being me...

You know, I can never believe that I'm 29, or even that I come over that way (people often tell me that they think I'm several years younger - should that be a compliment?). I think the thing is that I had expected to have made a few more decisions about who I am by now... somehow I get the message loud and clear from culture that this last decade of my life should have been the 'high point' of what makes me, me. It should have been what I'd been building up to for the previous 19 years and what I'll spend the rest of my life trying to recapture.

And yet it sure doesn't feel that way, I hardly feel like I've got started. I've bummed around in different places, doing lots of different jobs, getting little insights into different worlds and professions from doing stuff on the edges of them. But I don't think I've really got hold of the main stuff I think I could be good at, the music I really like, nor indeed the relationships that I'd like to carry with me for the rest of my life. Without any conscious need or intention to do so, I haven't lived in the same place for more than 3 years since I left home to go to University. Which has lots of consequence, including the ones I've just described.

Perhaps I'm not alone in my generation, still waiting to grow up and take responsibility... or perhaps I don't appreciate what I have done, been part of, learnt already, since 'it's only me', not easy to see as extraordinary... it's also interesting to see how much I've talked about me how the pressure is on to find an individual identity, rather than finding myself as part of something bigger. hmmm, enough already!

partially provoked by seeing The Motorcycle Diaries, getting a new haircut and having a tricky conversation with a friend yesterday... ;)

My brain is finite... but the mind of God is infinite..

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.

I have just finished two long essays (Church History, and the contemporary world) and am in the midst of what Wycliffe Hall likes to call an 'Integrated Study Week' (Birth and Baptism... with a lot more besides) ... and I am much relieved to know that:

a) God has given me a brain so that I can appreciate the many questions that are provoked by His existence and His creation...

b) That I am not expected to and cannot contain, or discover, all the answers to those questions, but that God does...

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say by that, except relief that humanity is not the peak of existence, if we are, then I'm pretty sure we are in trouble!

thoughts about community... and sunny days:)

This is great little reflection on community... and a real help for me to think about how I was feeling on Friday ... written by a guy I know vaguely through being in Sheffield...

Just to share a 'warm and fuzzy' (to counterbalance my tendency to blog when feeling rubbish) I'd just like to say that I've had a great day so far today ... up early, cup of tea, off for a swim at the new uni pool (30 lengths - new pb;), back for scrambled eggs for brekkie, sorted through stuff that has needed doing for ages, long lunch at the pub in the sunshine with hOMEies and my old friend Matt Rutter ... then Matt I went to go punting, but ended up with a big canoe... which was great ... nothing is lovelier than English rivers in the sunshine! More days like this please!!

I wish... I wish... Or do I?

Sigh... Trying to readjust to the high-pressure world of theological college (even though lectures don't start for another 3 weeks) - through the slightly odd medium of a New Wine Ordinands Conference here in Oxford - much good stuff, and feel the promise of much more good stuff from God - but oh how these things bring out all my insecurities in gloriously focused technicolour!!

It's the first time I've seen some of my fellow ordinands at Wycliffe for a while - and one of the first things they want to know is

'Did you a Have a Good Holiday?'

... and the answer is kind of complicated... in the sense that

'No, I did not Go Somewhere Sunny (because I find it hard to know who to go with/ would like to go with me... and some who said that would, didn't)... and Actually I was in Hospital for 6 Days because I had my Appendix Out and I've been Catching Up With Work and when you ask that, it feels like my 'holiday' has been A Bit of a Slog'

but also...

'Yes, as I had a lovely time catching up with my family for a few days in Devon (I nearly said heaven!) and I went to New Wine A - where I enjoyed the camping and (shock, horror) quite a few of the talks, and I had ten days in Sheffield housesitting - I really enjoyed having somewhere to have people round, and catching up with friends in a chilled out way, and going to the Peak District, and joining the Order of Mission which holds lots of possibilities for the future (mine and the Church's!)... but... that's not so concrete, is it?'

Holidays often feel like a bit of pressure to me to Have a Good Time and Chill Out... it's strange isn't it? But that's How It Is... 'cos holidays have become the obligatory high point of years where we only work under sufferance, and kicking back is What It's All About... maybe I'm coming over all bitter and twisted about this 'cos there's lots of letting go (I originally said work!) I'd like to do, about being secure enough in all that God has made me and share it with other people... actually, sometimes I am... but at the moment it feels like mostly I'm not... guess it does have to be worked through - find out what's going on underneath!

There remains, then, a Sabbath-rest for the people of God; for anyone who enters God's rest also rests from his own work, just as God did from his. Let us, therefore, make every effort to enter that rest, so that no one will fall by following their example of disobedience. Hebrews 4: 9-11

Perhaps we need to 'make every effort' (!) to live in that rest body, mind and spirit!

this is hilarious...

of all the 'personality' tests on the internet this makes me grin the most!


20 Questions to a Better Personality

Wackiness: 16/100
Rationality: 16/100
Constructiveness: 16/
100Leadership: 4/100

You are a SEDF--Sober Emotional Destructive Follower. This makes you an Evil Genius.You are extremely focused and difficult to distract from your tasks. With luck, you have learned to channel your energies into improving your intellect, rather than destroying the weak and unsuspecting.Your friends may find you remote and a hard nut to crack. Few of your peers know you very well--even those you have known a long time--because you have expert control of the face you put forth to the world. You prefer to observe, calculate, discern and decide. Your decisions are final, and your desire to be right is impenetrable.You are not to be messed with. You may explode.
Of the 10595 people who have taken this quiz since tracking began (8/17/2004), 13.7 % are this type.

treasure?

this got me thinking (click on the post's title)... do I treasure what I have enough to give it away?... or is it so unappreciated that I don't know what has a hold on me? hmmm

anyhow this is the front page of the site... Sacred Space - the prayer site run by the Irish Jesuits

Absence makes the heart grow fonder?

Well, well, been away long time... been poorly sick (as my friend Ema would say) - two days after long absent parents return to the country, they have to rush me into their local hospital for what turned out to be an emergency op. to remove a rather icky appendix... 

I think all and sundry are hoping this is the end to a year of unprecedented ill-health for me. It's been proper frustrating! However when all's said and done I am almost completely better - just lacking a bit of oomph on the energy front... even that seems to be getting better every day! (am on iron tablets for anemia:)

What slightly worries me about being ill is that so much of what I consider to be 'me' seems to disappear. I talk to God only occasionaly, I'm really antisocial and I find it really difficult to care for myself or others... in some ways fair enough, but in others - especially the God thing - how on earth can I say that this is a fundamental part of me when it flees away so easily and almost without me noticing?
Of course the other possibility is that because I've related to God for all my life I don't actually know what it feels like to be totally without Him, what actually disappears is the religion that I put on top!! Certainly I always knew everything was going to be OK one way or the other, and wasn't worried about stuff in ways I'm sure many people are. Hmmm...

Talking of absence, having both my parents and my 'little' brother back in the country for a short while has made me realise (despite instant bickering on the way home from the airport!!) how much they are part of me and whole I feel when they are around. Not in any dramatic way, it just 'is', much in the way that grass 'is' green and it would only be noticeable if it wasn't ... they're great:) I feel privileged to be part of such a family. The next puzzle is how to lay hold of and give away the best of what I've been given through it!
 

frankly?

Recently I've been having a bit of a dilemma about what to post here, because I know that friends, and strangers (from time to time;), who read this are coming from completely different places spiritually (even if I don't what those places are...) and thinking about it, that's true of those who hear what I say I the 'real' world too...

so how much do I say about what I'm thinking about matters 'internal' to the church ... there's lots of blogs out there that are quite interesting to church geeks like me;) (which could be both incomprehensible and dull to those who couldn't give a monkeys)?

And how much do I need to say about 'what I'm doing/where I've been' (which, frankly, could be quite unnecessary and dull to all concerned ;)? although that was the reason for setting up a blog in the first place, to dispense with the need for emailing out newsletters too often...

I think you might all have to put up with general musings on other 'stuff'...

And if I don't talk a little about these things to all of my friends and acquaintances how honest am I being?
Of course there are levels of things that are appropriate to say, and sometimes I'm a bit too open with the wrong people, at the wrong time, 'cos I worry about not being 'honest'! (sigh, it's hard work being me!!)
But I think we should at least share a sniff of what else we are in other situations too, otherwise integrity (a universally valued commodity!) can easily slip away...

hmmm 'answers' on comments please;)

Several and various good things...

had people round for dinner for the first time (my good friends Steve, Rob & Steph, & flatmate Nat) last night - good to realise that I can do this, even if we eat from plates on our knees in my bedroom/study! Can't see me ever feeling comfortable with inviting people who have 'proper' houses round tho'... oh the joys of being a single ordinand!

I feel like I've turned a corner with the whole loneliness thing - something I've been struggling with quite a lot this year. It seems to be like fog - suddenly appears and blankets everything, distancing me from everyone around and then slips away gradually without me noticing... it's made me realise tho' that it's often more of a state of mind, rather than directly linked to the 'real-life' situation I'm in (although that obviously has some bearing on it!)

I went with a couple of other people from Wycliffe, to a conference in London (Kensington v. posh!) called 'mission-shaped church' on Wednesday. It was about changing ways of doing church/ church planting within the Church of England - really encouraging on lots of levels, just a few quotable points were:

* don't try to be relevant, focus on relationships and you will be!
* Jesus didn't set out to found the institution of the church, but nor did it happen by accident - church is the event which happens when we encounter Jesus (from the Archbishop's address)
* church should look more and more like a taste of the new heaven and earth..

I think the most exciting thing was the level of encouragement from the Archbishop and other Bishops to be creative about how to do church... we don't have to do this 'on the sly':)

Noticeable by His absence...

One of the things I've been doing recently is reading some blogs of people involved in doing church 'new' ways ... and I'm kind of disappointed (or maybe I haven't been logging on often enough;), ... there's lots of interesting discussion about what we do and what we think about it. They are, of course, discussions and ideas that need to be shared, but that's not what I care about the most when doing/being church, any kind of style of church ...

What I am excited about is that we get to be disciples of Jesus, to enter his presence without fear, to be transformed into the people we were meant to be, to tell people that they are loved and wanted no matter what (that's what I love the most about being a Christian, getting to love people like God does:).. and that's what I really want to hear about when people are doing new kinds of church - is the creativity and freshness of 'emerging church' releasing people to be more effective disciples? are we enabled to be more generous and Spirit filled? ultimately is it a place where we meet God in an even deeper way? if so I want to catch some of that!
I don't care, really, what the church does or what it looks like if not... I guess testimonies are hard to write without seeming super-spiritual, but surely it must be possible? well I guess if it's possible I'd better start looking around me too;)

clearly procrastinating now (avoiding writing a long overdue essay on Luther!)... picked a new template - quite like it, trying to go for that 'old book' look to match the chronicles theme - however since i blog purely through guess work have lost a few features... nothing too drastic I hope!

any feedback on the profile (by those who know me!!) would be great - not sure this really reflects me, but couldn't put my finger on more than what i'm doing at the moment to be able to put it down into words!

btw hello Elaine Storkey (one of my tutors) I found out the other day she's read my blog a couple of times... scary!

so Trinity Term and my first year at Wycliffe is over ... craziness! In some ways it has sped past, but in other ways I struggle to remember life outside this bubble or imagine life after it.
Quite scary saying goodbye to all those who are going on to curacies right now - moving fully into the whole life vocation that ordination is i.e. living in goldfish bowl! I guess i'm still trying to imagine what kind of place i want to go to and how on earth i'd cope with doing it on my own (i'd really rather not) - anywhere God's on the move and i can join in would be good;)
I watched the film 'The Mission' the other day for the first time - beautiful and thought provoking ... as a subsidary reflction, i could really see for the first time when i looked at the Jesuit priests why being single can really be an advantage when you are trying to take a stand for things that are right and will put you in danger... very challenging. Anyhow a great film with a great soundtrack!

hello, hello!

thanks to all who commented - good to know i'm not just talking to myself... carry on commenting;)

well been quite enjoying myself recently - we had a college ball, which was actually great fun, really well organised, lots of people and i didn't run away (or even want to) - which is often my reaction to these things.

the sunny weather definitely helps cheeriness ratings, as does good chats with lots of lovely people at Wycliffe - i do like this place... even if lacks the perfection of being in Sheffield and Oxford at the same time!!

second lot of sermons coming up on Sunday, so that should be fun, especially as i've had a lot more recent experience of speaking than i did last time round!

am actually looking forward to summer hols now - short trip to Italy, family holiday in Devon and probably a couple of weeks in Sheff at the end of August... must remember to do my essays too!

....and finally, as originally identified on my trip to South Carolina, USA

I am 92.5% British, just like
HRH Prince Charles
Though you'll never be king you certainly know where your castle is.

Take the Brit Quiz at
darrenlondon.tripod.com/britquiz1.htm


just in case you hadn't guessed!

just received 'complaint' about lack of posting from me ... well it's nice to know somebody reads it (hi wendy;)... please do comment if you visit even if just to say 'hello' then i know i'm not just being self indulgent...

that said what shall i tell y'all now? well i went to the 'big [poetry] slam' on sunday which was awesome - just amazing collection of funny poignant angry beautiful poets and poetry, tho' there were a few quite aggresively against Christianity, but i came to the conclusion that it's good to be offended once in a while and check out why that is and whether you should be! the 'old-hands' won the competition - the USA team (where slams began) .. check out this link about Taylor Mali their 'top' poet (against Oxford, London and Birmingham - was sorry not to hear more from Brum there was some particularly top guys on that team) also went to say 'hi' to Steve Larkin, one of the Oxford comperes, who i had heard quoted my previous entry on the many merits of the 'hammer and tongue' evening at another event ... i sometimes forget this is the public domain!! but anyhow, a top bloke :) i'm looking forward to the next time i can go already...

other than that? well trying, but largely failing, to work ... too busy doing other stuff and sunnyness outside isn't helping either ... also wondering how to arrange my summer ... 14 scary weeks off (term ends on 18th June!!) - anybody want to go travellin?! tho am really looking forward to Mum and Dad being back in the country after their 6 months in Bangladesh with Interserve.. and I'll get to see David (little bruvver) and his 'new' Kenyan girlfriend Monica too :) while he is back from Kenya/ Sudan!

well i know it's been awhile - i've been busy revising for my first two exams in 8 years - Old and New Testament... whilst i don't really have a clue how the exams went, the revision was good - finally things, important things like the history of Israel and how fits in with the rest of the world, has begun to fall into place - so i guess as long as i pass these exams the point of having them - learning your stuff - has already been achieved for me:) which is nice.

other than that the shortest term is already in its 3rd of 8 weeks - very scary!! then i will have something ridiculous like 14 weeks holiday to fill ... i do have 2 long essays to do but i'm not planning to fill all those weeks with work!! so any suggestions gratefully received - [jargon alert...] New Wine A is the only thing booked in so far - going with peeps from 'hOME' church here in Oxford - they're gonna be involved in leading some funky dance/chill-out style worship as part of the emerging church stream... [jargon over]

tonight our fellowship group i'm in played croquet and drank pimms on the lawn... a fun attempt at being a proper Oxford college!

so today has been a good day - i even enjoyed the first day of our 'Sex and Marriage' Integrated Study Week:) we got to run thru how to take a wedding service... be afraid, very afraid!! (don't worry we do get more training on that before we are let loose!!) generally tho (and i guess that's why i haven't been posting.. aside from the revision excuse) i've been quite up and down emotionally struggling with feelings of loneliness - doesn't always seem to connect with my situation logically but there you go!
got a new Spiritual Director tho' who really 'gets' me and is very wise too:) hoorah!

gosh i have been saving a lot up haven't i? and i thought i didn't have anything to say!!

New Wine Ordinands conference in Nottingham yesterday - v good just to be prayed for and tho' "through the glass darkly" to re-connect with God again, to take decisions as I'm being prayed for to trust Him rather than go 'yeah, whatever' - which is what i do to almost anything positive that comes my way whether from Jesus or from even my dearest friends...

today i read the book we got given about John Wimber (a v cool chilled out American pastor who founded a worldwide movement for those of you who don't know;) which has been v refreshing and challenging by turns - what really got me was his focus on what Jesus wanted and that he really didn't get the insecure competitive/comparing thing - something I often struggle with. It just brought home to me that God calls me to serve him as me, and become more like the me he designed me to be - not anyone else - however much I admire them! I so want to learn this lesson and not have to keep re-taking it!! Lots of prayer and repentence I guess:)

back again... after another foray away from Oxford

this time on a college 'mission' to Cheltenham - tiring, confusing and by turns discouraging and encouraging... but good to see three different churches in action and seeing people encouraged in sharing their faith and in hearing a bit more about it .. will reflect more on it some time soon.

but good to be back in my own space again!

ahhh am home, (back in Oxford... it's nice to know that this is my home for now, a place where i feel safe:) Sheffield was great tho' - I didn't see everybody which is slightly distressing in one sense, ('cos I love you all!) but also good as well - in that I got to spend some quality time with people who i love dearly - I feel v blessed to know such amazing people... it really is a privilege! to hear how God is moving in their lives and to chat through with them how i am and get their wisdom just really refreshing!

also the Lent-style stripped-down acoustic worship at the 6pm evening service at St Thom's was great... i do love that church:)

a new experience was having a car in Sheff - kept getting slightly misdirected... knew where i was but wasn't where i wanted to be! the responsibility of having such a powerful and expensive thing under my care was a bit stressful actually ... i'm sure i'll get used to it... although the abysmal M1 did not help either way! not sure what says about me and responsibilty, if anything!

This week at college we are taking an intensive look at Christian youth and children’s work in and out of church, which has been very inspiring … what I’m wondering is if (as has been persuasively put) all generations are part of the family of God, and we lose out if we don’t give and receive from each other within this … then how do we justify single generational church like hOME?

I really miss having kids around and the blessing they are… and also, as we talked about at hOME last week, the ‘wise old-heads’ for wisdom and experience… I know it’s harder work, but it is often worth it!

I guess if I process what I’ve found the most valuable thing I’ve found about being in a group of just my own generation is a chance to find and express my own identity in worship. Often in cross generational church we go for the inoffensive middle which doesn’t allow that … I’ve seen so much creativity in em gen church – which is so God as far as I’m concerned! Can you do candles and dance music with kids? possibly… With older people? probably not!! gotta serve?

BUT I have been really blessed by children in the past and I loved growing up as a kid in church of all ages – being part of a bigger family than just my biological family and feeling that sense of belonging. So I’d love to be part of giving and sharing that with another generation of children… get this 72% of people who come to faith through the Alpha course in the UK, had some kind of contact with the church as children… what about the children of this generation only 4% of whom have any meaningful contact with church?!

well just been to the hammer and tongue 'poetry slam' at the (absolutely packed) 'brickworks' on the Cowley Road in Oxford (the more interesting bit of Oxford for those of you up norf;) with my small group/huddle/mission expression of hOME . The poetry slam was v. cool - there was a couple of black poets from NYC on tour (apparently poetry slams are huge over there) who were amazing - funny, angry, 'paranoid' and gracious and then some local non-professional poets who were entering the 'slam'.

The place was just full of such a cool bunch of really diverse people black, white, young, old, a goodly smattering of eco-warrior/hippy types (I think if I hadn't been so heavily committed to the church for my entire life I would have gone and joined these people at the eco-demonstrations/ parties/ protests) it was great... especially since I spend most of my time with (lovely:) white middle class ordinands! people were just being friendly, encouraging to these v cool poets, who were raw, funny and 'conscious' - doing community and protest (next time it's in aid of fair trade/ anti corporate/ stopping climate change I am definitely going back! I wish the church was much more like that.... I am very excited tho' that I've been (re)introduced to this world, especially when so much of my training is so mono-cultural!
When people become Christians do we expect them to fit in with our culture? often i think!

just followed one of the ad's at the top of my blog to find this ohmiword!