how not to provoke the latter by engaging in the spiritual discipline of fasting - this is a discussion we've had before in the girl's discipleship group I've been part of in hOME... it's fascinating to me that very little is written about this - it's not really mentioned to my knowledge in classics about spiritual disciplines (like Celebration of Discipline or The Spirit of the Disciplines) perhaps this is because they are written by men, older men at that?
the only useful thing I found on the web was this article, which to be fair is pretty good (less spelling mistakes!;) - I especially liked his point that 'Christian fasting does not set abstinence as the goal, but rather abstains from some things in order to feast on God'...

trip to Scotland last week...

the weekend before last I had a last holiday before the final push on work (last exams first week in May... 20,000 words in essays need to be done before then)

So my friend Claire, who lives in Edinburgh hosted me and took me to the smallest distillery in Scotland and also to Dunkeld where she can be seen as near to birds as she's ever likely to get...

it rained a lot... but the countryside still peeked out looking beautiful!

belated announcement....

so most of you know about this already but I keep discovering the odd person who doesn't (I was waiting on things official to make it completely public) ... I'm going to be the curate at St Giles, Northampton when I leave Wycliffe (resting on the assumption that I will have got all my work done and haven't done anything heinous in the meantime) ... ordination is on Sunday 2nd July at Peterborough Cathedral (Northampton is in Peterborough Diocese).

how do I feel? well, truth be told the initial excitement about all the things that the job description includes (especially exploring and releasing more 'fresh expressions' of church within and/or outside St Giles) has rather been overtaken by feeling very scared that doing this job, possibly living by myself, working for the church for the rest of my life will flatten me... I don't do 'alone' very well

on the up side I really feel like I've reconnected with God in a much deeper way than I have for a long time... so I'm aware that I'm walking a tightrope over the abyss but God is holding my hand (floating alongside me in the way that God can...!!) which means I'm still scared, but know that I'm more in touch with the spiritual reality of saying 'yes' to God than when I'm smugly self assured... which is comforting?!

how we acquire a worldview...

I just came across this great quote while reading for an essay on the impact of globalization on the nature of Christian mission (really far too interesting, I don't have the time for getting interested in my subject I need to be getting on...) Anyhow here it is:

We acquire our theology consciously through proposition statements. Our worldview, however is acquired subconsciously, in small and imperceptible parts. Note, for instance, the consumerist lifestyle and dependency among conservative evangelicals in the West. Their theology is faultless, yet they practice daily surrender to a worldview that rationalizes and excuses consumption excesses. CS Lewis describes this process by placing in the mouth of Screwtape the following words:
We know that we have introduced a change of direction in his course which is already carrying him out of his orbit around the Enemy [God]; he must be made to imagine that all the choices which have effected this change of course are trivial and revocable. He must not be allowed to suspect that he is now, however slowly, heading right away from the sun on a line that will carry him into the cold and dark of utmost space.
For this reason, I am almost glad to hear that he is still a churchgoer and a communicant. I know there are dangers in this; but anything is better than that he should realise the break he has made.

more food for thought... what adjustments to our faith do we make that make us more comfortable, yet less faithful?

Owning 'the' truth...

To rehash a theme I've touched on before, I've been thinking about the road that lies before me and the responsibilities that entails, and whether I'm willing to accept them... for being a clergyperson is to in some way to be an authority, a guide, a wise one, some one to imitate - whether or not that is what you feel you can be. With this on the horizon, I continuously feel challenged by the idea that I need to commit myself, however cautiously, to what I think the truth is; which in many areas of my thinking does not come naturally - I like to 'keep an open mind' which, depending on how honest I'm being, is either because 'I know my own frailty of understanding' or because 'I don't like getting into arguments/disagreeing with people' and yet I begin to perceive that this cannot be a permanent outlook since I will say nothing, direct nothing, help no-one to move forward if this is the case...

is this just a girl thing? I was discussing this with a friend yesterday and she was saying that she thinks that boys are much happier going 'all out' for a particular position on something and take it much less personally if they need to defend that position by getting into an argument about it...

food for thought...