accidie?

'A state of lethargy attested by monks, especially hermits, engaged in intense spiritual warfare. The word derives from the Greek akedia, which means weariness... the concept is little understood today and does not figure in most manuals of Christian spirituality. Accidie was defined by Nilus of Ancyra (died c.430 AD) as a weariness of the soul, rendering it incapable of having spiritual interests and unable to resist temptations (De octo spiritbus malitae 13).
Its earliest exponent was Evagrius of Pontus (346-99 AD) who contrasted it with 'patience' and linked it to the concept of the midday plague or 'demon' (Psalm 91:6) because its pressure was most keenly felt in the midday heat. Accidie would tempt the monk to abandon his devotions, and sometimes even his calling itself... The main cure for accidie are given as hard labour, constant prayer and contemplation of the nearness of death.'

GL Bray in Atkinson, DJ(ed), New Dictionary of Christian Ethics and Pastoral Theology (Leicester: 1995, IVP)

so that's what I've got eh? I certainly feel like a hermit since I spend a great deal of my days alone with the books, wondering whether it's all worth it... and in the face of yesterday's subject - abortion - it has been particularly challenging for me to keep it together, as the idea of children being done away with is very hard to contemplate, and yet sometimes there are some really difficult calls... it really is a deal living in this broken world.

anyhow it's good to know that my spiritual lethargy is an ancient phenomenon , in these last few weeks of academic study the 'midday heat' of work pressures certainly seem to be taking their toll - so a bit of hard labour needs to be fitted in perhaps? any workable suggestions?! ... I'm not sure how one contemplates the nearness of death having been brought up in a death-phobic society!

signs of the future...

So, I went to the clerical outfitters on Friday to be measured up, thought y'all might want to see the tentative results (as in, these aren't my robes, but I'll have something like them when they're made!)... scary or what?! I think you can tell from my uncomfortable stance I'm very glad I'll only be wearing these once a week at a traditional mid-week service!


And although you can't see very much of the church I thought you might also want to see a few photos of me with my lovely friend Rob and Steph Sturdy who are off back to the States in the summer, so they came with me to visit St Giles when I last went a few weeks ago... stupidly I didn't take any photos of the house...

people who've cheered me up this week...

... and I've certainly needed it!

I'd just like to particularly pay tribute to my friend Rob Sturdy who mixes a mean Marguerita and laughs in all the right places when we watched Pirates of the Caribbean on Wednesday - we were both feeling pretty grumpy, and helped each other out of bad place!

Also my friend's from Sheffield, and old next door neighbours, Alex and Katell rang to say that they are getting hitched in June and would I like to come? so I'm really pleased for them and very chuffed to be asked!

Tonight my friend Valerie, also from Sheffield rang to ask if she could pop in for lunch tomorrow on her way darn sarf... she's great, and writes one of my two current favourite blogs (Dan's is the other one!) ... or perhaps i should stop with the favourite blogs idea, i keep thinking of more I like and I don't want it to turn into a popularity contest... I love you all, in your own special ways!

Friends eh? they'rrrrrre great!

well done me!

have completed my last long essay draft... hopefully the tutor will say not too much needs changing!

so, now on to the four short essays (Old Testament and Ethics oh yes.) and revision... this still mainly involves working by myself, which is really beginning to drive me a little bonkers, especially 'cos my flatmates are away! Yesterday I had a proper conversation with one person - that's surely not right... (Although that one person is my future housemate and a very nice lady, which compensates somewhat;)

ho-hum, just a lull I'm sure...

counting down...

only 10, 000 words, 3 exams, and 5 weeks to go 'til the end of my academic course... then leaver's programme and i'm outta here on 9th June (for a week's holiday and then move to Northampton on 20th June...) crikey...

Twisted perceptions

As many of y'all already know, last summer my little brother married the lovely Monica Kimani in Nairobi, Kenya last summer (they had both worked for Medair in relief and capacity building work in South Sudan) ... One of the things that really struck me, when they showed a video of the wedding day back in England at their blessing, was how suddenly foreign it looked - when I was there all the African ladies from the village dancing and singing at Monica's parents' house before we set off for the church was beautiful and atmospheric, watching a recording of it, it just seemed generically African, not something I could relate to at all... I guess because I wasn't relating anymore, I was just observing...

I found being there I had to come to grips with something that I'd picked up from media and indeed charity transmitted attitudes that Africans aren't really grown ups, that they are children who need to be looked after. In reality of course they are very much grown ups and equals, but it is easier to help people who you feel you are superior to in some way isn't it?

still chewing it over!

funny peculiar or funny ha-ha?

this story in the Guardian gives Brits some pause for thought; maybe the Americans haven't completely taken over...!?

four things...

Ok, so I've succumbed to peer pressure and joined in with this crazee fad... oh yes.

FOUR JOBS I'VE HAD

1. Paper girl
2. Catering Assistant
3. 'Teacher' (of English in Pakistan - if this was graded on whether you had fulfilled expected outcomes it wouldn't count)
4. Adminstrative Assistant... in lots of interesting places

FOUR MOVIES/SHOWS I'VE BEEN ADDICTED TO:
1. Lord of the Rings...
i don't generally get addicted, and besides i don't have a telly

FOUR PLACES I'VE LIVED:
1. Woking, Surrey
2. York, Yorkshire
3. Hyderabad, Pakistan
4. Cambridge, Cambridgeshire

FOUR COUNTRIES I WOULD LIKE TO VISIT:
1. India
2. New Zealand
3. China
4. Chile

FOUR POPULAR FALSE ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT ME:
1. I'm very holy
2. I'm very serious
3. I'm easily shocked
4. I play the piano!!

FOUR PEOPLE I LOOK LIKE (according to some people):
0 - clearly too funny lookin'

FOUR THINGS (I HOPE) TO DO BEFORE I DIE:
1. Be able to sing in tune all the time
2. learn to play the piano
3. preach a great sermon
4. Become fluent in another language

PEOPLE I TAG NEXT:
1. Suzie
2. Val
3. Andrew
4. Andy

Fasting and Eating Disorders

with Lent approaching I've been thinking about what disciplines I might engage with... and I've been really challenged about fasting for some time, so I piped up in a hOME meeting that I'd like to make a commitment to fasting with other people - as I've been so rubbish at it in the past... not only woosing out, but also getting my knickers in a twist as to why I'm doing it. This provoked a really interesting conversation with another member of hOME about fasting and eating disorders - and how not to provoke the latter by engaging in the spiritual discipline of fasting - this is a discussion we've had before in the girl's discipleship group I've been part of in hOME... it's fascinating to me that very little is written about this - it's not really mentioned to my knowledge in classics about spiritual disciplines (like Celebration of Discipline or The Spirit of the Disciplines) perhaps this is because they are written by men, older men at that?
the only useful thing I found on the web was this article, which to be fair is pretty good (less spelling mistakes!;) - I especially liked his point that 'Christian fasting does not set abstinence as the goal, but rather abstains from some things in order to feast on God'...

trip to Scotland last week...

the weekend before last I had a last holiday before the final push on work (last exams first week in May... 20,000 words in essays need to be done before then)

So my friend Claire, who lives in Edinburgh hosted me and took me to the smallest distillery in Scotland and also to Dunkeld where she can be seen as near to birds as she's ever likely to get...

it rained a lot... but the countryside still peeked out looking beautiful!

belated announcement....

so most of you know about this already but I keep discovering the odd person who doesn't (I was waiting on things official to make it completely public) ... I'm going to be the curate at St Giles, Northampton when I leave Wycliffe (resting on the assumption that I will have got all my work done and haven't done anything heinous in the meantime) ... ordination is on Sunday 2nd July at Peterborough Cathedral (Northampton is in Peterborough Diocese).

how do I feel? well, truth be told the initial excitement about all the things that the job description includes (especially exploring and releasing more 'fresh expressions' of church within and/or outside St Giles) has rather been overtaken by feeling very scared that doing this job, possibly living by myself, working for the church for the rest of my life will flatten me... I don't do 'alone' very well

on the up side I really feel like I've reconnected with God in a much deeper way than I have for a long time... so I'm aware that I'm walking a tightrope over the abyss but God is holding my hand (floating alongside me in the way that God can...!!) which means I'm still scared, but know that I'm more in touch with the spiritual reality of saying 'yes' to God than when I'm smugly self assured... which is comforting?!

how we acquire a worldview...

I just came across this great quote while reading for an essay on the impact of globalization on the nature of Christian mission (really far too interesting, I don't have the time for getting interested in my subject I need to be getting on...) Anyhow here it is:

We acquire our theology consciously through proposition statements. Our worldview, however is acquired subconsciously, in small and imperceptible parts. Note, for instance, the consumerist lifestyle and dependency among conservative evangelicals in the West. Their theology is faultless, yet they practice daily surrender to a worldview that rationalizes and excuses consumption excesses. CS Lewis describes this process by placing in the mouth of Screwtape the following words:
We know that we have introduced a change of direction in his course which is already carrying him out of his orbit around the Enemy [God]; he must be made to imagine that all the choices which have effected this change of course are trivial and revocable. He must not be allowed to suspect that he is now, however slowly, heading right away from the sun on a line that will carry him into the cold and dark of utmost space.
For this reason, I am almost glad to hear that he is still a churchgoer and a communicant. I know there are dangers in this; but anything is better than that he should realise the break he has made.

more food for thought... what adjustments to our faith do we make that make us more comfortable, yet less faithful?

Owning 'the' truth...

To rehash a theme I've touched on before, I've been thinking about the road that lies before me and the responsibilities that entails, and whether I'm willing to accept them... for being a clergyperson is to in some way to be an authority, a guide, a wise one, some one to imitate - whether or not that is what you feel you can be. With this on the horizon, I continuously feel challenged by the idea that I need to commit myself, however cautiously, to what I think the truth is; which in many areas of my thinking does not come naturally - I like to 'keep an open mind' which, depending on how honest I'm being, is either because 'I know my own frailty of understanding' or because 'I don't like getting into arguments/disagreeing with people' and yet I begin to perceive that this cannot be a permanent outlook since I will say nothing, direct nothing, help no-one to move forward if this is the case...

is this just a girl thing? I was discussing this with a friend yesterday and she was saying that she thinks that boys are much happier going 'all out' for a particular position on something and take it much less personally if they need to defend that position by getting into an argument about it...

food for thought...

New Year's Day...

walking with the hOME crew... oh yes...

first of all there's the planning...

and then there's the dancing...









and of course some walking...

A few Christmas photies

Below is my lovely Mum and Dad... looking a bit nervous as I take my first picture with their Christmas present! On the right is my brother David with his lovely new wife Monica and her sister Carol. We had a really good Christmas this year - a full house and lots and lots of laughs:)

disappointed?

every so often, in the last few months or so especially, I have been provoked to realising how little I make of the opportunities which present themselves through life's daily irritations, injustices and restrictions to become more like Jesus... I keep reading of and hearing these people (like Joni Eareckson Tada for example) who in the midst of great suffering (e.g. being imprisoned for their faith or suffering total paralysis ) actually managed to turn these into an opportunity to rely on God more ... indeed I have met people who just through living in a Bible college community have been inescapably confronted with their need to be more Christ-like because of all the incredibly irritating things that this lifestyle means you have to deal with (not least the other students and the living conditions).

... and yet, when I am aware of difficulties in my life (especially when I think my peers are getting a better deal) my first reaction is to draw attention to how hard done by I am - either through straight out moaning, or by making sarky comments or jokes at my 'oppressors' expense... I'm gutted I haven't allowed God to make more of the opportunity at Wycliffe to turn those things into challenges, and hurdles to jump over, to become fitter in my spiritual life and give thanks for that... and now I've realised this, I'm not sure what to do engage with it, either for myself or how to encourage my fellow students to do this with me...

any wisdom?

On the trials of being a grown-up...

y'know most of the time I really appreciate the benefits of being an adult - you get to decide what you do and when, you are able to help others, use your discernment etc. In fact I was thinking the other day about how much our culture promotes the idea that childish behaviour (like getting your own way, living a self-centred life) is a value to uphold and yet completely fail to be child-like in the way Jesus recommended it (asking questions and expecting trustworthy answers, humility, willingness to love)

however there are days I think I am too good at this, the emotional effort at 'holding it all together' becomes a real burden and that people have no idea that I sometimes (how will they know when?!) long for somebody to take the decisions for/look after me - and this especially applies to holidays for me - I know they are vital, but I actually find them quite stressful - who should I ask? Will they want to go? Where can we find, that we all want to go to, and can afford? Do we have time free at the same time? And after all that gets sorted we MUST have a 'good' time and we MUST come back relaxed and refreshed!!! ... no pressure then

... and so I sometimes long for the time when those decisions were made for me, and all I had to do was sit in the backseat of the car and refrain from arguing with my brother and we would arrive at some lovely location ready for exploration, new food, fun and sandcastles on the beach! Ho-hum!

sigh...

v tired... not much nearer finding a placement... but me and my sermon on the Transfiguration survived sermon class on Monday and the chapel service I lead this morning went well... God turned up, which was nice...

this year's weekly placement

Tomorrow I go to Begbroke Priory (I've only just found their website) for my weekly placement, this will be my fourth visit... and so far it's mainly consisted of chatting to Sister Anne Verena (about prayer, the religious life, ministry, future jobs etc), who is brilliant - she's really down to earth and has a finely tuned sense of the ridiculous! I've also been to a couple of their daily services (I think they have 4 a day).

I'm hoping the bus (only a 15 minute trip) will get me there in time for their daily Eucharist - tomorrow it's All Soul's Day, so it's 'All Soul's Mass' should be pretty interesting... not sure if we'll be praying for the dead or not!

some thoughts of a theology student...

so it's been a while hey? with regards to the post below ... well the essays got handed in (it's amazing how much a fixed deadline concentrates the mind!) however I didn't make it to Scotland or to the baptism of friend's child because of them. Which I was pretty gutted about... and it also meant that I started this Michealmas term exhausted! Since then I've turned down a job offer from a parish in Sheffield, and am in limbo-land where doubts assail me as I wait to hear what they might offer me next...

Meanwhile, those thoughts of a theology student - the first with more of an emphasis on the theology, the second with more of an emphasis on the student... who more than once happened to find herself staring out at the tourists who circle the Radliffe Camera (part of the Bodleian Library) over the past few months.

So, firstly I think I'm having a reaction against all this 'trendy' new theology and appreciating much more the traditional emphases of evangelical theology (for those not of a Christian persuasion you might want to skip this tedious shop-talk and go to the next paragraph... or, you might not, I don't know!). I think I'm getting fed up with 'trendiness' in general and perhaps showing my great age. Anyhow there's lots of rethinking going on in emerging church circles some of which I find really helpful fresh perspectives on what have become stale cliches, which have become a bit incomprehensible in a postmodern world (mission for instance). But in some cases it feels to me more like looking for new ways of doing things for the sake of it, a loss of confidence in the gospel (so other religions are seen as a source of inspiration, not a form of deception) and the power of the Spirit, an obsession with style over content to please ourselves and the intellectual in-crowd that we respect, with no real reference as to whether this glorifies ourselves or God more ... and an attitude that actually seems to communicate very little grace for those who don't 'get' it - including the very people who the gospel is supposed to be for - the outcasts, the uncool, the disabled, the poor (which every time God catches my attention I am reminded that I am part of... my spiritual poverty is embarrasing). We will 'do' things for 'them' that don't cost us too much (I'm especially talking about myself here) i.e. give money, write letters, but I don't see space for those we perceive to be these things to go and ask them to become friends with us, to be part of our communities, for the Spirit to give us the grace to be changed and challenged by their presence in our midst day to day...

As to the thoughts formed while staring out the windows of the Rad Cam... I've been wondering ... why do we go on holiday? is it to take photos? to take it home with us? do we have any idea of how to just enjoy and drink in the moment for its own sake? (I'm not sure I do) what are we looking for when we visit historical cities like Oxford? a connection with the past? an escape from our own lives? why is this a holiday? what is a holiday? is it a rest (my primary thought), or a trophy, or an opportunity to change? or something else?