trip to Scotland last week...

the weekend before last I had a last holiday before the final push on work (last exams first week in May... 20,000 words in essays need to be done before then)

So my friend Claire, who lives in Edinburgh hosted me and took me to the smallest distillery in Scotland and also to Dunkeld where she can be seen as near to birds as she's ever likely to get...

it rained a lot... but the countryside still peeked out looking beautiful!

belated announcement....

so most of you know about this already but I keep discovering the odd person who doesn't (I was waiting on things official to make it completely public) ... I'm going to be the curate at St Giles, Northampton when I leave Wycliffe (resting on the assumption that I will have got all my work done and haven't done anything heinous in the meantime) ... ordination is on Sunday 2nd July at Peterborough Cathedral (Northampton is in Peterborough Diocese).

how do I feel? well, truth be told the initial excitement about all the things that the job description includes (especially exploring and releasing more 'fresh expressions' of church within and/or outside St Giles) has rather been overtaken by feeling very scared that doing this job, possibly living by myself, working for the church for the rest of my life will flatten me... I don't do 'alone' very well

on the up side I really feel like I've reconnected with God in a much deeper way than I have for a long time... so I'm aware that I'm walking a tightrope over the abyss but God is holding my hand (floating alongside me in the way that God can...!!) which means I'm still scared, but know that I'm more in touch with the spiritual reality of saying 'yes' to God than when I'm smugly self assured... which is comforting?!

how we acquire a worldview...

I just came across this great quote while reading for an essay on the impact of globalization on the nature of Christian mission (really far too interesting, I don't have the time for getting interested in my subject I need to be getting on...) Anyhow here it is:

We acquire our theology consciously through proposition statements. Our worldview, however is acquired subconsciously, in small and imperceptible parts. Note, for instance, the consumerist lifestyle and dependency among conservative evangelicals in the West. Their theology is faultless, yet they practice daily surrender to a worldview that rationalizes and excuses consumption excesses. CS Lewis describes this process by placing in the mouth of Screwtape the following words:
We know that we have introduced a change of direction in his course which is already carrying him out of his orbit around the Enemy [God]; he must be made to imagine that all the choices which have effected this change of course are trivial and revocable. He must not be allowed to suspect that he is now, however slowly, heading right away from the sun on a line that will carry him into the cold and dark of utmost space.
For this reason, I am almost glad to hear that he is still a churchgoer and a communicant. I know there are dangers in this; but anything is better than that he should realise the break he has made.

more food for thought... what adjustments to our faith do we make that make us more comfortable, yet less faithful?

Owning 'the' truth...

To rehash a theme I've touched on before, I've been thinking about the road that lies before me and the responsibilities that entails, and whether I'm willing to accept them... for being a clergyperson is to in some way to be an authority, a guide, a wise one, some one to imitate - whether or not that is what you feel you can be. With this on the horizon, I continuously feel challenged by the idea that I need to commit myself, however cautiously, to what I think the truth is; which in many areas of my thinking does not come naturally - I like to 'keep an open mind' which, depending on how honest I'm being, is either because 'I know my own frailty of understanding' or because 'I don't like getting into arguments/disagreeing with people' and yet I begin to perceive that this cannot be a permanent outlook since I will say nothing, direct nothing, help no-one to move forward if this is the case...

is this just a girl thing? I was discussing this with a friend yesterday and she was saying that she thinks that boys are much happier going 'all out' for a particular position on something and take it much less personally if they need to defend that position by getting into an argument about it...

food for thought...

New Year's Day...

walking with the hOME crew... oh yes...

first of all there's the planning...

and then there's the dancing...









and of course some walking...

A few Christmas photies

Below is my lovely Mum and Dad... looking a bit nervous as I take my first picture with their Christmas present! On the right is my brother David with his lovely new wife Monica and her sister Carol. We had a really good Christmas this year - a full house and lots and lots of laughs:)

disappointed?

every so often, in the last few months or so especially, I have been provoked to realising how little I make of the opportunities which present themselves through life's daily irritations, injustices and restrictions to become more like Jesus... I keep reading of and hearing these people (like Joni Eareckson Tada for example) who in the midst of great suffering (e.g. being imprisoned for their faith or suffering total paralysis ) actually managed to turn these into an opportunity to rely on God more ... indeed I have met people who just through living in a Bible college community have been inescapably confronted with their need to be more Christ-like because of all the incredibly irritating things that this lifestyle means you have to deal with (not least the other students and the living conditions).

... and yet, when I am aware of difficulties in my life (especially when I think my peers are getting a better deal) my first reaction is to draw attention to how hard done by I am - either through straight out moaning, or by making sarky comments or jokes at my 'oppressors' expense... I'm gutted I haven't allowed God to make more of the opportunity at Wycliffe to turn those things into challenges, and hurdles to jump over, to become fitter in my spiritual life and give thanks for that... and now I've realised this, I'm not sure what to do engage with it, either for myself or how to encourage my fellow students to do this with me...

any wisdom?

On the trials of being a grown-up...

y'know most of the time I really appreciate the benefits of being an adult - you get to decide what you do and when, you are able to help others, use your discernment etc. In fact I was thinking the other day about how much our culture promotes the idea that childish behaviour (like getting your own way, living a self-centred life) is a value to uphold and yet completely fail to be child-like in the way Jesus recommended it (asking questions and expecting trustworthy answers, humility, willingness to love)

however there are days I think I am too good at this, the emotional effort at 'holding it all together' becomes a real burden and that people have no idea that I sometimes (how will they know when?!) long for somebody to take the decisions for/look after me - and this especially applies to holidays for me - I know they are vital, but I actually find them quite stressful - who should I ask? Will they want to go? Where can we find, that we all want to go to, and can afford? Do we have time free at the same time? And after all that gets sorted we MUST have a 'good' time and we MUST come back relaxed and refreshed!!! ... no pressure then

... and so I sometimes long for the time when those decisions were made for me, and all I had to do was sit in the backseat of the car and refrain from arguing with my brother and we would arrive at some lovely location ready for exploration, new food, fun and sandcastles on the beach! Ho-hum!

sigh...

v tired... not much nearer finding a placement... but me and my sermon on the Transfiguration survived sermon class on Monday and the chapel service I lead this morning went well... God turned up, which was nice...

this year's weekly placement

Tomorrow I go to Begbroke Priory (I've only just found their website) for my weekly placement, this will be my fourth visit... and so far it's mainly consisted of chatting to Sister Anne Verena (about prayer, the religious life, ministry, future jobs etc), who is brilliant - she's really down to earth and has a finely tuned sense of the ridiculous! I've also been to a couple of their daily services (I think they have 4 a day).

I'm hoping the bus (only a 15 minute trip) will get me there in time for their daily Eucharist - tomorrow it's All Soul's Day, so it's 'All Soul's Mass' should be pretty interesting... not sure if we'll be praying for the dead or not!

some thoughts of a theology student...

so it's been a while hey? with regards to the post below ... well the essays got handed in (it's amazing how much a fixed deadline concentrates the mind!) however I didn't make it to Scotland or to the baptism of friend's child because of them. Which I was pretty gutted about... and it also meant that I started this Michealmas term exhausted! Since then I've turned down a job offer from a parish in Sheffield, and am in limbo-land where doubts assail me as I wait to hear what they might offer me next...

Meanwhile, those thoughts of a theology student - the first with more of an emphasis on the theology, the second with more of an emphasis on the student... who more than once happened to find herself staring out at the tourists who circle the Radliffe Camera (part of the Bodleian Library) over the past few months.

So, firstly I think I'm having a reaction against all this 'trendy' new theology and appreciating much more the traditional emphases of evangelical theology (for those not of a Christian persuasion you might want to skip this tedious shop-talk and go to the next paragraph... or, you might not, I don't know!). I think I'm getting fed up with 'trendiness' in general and perhaps showing my great age. Anyhow there's lots of rethinking going on in emerging church circles some of which I find really helpful fresh perspectives on what have become stale cliches, which have become a bit incomprehensible in a postmodern world (mission for instance). But in some cases it feels to me more like looking for new ways of doing things for the sake of it, a loss of confidence in the gospel (so other religions are seen as a source of inspiration, not a form of deception) and the power of the Spirit, an obsession with style over content to please ourselves and the intellectual in-crowd that we respect, with no real reference as to whether this glorifies ourselves or God more ... and an attitude that actually seems to communicate very little grace for those who don't 'get' it - including the very people who the gospel is supposed to be for - the outcasts, the uncool, the disabled, the poor (which every time God catches my attention I am reminded that I am part of... my spiritual poverty is embarrasing). We will 'do' things for 'them' that don't cost us too much (I'm especially talking about myself here) i.e. give money, write letters, but I don't see space for those we perceive to be these things to go and ask them to become friends with us, to be part of our communities, for the Spirit to give us the grace to be changed and challenged by their presence in our midst day to day...

As to the thoughts formed while staring out the windows of the Rad Cam... I've been wondering ... why do we go on holiday? is it to take photos? to take it home with us? do we have any idea of how to just enjoy and drink in the moment for its own sake? (I'm not sure I do) what are we looking for when we visit historical cities like Oxford? a connection with the past? an escape from our own lives? why is this a holiday? what is a holiday? is it a rest (my primary thought), or a trophy, or an opportunity to change? or something else?

hrrmph...

I feel now is definitely the best time to update my blog, as I have had a rubbish day and am resenting my monthly affliction of pain, and flipping drugs that are supposed to help but have made me feel drowsy and disoriented (hence rubbish day with none of my urgent and 'important' work done)... to be fair isn't half as bad as many people have to endure, but I like to indulge in some therapeutic moaning (apparently typical English social bonding behaviour) anyhow!

well having got that off my chest, I guess I'd better say a little bit about where I've been and what I've been up to... so in the style of Dan Cooper (an old acquaintance from Sheff and definitely one of the best blogs I read at the moment) some bullet points:

• been to Kenya for brother's wedding, which was fun... mix of Kikuyu and English tradition - the English supplied the dress and the weather (flipping cold!) , the Kikuyu's the dancing, the singing and the hospitality
  
• also went to the coast and stayed in a resort on the lovely Diyani Beach (blue blue ocean and white white sand)... although always a little ambigous about the delights of resort holidays, even more so in a '3rd world' country... 4 days was definitely enough for me
  
• since then have been working me socks off trying to get essays done for September 26th... it's going very, very slowly and I seem to be really, really panicking
• weather has been mostly lovely in Oxford and reminding me, as I slave away inside the Bodleian Library (there are worse places I know), that I should be punting and picnicking and going to Greenbelt...
  
• looking forward to my friend Steve's wedding at York Minster and a wee holiday in Scotland with my friends the Sturdy's (I will have got my work done by then, I will...)
  
• brain is refusing to accept just how much work I've got to do
  a) before September 26th b) after that, before Easter next year (same amount of work as each of the last academic years but in half the time...)
  

so, feeling chirpy, oh yes...

the real Deal?

am currently in the church office using their broadband connection to research dtats and stuff for my placement project and pondering how you truly get under the skin of a place ... especially when I am here for such a short time... and Deal hardly fits into any of my previous experiences - it is much smaller than any other place I've lived, so local news travels fast, but conversely feels quite a way from anywhere 'large' and although very near to France, steadfastly English... When you join a church you almost inevitably get an insight into the middle-classes first... though even the middle-classes here aren't as well off as they are in Oxford for example, and there isn't much in the way of take up of private school education...
Deal certainly knows how to 'put its best foot forward' with sites advertising its genteel delights... but I've also discovered, rather to my surprise that it's also ex-mining country ... something it does have in common with lovely Sheffield/Yorkshire!

It's a very odd experience to join a church as part of the leadership team - people immediately know who you are when you are still working out the way home! It's also hard to get a sense of what it's like to be an ordinary member of the church at first, and how much they've got the vision that the leadership team have been heading towards for several years...

perhaps my eager readership have some good questions that enable the questioner to cut to the heart of a place?...

dreaming dreams...

I've been thinking since I've been here in Deal, hanging out with church-leaders who've obviously done some dreaming and are trying to communicate that dream to the rest of the church of where they think God is calling them, that I don't find it easy to dream. I often don't know for sure whether I want to/should be doing something or not until I get there.. and I find it hard to imagine where I'm gonna be a more than a year ahead...

my question is that because I lack the gift of dreaming; or because I am afraid to dream, because I think that 'knowing me' it won't come off? And in either situation should I look for breakthrough, how do I start? Or should I look around for the dreams of others which I get excited by and help them to happen? is the latter my gift? have I just focused on one way of getting to the place you are supposed to be?

I'd like to get some kind of answer to these questions as I'll soon be looking at potential jobs for next year!

here's one I prepared earlier...

so here I am at the utter end of the earth... well the utter end of South Eastern England anyhow... on placement in Deal (by the sea!) at St George's Church (just north of Dover if you didn't know) It's been straight in at the deep-end for me - leading a service within days of arriving, preaching the very next Sunday (i.e. this last weekend) and 3 more leads and 2 more preaches to pack in before I finish in a month's time - when I said I wanted more experience in both, they certainly took me up on it!

My placement supervisor is an amazing woman called Shiela Porter who was instituted as Associate Vicar with special responsibility for strategic thinking about mission (having previously been the curate here) by Graham Cray, Bishop of Maidstone on my first Sunday here.. Bob Hopkins preached the sermon... and for those who don't know I knew both Graham and Bob in previous locations- both threatened to tell all (there's really not much to tell!) if anybody wanted to know more about me than I was willing to say! My hosts in Deal (i.e. i'm staying with them) were also in Pakistan at the same time as me, so although I never met them we know a lot of people in common!! All rather odd...

The church itself is growing rapidly (it's between 400 and 600 people already which is huge if you consider what a small place Deal is) and they are desperately trying to work out how to disciple the new Christians, and put in place sustainable church growth (hence Bob & Mary Hopkins' involvement through their ACPI work). They've just taken on a guy to be operations manager - he is taking on all the day-to-day practical stuff, managing the adminstrative staff, as well as being a 'wise old head' in their building redevelopment project - he has lots of secular management experience, so a bit of professionalism and competence in this area will really make a difference in releasing the theologically-trained clergy to do their thing! And they might even get a website up again!

Generally I really don't know what to make of it all; I seem incapabable of deep theological and personal reflection so far, especially in getting a grip on what I need to learn and take away - perhaps it's because I don't have buddies to 'chew the fat' with here and I really am just an 'extravert processor' as they say, so until I start chatting to people about it, then I've no idea what I think... and there's not been much time to do much chatting so far, and I obviously won't get any outside perspective on the church only being here for 5 weeks. It's also weird to hear things almost entirely from the leaders' 'insider' point of view... is that what I'll always get from now on? It's a funny way to meet a church! I need to make sure I get some ordinary bods view of it before I leave!

In other news, I may well be finally succumbing to the joy of consumerism having spent almost an entire day (including evening meal) at Bluewater a massive shopping complex in the North of Kent with the lovely Kathryn Ross (from Wycliffe) and come back with lots of clothes... (much needed since I cleared out my wardrobe many months ago and haven't been shopping since, so was a bit thin on clothes, especially smart clothes!) I think I might even have enjoyed it - the air-conditioning on such a hot muggy day may well have helped that process...

So as Val-der-ree would say here's a 'shallow' post for you... perhaps i'll do 'deep' next time!

ok, so lots of excuses!

well I know I've been away a very long time, and there's lots of reasons for that, mainly the fact that I managed to drop my laptop on my wireless network receiver... and am now on the poverty-status of dial-up at home (currently tapping away in the Wycliffe library) - I did try and get it fixed, but to no avail, and I wasn't exactly motivated to pursue a solution; with my exams and a long essay deadline looming, I had discovered the freedom of being effectively internet-less ... no more of the '5 minute twitch' to check whether there was anything new on the BBC website, or to see if I could find yet another blog to sate my desire for yet more information and opinions, if the ones I was reading regularly (of friends and strangers) hadn't been updated.

It's not that I've gone completely Luddite and stopped using and reading the internet, but I don't have the saddo need for information that I did a few months ago! I do still enjoy reading people's blogs, but I'm more hungry for relationship with God than I am for information or opinions, which I'd say was the reverse before I bust my connection... makes you think doesn't it?! and out of the blogs I read I'm much more interested in those which are written by people I'm really in relationship with (i.e. have met and will continue to meet face to face) although I very occasionally pop into others...

perhaps linked to this, I'm chewing over a theory at the moment, that the more ways we have to communicate, the less we do so, and certainly the less we do so in any depth... for example 5 years ago when I moved from Cambridge to Sheffield I was on the phone to my friends back in Cambridge quite a lot and for decent amounts of time. Now it's very rare that I talk on the phone to anyone other than my parents (and don't seem to be much good at that these days either!) and in terms of social communication with my friends from Sheff it is generally just a text, or once in a blue moon an email... I do try and make myself write real letters from time to time, but very rarely get one in return.. does that just mean I've got to the age where my friends are settling down and that there immediate social circle (ie their new family) is more important than distant friends, or we've all got to the stage where we've moved too many times and can no longer invest in anyone other than the people who are right here in front of us? or is it that we think we can easily stay in touch any time and therefore we never actually do? or is it just me?!

what can you do in 5 minutes?

write a short post... i know, i know it's been flippin' ages and even now it's gonna be short (I'm on dial-up again!) so since i last wrote i turned 30 (a good thing I reckon - i'm feeling more comfortable in my own skin these days... which may just mean that with my mature personality that this is the natural age for me... not sure how to think about that!), i've been away and had people come visit me and i've procrastinated badly about work - which means i have 3,000 words to write in the next 5 days... which sounds pretty bad (it is i think) but i wrote 4,000 since coming back from Rome a week ago and i certainly haven't been writing at full pelt for all those days... oh no, in fact burying my head in the sand would come closer to it for some of those days!

anyhow i had a request to blog about Rome - so briefly my impression of it (in the midst of lots of pilgrims coming to pay their respects to 'il papa'/the pope - he died the evening we arrived) is that it is a crazy place with more historical sights than you would ever be able to know all about in a lifetime, with crazy traffic and lots of beautiful people scooting about on vespas saying 'ciao' (sadly the pope was not able to join in on that front- i've asked the cardinals to keep it in mind for their next choice... eddie izzard reference for those who don't know) pictures will follow when they come back from the developer and more chat alongwith no doubt... right a minute over - ciao!

meaning it...

Just been on the 2nd 'annual hOME weekend away' - it was a good time I think, I managed to avoid the usual demons that haunt these things for many of us (e.g. insecurity because lil' old me was hanging out with the "beautiful people", guilt because I wasn't doing any work) and I really had fun (I enjoyed '40-40' and 'Ultimate Frisbee' - unheard of!!) I was slightly weirded out by not really having any 1-2-1 time with anybody for 48 hours - I'm not used spending all my time with at least 3 other people or more!

Anyhow at one point we were talking about God's mission in the world and that we are called to join in with what He's up to i.e. bringing in to the world justice, peace, reconciliation, celebration (etc) with Himself and with others ... and up came the old chesnut about doing actions that show the good news of Jesus 'versus' speaking words which explain and challenge people with it (the 'dreaded' evangelism word). And whilst I am no great one for actually talking about what I believe, it struck me that very often nervous Christians are so worried about being inappropriate/ embarrassing that we forget that knowing Jesus, finding healing and wholeness with God and other people that that brings is actually really really good news - so that we devalue it, we don't celebrate it all, we don't love our friends enough to share it ever - pretty much saying to ourselves and perhaps to God that we don't really believe it...

Something that kind of connects with this, is that I've recently been challenged to connect up my core 'intellectual' beliefs in a much more real way with how I'm feeling, with the crap/good stuff I go through - it's made me realise that a lot of the time I use what have become cliches for me, other people's words (from the Bible, prayer books or songs) to relate to God, and that this means I'm not really real with Him about how I'm feeling, what I'm worried about - that actually I need to develop my own vocabulary to relate to Him, so I own what I'm saying, so that I really know that I fully mean it!

there's hope yet...

for a world dominated by corporations, it's good to know that some still have a sense of humour/ humanity. From a recent email:

Greetings from Amazon.co.uk.We're writing to correct a recent e-mail notification that we sent about "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (Book 6)."
In our e-mail, we stated that this title would not be immediately available from our suppliers, and that you may want to search for it elsewhere.
We would like confirm that this book will be available from our suppliers and will be delivered to UK customers on the day of release (July 16th 2005).
We assure you that Howlers have been sent to the Muggles responsible for this action and we are investigating the possibility that 'You-Know-Who' may have been involved.

... Otherwise am generally busy (beginning to get stressed), very behind with work, so obviously am going away for the weekend with hOME... ah well, should be good all the same!

Also 30 next week... I've recently discovered that the Medievals discovered that they thought that everyone will be 30 in heaven as that is the age of perfection (and maturity in Jewish society apparently). So I'm looking foward to being perfectly mature;)

that sinking feeling...

My friend Jon has started blogging again, and in his most recent post he was talking about conversations he had in at a dance night he goes to regularly, and one thing he said really leapt out at me:

from the 'blood sample' of my generation i took tonite, it is not faith in God that is dying but faith in ourselves...

that rings so true with me - and i guess being a Christian gives me a reason for the state we're in (our sin, our rebellion against the wonderful way God had planned for us) - but sometimes it also entirely demotivates me to invest in anything for the future - sometimes i even wonder if 'making poverty history' is worth it - after all, what impact will saving all those children, who die every second i type, have on the planet? of course each and every one matters... but we seem to have an increasing ability to screw things up... oh i dunno really, i suspect i've lost some perspective somewhere along the line!