there's hope yet...

for a world dominated by corporations, it's good to know that some still have a sense of humour/ humanity. From a recent email:

Greetings from Amazon.co.uk.We're writing to correct a recent e-mail notification that we sent about "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (Book 6)."
In our e-mail, we stated that this title would not be immediately available from our suppliers, and that you may want to search for it elsewhere.
We would like confirm that this book will be available from our suppliers and will be delivered to UK customers on the day of release (July 16th 2005).
We assure you that Howlers have been sent to the Muggles responsible for this action and we are investigating the possibility that 'You-Know-Who' may have been involved.

... Otherwise am generally busy (beginning to get stressed), very behind with work, so obviously am going away for the weekend with hOME... ah well, should be good all the same!

Also 30 next week... I've recently discovered that the Medievals discovered that they thought that everyone will be 30 in heaven as that is the age of perfection (and maturity in Jewish society apparently). So I'm looking foward to being perfectly mature;)

that sinking feeling...

My friend Jon has started blogging again, and in his most recent post he was talking about conversations he had in at a dance night he goes to regularly, and one thing he said really leapt out at me:

from the 'blood sample' of my generation i took tonite, it is not faith in God that is dying but faith in ourselves...

that rings so true with me - and i guess being a Christian gives me a reason for the state we're in (our sin, our rebellion against the wonderful way God had planned for us) - but sometimes it also entirely demotivates me to invest in anything for the future - sometimes i even wonder if 'making poverty history' is worth it - after all, what impact will saving all those children, who die every second i type, have on the planet? of course each and every one matters... but we seem to have an increasing ability to screw things up... oh i dunno really, i suspect i've lost some perspective somewhere along the line!

the frightening power of consumerism

so I just had to blog about this, especially since at hOME yesterday we were thinking about God stripping away all the things we try to use to falsely define ourselves (popularity, humour, sexual attractiveness, consumerism, education etc) instead allowing our identity as a completely loved child of God to define ourselves... this article (and the story that provoked it) just shows the terrifying power of a brand... especially this comment made by a reader of the BBC website (i'm really hoping it was made tongue-in-cheek...):

Ikea is not just a furniture store, it is a religion. A true follower has to make regular pilgrimages to its temples and know it's catalogue back to front. All the queueing and hassle is worth it as ultimately you will find peace and contentment amongst your purchases and life will be better. Sue Beverley, uk

scary whatever way it was made, cos to have power it has to have some kernel of (perverse)truth!

thinking out loud with the homies

I've just posted on hOME's new blog - a record of what we've done together so we don't forget when old age finally catches up with us (!)... it's about my new huddle and what we thought about letting other people serve you - something I was really challenged about in this article in the Guardian on friendship recently.

so follow the link in the title, to find out what other things hOME has got up to recently...

... a 'log - speck moment'

Well here I was chuntering away to myself about how no-one in Oxford had posted anything recently... and then I realised I was the worst offender of all - as my long-lost friend Nicki Johnson used to say a 'log - speck moment'...

so for better or worse here I am again, what shall pearls of wisdom should I share with my 'many' eager readers?

Well, today I've started a course called 'Spiritual Formation for Leadership' (which I'm sure Jim would be fascinated by, being a training consultant) - it runs over 8 weeks for a full day each time - including a 45 minute 1-2-1 interview! After the introduction today, one of the things we started exploring was the power of our imagination, through an imaginative exercise which will be analysed and used to explore our personalities in the 1-2-1's.

What struck me particularly from the tutor's observations about the importance of the imagination was that:

• We are always talking about God in metaphorical/imaginative language - that the truth we perceive about 'Him' can never be complete, or completely expressed, whatever language we use. Which of course doesn't take much thought to realise, however I've never explicitly put that in the context of thinking about the power of the imagination!
• Our behaviour is constantly determined by what we imagine our future to be - i.e. by making it happen
• Faith is an exercise of the imagination about things we cannot fully see now and in the future ... as I write it down it sounds like that's a dismissal of the truth of what we believe in, but it's not, it's more an acknowledgement of the limits of what we can perceive.
  

So, all very interesting stuff. I'm very glad to have got started - having seen people go through the course last term made me both excited and apprehensive, as they took a deep look into themselves and their leadership styles. The participants mostly enthused about it, but also looked pretty blasted by the whole experience, as I suppose I will when I spend time looking into the complex darkness of my soul!

On a completely different tack, I've recently had the very disconcerting experience of two people tell me I'm trendy!!! Which couldn't be further from my self-perception - I always think of myself as a rather plodding, middle-of-the-road type, accidently stranded amongst trendy types (especially at church)... maybe it's the context of being at theological college... I won't try and elaborate on that, otherwise I'll unintentionally insult my fabulous colleagues for whom I have the utmost respect and affection:)

Christmas in the 'burbs...

well, here I am still at my parents - 'cos my brother is still around (back from Kenya briefly) ... not that seems to make any difference to how much we see him, he's off out catching up with friends! (all my friends from school have very sensibly moved away from this smug characterless town) ho-hum...

it is very weird being back here for an extended period - everyone seems to revert back into role... I seem to lose my individual identity, and just float along doing what I'm told, and running off to watch tv and surf the 'net (and doing some work, but not too much!) like the teenager I used to be ... it is really odd this lack of personal space - seems to wipe out my relationship with God as I know it (i.e. I'm not really praying, reading the Bible or thinking about stuff for myself) so what does that mean for someone who theoretically believes that being a Christian is not an individualistic enterprise, but should be about joining the body of Christ, being in community? does this mean I have totally the wrong model of spirituality to match this ideal? maybe so...

on a lighter note, Christmas has been fun, seen a lot more of both sides of the family than I often do at Christmas which is good and weird at the same time... and I've been happily watching much of what my new 'Return of the King' extended edition dvd has to offer - great stuff:)

We're all teenagers...

I've just stumbled across this fascinating article about the power of youth in an aging culture... I think the church, and especially the 'emerging' church movement has succumbed to this worldview fairly whole-heartedly... and I'm not sure this is a good thing! The writer says:

The turning point, of course, was the 1960s. Until then, young people were largely ignored in a culture that was determinedly and stiflingly middle-aged. A generation, who were brought up in very different conditions from those of their parents, rebelled in a way that remains unprecedented in western society.

Why is it unprecedented? What are we missing? (I'm not questioning that we've gained things) previous cultures really valued their elders, whereas I'm not even sure I know how to even listen properly to the wisdom of my elders anymore - I'm reading a book written in 1968 which is supposed to be a seminal work (Francis Schaeffer's The God Who Is There) and apart from the fact I only dimly understand some of it, I struggle to escape the attitude of 'this is so modernist, what can it possibly have to say to me?' ! Surely it will have something to say... after all I don't seem to have that problem with the Bible or the early church writers... hmmm - any comment?

happy/sad...

a dear friend of mine got engaged last week, and mostly I am so chuffed that he did, like you wouldn't believe...

but things like that also make me sad, 'cos changes like these has often meant losing things that are precious - and friendships have to be the most precious things to me... whilst this change wouldn't necessarily mean that we'll lose touch anymore than the fact that we will be leaving college and going off to different places, it just was a marker which made me reflect on leaving people behind, and how rubbish it is, and how I've done it too often, and how at the moment I don't have anyone (apart from the big G obviously) who'll stay with me - and that makes me sad... ho-hum!

Will I ever learn to thrive on change I wonder?! Does leaving people benefit me and them sometimes? It would be good to have some clue about the answers!

I'm not sure whether the fact that I'm visiting friends in Sheffield this coming weekend helps me or not... but I am very much looking forward to it:)

Humorously convicting...

I've just found this on Maggi Dawn's blog... and I'd just been musing to my friend Stevie J that I'm still struggling with my more conservative brothers and sisters in the Christian world... and also with those who disagree with me polictically... oh to be humble, and loving, and right too;) !

mutuality...

further to my previous post (thanks for the comments Pete and Jen, they really helped:)... I think what I've been edging towards for a long while is:

• learning to celebrate what is great about the opposite sex, to honour and respect men for who they are, not denigrate them for what they're not (which is where the wondering about giving them priority in leadership came from) ...
• at the same time (like Jen said) cherish what's fab about being a woman from the 'frivolous' to the 'deep' stuff, and not to sell myself short
  

it's all good, these difference that God has made:) ... perhaps that's another layer of meaning to that thing in the marriage service that says 'what God has joined let no one seperate'?!

well better get on with my 'worship' (i.e. liturgy) essay... ho-hum

oh boy, what to say?

For ages I've been trying and failing (and therefore deleting before publishing) to write a post on the whole man/woman communication/role deal... 'cos it is a deal - especially in this weird world of theological college, where there's a maximum of 1/3 of the students being female - a bit of an anomaly in my experience of life (my uni days was in a place where trainee teachers and occupational therapists ruled, and therefore there were loads more women there) ...

having been brought up in a 'post-feminist' environment, it's taken me a while to learn that actually there are differences between men and women that do matter (this lack of recognition of the difference as a child for example, meant that it never occurred to me that the adverts for the army didn't directly apply for me). Whether they should or not is really a different deal, but that's the way things are. And it's taken me a while to take and own the good things within 'traditional' feminine identity - not everything, but I think I hadn't been encouraged to take on some of the positive stuff of being a woman.

Of course being a woman in a traditionally male environment highlights this whole identity thing in a very particular way - despite my belief that the Bible does allow space for women to be leaders, it doesn't particularly help in providing models, and neither does much of the current church scene (traditional or emerging). I'm still not sure, and perhaps this is a dangerous thing to say, that there isn't some space for difference in the perceived priority of roles in which men and women lead and serve the church (i.e. that there are areas where men more usually take the lead) ... or maybe that's just because it's emotionally and culturally appropriate at the moment? I dunno, I really don't know what I'm talking about, I'm just trying to feel my way to the bottom of what the questions should be, nevermind the answers!

... and before you ask 1 sermon and 1 essay down, with a talk and 3 essays to go (I think the talk is written, now I just have to deliver it!) so things are looking up... tho i still wouldn't mind that extra day that Ande (see comments below) has been interceding for! And hi to Jen - I'm glad you like my 'blog... where's yours?!

tara for now;)

overloaded!!

Well, I keep thinking that I'll wait 'till I have something profound to post (it's not good reading too many blogs by people who are naturally articulate and thought-through - raises the bar way too high!) but actually that's never going to happen...

so instead I just want to say that THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH HOURS IN THE DAY!! (recover composure after embarrassing and unnecessary outburst) but really there aren't - this term at Wycliffe has been really fun, I've hung out with lots of nice people, been much more sociable than I was able to be last year. But as we approach the last 2 weeks of term I seem to have an all age sermon to give on Sunday (on being ready for the Second Coming as well...), an Alpha talk on 'how God guides us' to a bunch of sixth formers on Wednesday, and 4 essays to do.
How did that happen??!!

So actually I'm hoping for the Second Coming sooner rather than later! ... Although if I think about that a bit harder, perhaps not, I'm not sure that I am ready...

but if I'm even more silent than usual you'll know why, although blogging may become the next in a long line of procrastination techniques... watch this space (or not!)

an addition to my argument below... I think I nicked this off Jonny Baker's blog (see my random links list)

My heart cracks...

man, I haven't felt this stirred up about politics in a long time... and it's not even my own country - George W. winning over there is kinda what I expected, and to be frank I'm not sure how much good Kerry could have done... I guess we might have had a President (and as much as I'd like to think that the President of the US is just their business, it's not - they are the only superpower, and it affects us all) who didn't come across as so self-righteous and blind to other people's opinions and interests.

However the US has sucked us all in to such a mess in Iraq, the environment is getting more and more screwed up and yet there's no sign of anybody really seriously putting long term self interest before short term profit, the poor get poorer and the rich more screwed up... what can any one person, even the President of US really change, in any major way, about any of that?

What really breaks my heart tho' is what a massive divide this election has shown up, and there doesn't seem to be anyway of talking across it - both sides are so convinced they are right, that they are on the side of good and the other side are short sighted ignorant so-and-so's that there's no way of things changing. This is especially painful in the Christian world where 'evangelicals' in this country would also include in their major concerns the environment, justice for the poor and so on... whereas American 'evangelicals' seem obsessed with personal moral issues (which are, in my opinion, much more difficult to ask civil legislation to rule on) such as abortion, gay marriage and so on, over and above everything else - this includes American friends who live here - I find it so hard to talk to them about it, cos we don't even seem to be talking the same language!

I was going to say more, but I'm not sure I trust myself not to splutter with incoherent, misdirected rage at the way the world seems to be going...

Lord have mercy on us all!

remember, remember...

that life is good! I'm feeling really positive about life, the universe and everything at the moment, and I'm trying to write that down in as many places as possible, to come back to when the next turn of the wheel comes - that here on the 'mountain top' I can see things in their proper perspective (?) - to remind myself that I have some really good friends, that God loves me and that I'm part of some amazing communities.

It's not that there aren't things I'm struggling with - I'm still not brilliant at getting on top of the workload (but I'm not worrying about it quite so much), I still don't like being single (but I don't feel like a complete loser about it as I did a few months ago), I'm thinking through my faith, what it means to me and how much I really believe - how much of difference is it making to my life? And is there anything I can do to deepen my relationship with God? But I'm actually quite excited about that, despite the one step forward, two steps back progress I often make - after all having a better grasp on the fact that I can rely on God's love and faithfulness means it's not really about me, it's about discovering more of Him and His resources:)

I also came across this post about the temptations that become really strong when life is pants... wise words indeed... and on that note I shall stop, and try and think of rather more profound things to post next time!

ah-ha!

In a conversation with a wise friend yesterday I realised what I had been wittering on about in my previous post (which didn't publish properly so you couldn't comment on it even if you'd wanted to!!) basically boils down to a lack of faith, for 'faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see' (Hebrews 11:1). Which is actually hopeful, a signpost to listen out for what God's saying now and look back at what He's said in the past - since 'faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word of Christ.' (Romans 10:17)

being me...

You know, I can never believe that I'm 29, or even that I come over that way (people often tell me that they think I'm several years younger - should that be a compliment?). I think the thing is that I had expected to have made a few more decisions about who I am by now... somehow I get the message loud and clear from culture that this last decade of my life should have been the 'high point' of what makes me, me. It should have been what I'd been building up to for the previous 19 years and what I'll spend the rest of my life trying to recapture.

And yet it sure doesn't feel that way, I hardly feel like I've got started. I've bummed around in different places, doing lots of different jobs, getting little insights into different worlds and professions from doing stuff on the edges of them. But I don't think I've really got hold of the main stuff I think I could be good at, the music I really like, nor indeed the relationships that I'd like to carry with me for the rest of my life. Without any conscious need or intention to do so, I haven't lived in the same place for more than 3 years since I left home to go to University. Which has lots of consequence, including the ones I've just described.

Perhaps I'm not alone in my generation, still waiting to grow up and take responsibility... or perhaps I don't appreciate what I have done, been part of, learnt already, since 'it's only me', not easy to see as extraordinary... it's also interesting to see how much I've talked about me how the pressure is on to find an individual identity, rather than finding myself as part of something bigger. hmmm, enough already!

partially provoked by seeing The Motorcycle Diaries, getting a new haircut and having a tricky conversation with a friend yesterday... ;)

My brain is finite... but the mind of God is infinite..

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.

I have just finished two long essays (Church History, and the contemporary world) and am in the midst of what Wycliffe Hall likes to call an 'Integrated Study Week' (Birth and Baptism... with a lot more besides) ... and I am much relieved to know that:

a) God has given me a brain so that I can appreciate the many questions that are provoked by His existence and His creation...

b) That I am not expected to and cannot contain, or discover, all the answers to those questions, but that God does...

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say by that, except relief that humanity is not the peak of existence, if we are, then I'm pretty sure we are in trouble!

thoughts about community... and sunny days:)

This is great little reflection on community... and a real help for me to think about how I was feeling on Friday ... written by a guy I know vaguely through being in Sheffield...

Just to share a 'warm and fuzzy' (to counterbalance my tendency to blog when feeling rubbish) I'd just like to say that I've had a great day so far today ... up early, cup of tea, off for a swim at the new uni pool (30 lengths - new pb;), back for scrambled eggs for brekkie, sorted through stuff that has needed doing for ages, long lunch at the pub in the sunshine with hOMEies and my old friend Matt Rutter ... then Matt I went to go punting, but ended up with a big canoe... which was great ... nothing is lovelier than English rivers in the sunshine! More days like this please!!

I wish... I wish... Or do I?

Sigh... Trying to readjust to the high-pressure world of theological college (even though lectures don't start for another 3 weeks) - through the slightly odd medium of a New Wine Ordinands Conference here in Oxford - much good stuff, and feel the promise of much more good stuff from God - but oh how these things bring out all my insecurities in gloriously focused technicolour!!

It's the first time I've seen some of my fellow ordinands at Wycliffe for a while - and one of the first things they want to know is

'Did you a Have a Good Holiday?'

... and the answer is kind of complicated... in the sense that

'No, I did not Go Somewhere Sunny (because I find it hard to know who to go with/ would like to go with me... and some who said that would, didn't)... and Actually I was in Hospital for 6 Days because I had my Appendix Out and I've been Catching Up With Work and when you ask that, it feels like my 'holiday' has been A Bit of a Slog'

but also...

'Yes, as I had a lovely time catching up with my family for a few days in Devon (I nearly said heaven!) and I went to New Wine A - where I enjoyed the camping and (shock, horror) quite a few of the talks, and I had ten days in Sheffield housesitting - I really enjoyed having somewhere to have people round, and catching up with friends in a chilled out way, and going to the Peak District, and joining the Order of Mission which holds lots of possibilities for the future (mine and the Church's!)... but... that's not so concrete, is it?'

Holidays often feel like a bit of pressure to me to Have a Good Time and Chill Out... it's strange isn't it? But that's How It Is... 'cos holidays have become the obligatory high point of years where we only work under sufferance, and kicking back is What It's All About... maybe I'm coming over all bitter and twisted about this 'cos there's lots of letting go (I originally said work!) I'd like to do, about being secure enough in all that God has made me and share it with other people... actually, sometimes I am... but at the moment it feels like mostly I'm not... guess it does have to be worked through - find out what's going on underneath!

There remains, then, a Sabbath-rest for the people of God; for anyone who enters God's rest also rests from his own work, just as God did from his. Let us, therefore, make every effort to enter that rest, so that no one will fall by following their example of disobedience. Hebrews 4: 9-11

Perhaps we need to 'make every effort' (!) to live in that rest body, mind and spirit!