Christmas in the 'burbs...

well, here I am still at my parents - 'cos my brother is still around (back from Kenya briefly) ... not that seems to make any difference to how much we see him, he's off out catching up with friends! (all my friends from school have very sensibly moved away from this smug characterless town) ho-hum...

it is very weird being back here for an extended period - everyone seems to revert back into role... I seem to lose my individual identity, and just float along doing what I'm told, and running off to watch tv and surf the 'net (and doing some work, but not too much!) like the teenager I used to be ... it is really odd this lack of personal space - seems to wipe out my relationship with God as I know it (i.e. I'm not really praying, reading the Bible or thinking about stuff for myself) so what does that mean for someone who theoretically believes that being a Christian is not an individualistic enterprise, but should be about joining the body of Christ, being in community? does this mean I have totally the wrong model of spirituality to match this ideal? maybe so...

on a lighter note, Christmas has been fun, seen a lot more of both sides of the family than I often do at Christmas which is good and weird at the same time... and I've been happily watching much of what my new 'Return of the King' extended edition dvd has to offer - great stuff:)

We're all teenagers...

I've just stumbled across this fascinating article about the power of youth in an aging culture... I think the church, and especially the 'emerging' church movement has succumbed to this worldview fairly whole-heartedly... and I'm not sure this is a good thing! The writer says:

The turning point, of course, was the 1960s. Until then, young people were largely ignored in a culture that was determinedly and stiflingly middle-aged. A generation, who were brought up in very different conditions from those of their parents, rebelled in a way that remains unprecedented in western society.

Why is it unprecedented? What are we missing? (I'm not questioning that we've gained things) previous cultures really valued their elders, whereas I'm not even sure I know how to even listen properly to the wisdom of my elders anymore - I'm reading a book written in 1968 which is supposed to be a seminal work (Francis Schaeffer's The God Who Is There) and apart from the fact I only dimly understand some of it, I struggle to escape the attitude of 'this is so modernist, what can it possibly have to say to me?' ! Surely it will have something to say... after all I don't seem to have that problem with the Bible or the early church writers... hmmm - any comment?

happy/sad...

a dear friend of mine got engaged last week, and mostly I am so chuffed that he did, like you wouldn't believe...

but things like that also make me sad, 'cos changes like these has often meant losing things that are precious - and friendships have to be the most precious things to me... whilst this change wouldn't necessarily mean that we'll lose touch anymore than the fact that we will be leaving college and going off to different places, it just was a marker which made me reflect on leaving people behind, and how rubbish it is, and how I've done it too often, and how at the moment I don't have anyone (apart from the big G obviously) who'll stay with me - and that makes me sad... ho-hum!

Will I ever learn to thrive on change I wonder?! Does leaving people benefit me and them sometimes? It would be good to have some clue about the answers!

I'm not sure whether the fact that I'm visiting friends in Sheffield this coming weekend helps me or not... but I am very much looking forward to it:)

Humorously convicting...

I've just found this on Maggi Dawn's blog... and I'd just been musing to my friend Stevie J that I'm still struggling with my more conservative brothers and sisters in the Christian world... and also with those who disagree with me polictically... oh to be humble, and loving, and right too;) !

mutuality...

further to my previous post (thanks for the comments Pete and Jen, they really helped:)... I think what I've been edging towards for a long while is:

• learning to celebrate what is great about the opposite sex, to honour and respect men for who they are, not denigrate them for what they're not (which is where the wondering about giving them priority in leadership came from) ...
• at the same time (like Jen said) cherish what's fab about being a woman from the 'frivolous' to the 'deep' stuff, and not to sell myself short
  

it's all good, these difference that God has made:) ... perhaps that's another layer of meaning to that thing in the marriage service that says 'what God has joined let no one seperate'?!

well better get on with my 'worship' (i.e. liturgy) essay... ho-hum

oh boy, what to say?

For ages I've been trying and failing (and therefore deleting before publishing) to write a post on the whole man/woman communication/role deal... 'cos it is a deal - especially in this weird world of theological college, where there's a maximum of 1/3 of the students being female - a bit of an anomaly in my experience of life (my uni days was in a place where trainee teachers and occupational therapists ruled, and therefore there were loads more women there) ...

having been brought up in a 'post-feminist' environment, it's taken me a while to learn that actually there are differences between men and women that do matter (this lack of recognition of the difference as a child for example, meant that it never occurred to me that the adverts for the army didn't directly apply for me). Whether they should or not is really a different deal, but that's the way things are. And it's taken me a while to take and own the good things within 'traditional' feminine identity - not everything, but I think I hadn't been encouraged to take on some of the positive stuff of being a woman.

Of course being a woman in a traditionally male environment highlights this whole identity thing in a very particular way - despite my belief that the Bible does allow space for women to be leaders, it doesn't particularly help in providing models, and neither does much of the current church scene (traditional or emerging). I'm still not sure, and perhaps this is a dangerous thing to say, that there isn't some space for difference in the perceived priority of roles in which men and women lead and serve the church (i.e. that there are areas where men more usually take the lead) ... or maybe that's just because it's emotionally and culturally appropriate at the moment? I dunno, I really don't know what I'm talking about, I'm just trying to feel my way to the bottom of what the questions should be, nevermind the answers!

... and before you ask 1 sermon and 1 essay down, with a talk and 3 essays to go (I think the talk is written, now I just have to deliver it!) so things are looking up... tho i still wouldn't mind that extra day that Ande (see comments below) has been interceding for! And hi to Jen - I'm glad you like my 'blog... where's yours?!

tara for now;)

overloaded!!

Well, I keep thinking that I'll wait 'till I have something profound to post (it's not good reading too many blogs by people who are naturally articulate and thought-through - raises the bar way too high!) but actually that's never going to happen...

so instead I just want to say that THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH HOURS IN THE DAY!! (recover composure after embarrassing and unnecessary outburst) but really there aren't - this term at Wycliffe has been really fun, I've hung out with lots of nice people, been much more sociable than I was able to be last year. But as we approach the last 2 weeks of term I seem to have an all age sermon to give on Sunday (on being ready for the Second Coming as well...), an Alpha talk on 'how God guides us' to a bunch of sixth formers on Wednesday, and 4 essays to do.
How did that happen??!!

So actually I'm hoping for the Second Coming sooner rather than later! ... Although if I think about that a bit harder, perhaps not, I'm not sure that I am ready...

but if I'm even more silent than usual you'll know why, although blogging may become the next in a long line of procrastination techniques... watch this space (or not!)

an addition to my argument below... I think I nicked this off Jonny Baker's blog (see my random links list)

My heart cracks...

man, I haven't felt this stirred up about politics in a long time... and it's not even my own country - George W. winning over there is kinda what I expected, and to be frank I'm not sure how much good Kerry could have done... I guess we might have had a President (and as much as I'd like to think that the President of the US is just their business, it's not - they are the only superpower, and it affects us all) who didn't come across as so self-righteous and blind to other people's opinions and interests.

However the US has sucked us all in to such a mess in Iraq, the environment is getting more and more screwed up and yet there's no sign of anybody really seriously putting long term self interest before short term profit, the poor get poorer and the rich more screwed up... what can any one person, even the President of US really change, in any major way, about any of that?

What really breaks my heart tho' is what a massive divide this election has shown up, and there doesn't seem to be anyway of talking across it - both sides are so convinced they are right, that they are on the side of good and the other side are short sighted ignorant so-and-so's that there's no way of things changing. This is especially painful in the Christian world where 'evangelicals' in this country would also include in their major concerns the environment, justice for the poor and so on... whereas American 'evangelicals' seem obsessed with personal moral issues (which are, in my opinion, much more difficult to ask civil legislation to rule on) such as abortion, gay marriage and so on, over and above everything else - this includes American friends who live here - I find it so hard to talk to them about it, cos we don't even seem to be talking the same language!

I was going to say more, but I'm not sure I trust myself not to splutter with incoherent, misdirected rage at the way the world seems to be going...

Lord have mercy on us all!

remember, remember...

that life is good! I'm feeling really positive about life, the universe and everything at the moment, and I'm trying to write that down in as many places as possible, to come back to when the next turn of the wheel comes - that here on the 'mountain top' I can see things in their proper perspective (?) - to remind myself that I have some really good friends, that God loves me and that I'm part of some amazing communities.

It's not that there aren't things I'm struggling with - I'm still not brilliant at getting on top of the workload (but I'm not worrying about it quite so much), I still don't like being single (but I don't feel like a complete loser about it as I did a few months ago), I'm thinking through my faith, what it means to me and how much I really believe - how much of difference is it making to my life? And is there anything I can do to deepen my relationship with God? But I'm actually quite excited about that, despite the one step forward, two steps back progress I often make - after all having a better grasp on the fact that I can rely on God's love and faithfulness means it's not really about me, it's about discovering more of Him and His resources:)

I also came across this post about the temptations that become really strong when life is pants... wise words indeed... and on that note I shall stop, and try and think of rather more profound things to post next time!

ah-ha!

In a conversation with a wise friend yesterday I realised what I had been wittering on about in my previous post (which didn't publish properly so you couldn't comment on it even if you'd wanted to!!) basically boils down to a lack of faith, for 'faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see' (Hebrews 11:1). Which is actually hopeful, a signpost to listen out for what God's saying now and look back at what He's said in the past - since 'faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word of Christ.' (Romans 10:17)

being me...

You know, I can never believe that I'm 29, or even that I come over that way (people often tell me that they think I'm several years younger - should that be a compliment?). I think the thing is that I had expected to have made a few more decisions about who I am by now... somehow I get the message loud and clear from culture that this last decade of my life should have been the 'high point' of what makes me, me. It should have been what I'd been building up to for the previous 19 years and what I'll spend the rest of my life trying to recapture.

And yet it sure doesn't feel that way, I hardly feel like I've got started. I've bummed around in different places, doing lots of different jobs, getting little insights into different worlds and professions from doing stuff on the edges of them. But I don't think I've really got hold of the main stuff I think I could be good at, the music I really like, nor indeed the relationships that I'd like to carry with me for the rest of my life. Without any conscious need or intention to do so, I haven't lived in the same place for more than 3 years since I left home to go to University. Which has lots of consequence, including the ones I've just described.

Perhaps I'm not alone in my generation, still waiting to grow up and take responsibility... or perhaps I don't appreciate what I have done, been part of, learnt already, since 'it's only me', not easy to see as extraordinary... it's also interesting to see how much I've talked about me how the pressure is on to find an individual identity, rather than finding myself as part of something bigger. hmmm, enough already!

partially provoked by seeing The Motorcycle Diaries, getting a new haircut and having a tricky conversation with a friend yesterday... ;)

My brain is finite... but the mind of God is infinite..

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.

I have just finished two long essays (Church History, and the contemporary world) and am in the midst of what Wycliffe Hall likes to call an 'Integrated Study Week' (Birth and Baptism... with a lot more besides) ... and I am much relieved to know that:

a) God has given me a brain so that I can appreciate the many questions that are provoked by His existence and His creation...

b) That I am not expected to and cannot contain, or discover, all the answers to those questions, but that God does...

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say by that, except relief that humanity is not the peak of existence, if we are, then I'm pretty sure we are in trouble!

thoughts about community... and sunny days:)

This is great little reflection on community... and a real help for me to think about how I was feeling on Friday ... written by a guy I know vaguely through being in Sheffield...

Just to share a 'warm and fuzzy' (to counterbalance my tendency to blog when feeling rubbish) I'd just like to say that I've had a great day so far today ... up early, cup of tea, off for a swim at the new uni pool (30 lengths - new pb;), back for scrambled eggs for brekkie, sorted through stuff that has needed doing for ages, long lunch at the pub in the sunshine with hOMEies and my old friend Matt Rutter ... then Matt I went to go punting, but ended up with a big canoe... which was great ... nothing is lovelier than English rivers in the sunshine! More days like this please!!

I wish... I wish... Or do I?

Sigh... Trying to readjust to the high-pressure world of theological college (even though lectures don't start for another 3 weeks) - through the slightly odd medium of a New Wine Ordinands Conference here in Oxford - much good stuff, and feel the promise of much more good stuff from God - but oh how these things bring out all my insecurities in gloriously focused technicolour!!

It's the first time I've seen some of my fellow ordinands at Wycliffe for a while - and one of the first things they want to know is

'Did you a Have a Good Holiday?'

... and the answer is kind of complicated... in the sense that

'No, I did not Go Somewhere Sunny (because I find it hard to know who to go with/ would like to go with me... and some who said that would, didn't)... and Actually I was in Hospital for 6 Days because I had my Appendix Out and I've been Catching Up With Work and when you ask that, it feels like my 'holiday' has been A Bit of a Slog'

but also...

'Yes, as I had a lovely time catching up with my family for a few days in Devon (I nearly said heaven!) and I went to New Wine A - where I enjoyed the camping and (shock, horror) quite a few of the talks, and I had ten days in Sheffield housesitting - I really enjoyed having somewhere to have people round, and catching up with friends in a chilled out way, and going to the Peak District, and joining the Order of Mission which holds lots of possibilities for the future (mine and the Church's!)... but... that's not so concrete, is it?'

Holidays often feel like a bit of pressure to me to Have a Good Time and Chill Out... it's strange isn't it? But that's How It Is... 'cos holidays have become the obligatory high point of years where we only work under sufferance, and kicking back is What It's All About... maybe I'm coming over all bitter and twisted about this 'cos there's lots of letting go (I originally said work!) I'd like to do, about being secure enough in all that God has made me and share it with other people... actually, sometimes I am... but at the moment it feels like mostly I'm not... guess it does have to be worked through - find out what's going on underneath!

There remains, then, a Sabbath-rest for the people of God; for anyone who enters God's rest also rests from his own work, just as God did from his. Let us, therefore, make every effort to enter that rest, so that no one will fall by following their example of disobedience. Hebrews 4: 9-11

Perhaps we need to 'make every effort' (!) to live in that rest body, mind and spirit!

this is hilarious...

of all the 'personality' tests on the internet this makes me grin the most!


20 Questions to a Better Personality

Wackiness: 16/100
Rationality: 16/100
Constructiveness: 16/
100Leadership: 4/100

You are a SEDF--Sober Emotional Destructive Follower. This makes you an Evil Genius.You are extremely focused and difficult to distract from your tasks. With luck, you have learned to channel your energies into improving your intellect, rather than destroying the weak and unsuspecting.Your friends may find you remote and a hard nut to crack. Few of your peers know you very well--even those you have known a long time--because you have expert control of the face you put forth to the world. You prefer to observe, calculate, discern and decide. Your decisions are final, and your desire to be right is impenetrable.You are not to be messed with. You may explode.
Of the 10595 people who have taken this quiz since tracking began (8/17/2004), 13.7 % are this type.

treasure?

this got me thinking (click on the post's title)... do I treasure what I have enough to give it away?... or is it so unappreciated that I don't know what has a hold on me? hmmm

anyhow this is the front page of the site... Sacred Space - the prayer site run by the Irish Jesuits

Absence makes the heart grow fonder?

Well, well, been away long time... been poorly sick (as my friend Ema would say) - two days after long absent parents return to the country, they have to rush me into their local hospital for what turned out to be an emergency op. to remove a rather icky appendix... 

I think all and sundry are hoping this is the end to a year of unprecedented ill-health for me. It's been proper frustrating! However when all's said and done I am almost completely better - just lacking a bit of oomph on the energy front... even that seems to be getting better every day! (am on iron tablets for anemia:)

What slightly worries me about being ill is that so much of what I consider to be 'me' seems to disappear. I talk to God only occasionaly, I'm really antisocial and I find it really difficult to care for myself or others... in some ways fair enough, but in others - especially the God thing - how on earth can I say that this is a fundamental part of me when it flees away so easily and almost without me noticing?
Of course the other possibility is that because I've related to God for all my life I don't actually know what it feels like to be totally without Him, what actually disappears is the religion that I put on top!! Certainly I always knew everything was going to be OK one way or the other, and wasn't worried about stuff in ways I'm sure many people are. Hmmm...

Talking of absence, having both my parents and my 'little' brother back in the country for a short while has made me realise (despite instant bickering on the way home from the airport!!) how much they are part of me and whole I feel when they are around. Not in any dramatic way, it just 'is', much in the way that grass 'is' green and it would only be noticeable if it wasn't ... they're great:) I feel privileged to be part of such a family. The next puzzle is how to lay hold of and give away the best of what I've been given through it!
 

frankly?

Recently I've been having a bit of a dilemma about what to post here, because I know that friends, and strangers (from time to time;), who read this are coming from completely different places spiritually (even if I don't what those places are...) and thinking about it, that's true of those who hear what I say I the 'real' world too...

so how much do I say about what I'm thinking about matters 'internal' to the church ... there's lots of blogs out there that are quite interesting to church geeks like me;) (which could be both incomprehensible and dull to those who couldn't give a monkeys)?

And how much do I need to say about 'what I'm doing/where I've been' (which, frankly, could be quite unnecessary and dull to all concerned ;)? although that was the reason for setting up a blog in the first place, to dispense with the need for emailing out newsletters too often...

I think you might all have to put up with general musings on other 'stuff'...

And if I don't talk a little about these things to all of my friends and acquaintances how honest am I being?
Of course there are levels of things that are appropriate to say, and sometimes I'm a bit too open with the wrong people, at the wrong time, 'cos I worry about not being 'honest'! (sigh, it's hard work being me!!)
But I think we should at least share a sniff of what else we are in other situations too, otherwise integrity (a universally valued commodity!) can easily slip away...

hmmm 'answers' on comments please;)

Several and various good things...

had people round for dinner for the first time (my good friends Steve, Rob & Steph, & flatmate Nat) last night - good to realise that I can do this, even if we eat from plates on our knees in my bedroom/study! Can't see me ever feeling comfortable with inviting people who have 'proper' houses round tho'... oh the joys of being a single ordinand!

I feel like I've turned a corner with the whole loneliness thing - something I've been struggling with quite a lot this year. It seems to be like fog - suddenly appears and blankets everything, distancing me from everyone around and then slips away gradually without me noticing... it's made me realise tho' that it's often more of a state of mind, rather than directly linked to the 'real-life' situation I'm in (although that obviously has some bearing on it!)

I went with a couple of other people from Wycliffe, to a conference in London (Kensington v. posh!) called 'mission-shaped church' on Wednesday. It was about changing ways of doing church/ church planting within the Church of England - really encouraging on lots of levels, just a few quotable points were:

* don't try to be relevant, focus on relationships and you will be!
* Jesus didn't set out to found the institution of the church, but nor did it happen by accident - church is the event which happens when we encounter Jesus (from the Archbishop's address)
* church should look more and more like a taste of the new heaven and earth..

I think the most exciting thing was the level of encouragement from the Archbishop and other Bishops to be creative about how to do church... we don't have to do this 'on the sly':)