Chronicles of Naomi

more strange and more true

2008-03-21T16:12:00.002Z

so it's been a long while hey? i doubt anyone bothers to check in anymore, but if perchance you have, welcome to a little ramble round what I've been thinking about Jesus recently...
...here's the thing, the more i consider Jesus and how he appeared on earth, the more strange he seems to be - recently in church we've been watching a DVD which re-enacts Matthew's gospel, using only the words of the NIV translation... and while, by restricting itself to these words, it makes an awkward script (since the disciples' side of Jesus' teaching dialogues aren't recorded very often in the gospels), it certainly brings home to me to how utterly abrasive Jesus is, and must have been in 1st century Israel, if he wasn't God, then his sanity must inevitably be questioned! It's no wonder they ended up either being part of crucifying him, or worshipping him - there's no real alternative to those options...
... and, here he is being worshipped 2000 years later, and I find myself in tears in front of the Good Friday congregation trying to pray the words of the Good Friday collect:

Almighty Father,
look with mercy on this your family
for which our Lord Jesus Christ was content to be betrayed
and given up into the hands of sinners
and to suffer death upon the cross;
who is alive and glorified with you and the Holy Spirit,
one God, now and for ever.

more strange and more true with every passing year...

Pakistan, ordination, first communion...

2007-07-06T16:17:00.001+01:00

Pakistan was amazing - see flickr for documentary evidence... i just wish i had had more time to spend in the mountains... still glad i don't live there anymore, even thought the atmosphere around Karimabad (in the mountains) was much more chilled out than any other area of the country I ever been to...

... mad rush into ordination rehearsal, retreat and service... which was ok... not sure what to think of it really!

as for the first communion i celebrated... I had my parents and my aunt staying over, so one of my priorities on Sunday morning was making sure they were fed and watered, since I had already taken care to defrost 4 specially reserved slices of homemade bread for communion and they were ready to go…

However having arrived at church nice and early to get ready it suddenly dawned on me that I left said slices of bread in the kitchen at home ( a 10 minute walk from church) so having commandeered a mobile phone (mine was still at home) I rang back home… my Dad picks up the phone and I direct him to where I’d left the bread… he says ‘nothing there’… and I hear mum’s voice in the background saying ‘we’ve eaten it!’!!!!!!!!!! in the end they found some more bread at home and the youth worker, seeing the look of panic on my face also rushed out for a loaf… so in the end I had enough bread to share communion with the 5000 or thereabouts (if I had decided to consecrate it all obviously!)

The service itself went pretty smoothly considering the pre-service panic! Indeed some were complimentry… which merely proves there is a God and he’s gracious!

Off to Pakistan

2007-06-11T11:37:00.000+01:00

Well, having said 10 years ago that I would love to go back and visit the mountains of Pakistan... without much effort on my part my wish is coming true, and tomorrow I am off to Islamabad where my parents (who have been houseparents to 15 teenage boys at Murree Christian School for a year) will meet me, and after catching up and chilling we are off to the wilds of Gilgit and perhaps to Sost and beyond to the Pakistan/China border!
also helps me escape the clutches of Facebook... I can't believe I've given in!

Easter = resurrection!

2007-04-21T10:31:00.000+01:00

after leaving up that gloomy post for ages, i feel duty bound to say that things have been looking up recently - indeed one might say God's resurrection power has been at work! Easter Sunday evening i preached and helped to baptise seven guys by full immersion - definitely one of the highlights of my job!!
feeling quite challenged about my future-thinking but i guess since God's brought it up, he'll be showing me how to go about it!!
other than that I'm reading a biography of William Wilberforce which is proving fascinating to a history geek like me - he was an amazing and very likeable man! I have a feeling he has a lot to teach me!

feelin' a bit flat...

2007-03-13T19:34:00.000Z

just feeling a bit jaded really, doesn't feel like there's a lot of the 'anointing' around at the moment... i think i lost my rhythm of life a bit, not a lot of spiritual rest and reflection built in, and not sure how to make it happen...
or maybe it's just because it's that time of the month, and the aches and pains etc mean i feel a bit out of sorts...
ho-hum

back from France

2007-03-05T21:04:00.000Z

well, I have experienced my first French wedding... and they are long and, unsurprisingly in French - a language which I gave up for German at 14 (which I also don't speak) which wouldn't have been quite so bad, if I hadn't been absolutely exhausted already (and I'd like to say sickening for a proper head-cold) - man I'm grumpy when I'm tired... I feel like I can't handle tiredness like other people seem to - I just get selfish and desperate for sleep... however despite that having been there (and I'm still glad I went 'cos my friend, who was the bride, is so lovely and so appreciated Val and I going) I can appreciate all the cool things after the event, not during it, an irritating and yet redeeming feature in my life...

it's that time of the month again...

2007-02-20T13:05:00.000Z

... when i realise i have posted in ages! sorry about that...
well, things are generally going good here, although i am at that stage where time with God of a morning is coming under severe pressure, due to inability to get out of bed and the fact that my Bible reading notes are wading through Joshua... which seems a bit bloodthirsty, and the notes writer doesn't seem to have noticed, or give any kind of recognition that 21st century sensibilities might find it a bit difficult... and 8am is not the time to be digging around commentaries... hmmm.
so, yeah, if you pray about that kind of thing pray for a new lease of life in time with God!

other than that, generally feeling more confident about the day-to-day life of being a curate, although as is my wont i am less confident about how to stay in touch with the big picture and how to gather vision... interesting times all the same!

procrastination

2007-01-17T14:20:00.000Z

don't worry about yesterday, for each day has enough trouble of its own

2007-01-05T14:34:00.000Z

Somehow, this new year, I seem to have come up with quite a few resolutions, almost entirely accidently (like learn some French by March - as I'm going to a wedding in la belle France, and I don't want to be the only who doesn't have a clue what's going on!) and maybe take up some spiritual disciplines with faith and hope that God will show me something new.

But probably the most important one is to spend more emotional energy on the now and the future than on the past, which has been my habit.
In other words I need to spend a whole heap less time on counting my wounds and missed opportunities, and a whole heap more on accepting I've been forgiven and have forgiven others, on celebrating my healing and grabbing the opportunities that lie ahead... an especially important resolution in a newish job and home... I have been particularly inspired by beginning to be a mentor for a young person who has loads going for her, and I don't want to waste time thinking 'I wish it had been like that for me', but to enjoy seeing her bloom in the here and now, and being blessed by the fact that God can use even me to be a blessing to her.

So there you go, something to remind me of from time to time!

back from the US of A

2006-12-06T13:16:00.000Z

had a great time with Rob and Steph, and Steve and Rachael (who flew out with me) if you want to see the photos just click on the Flickr thing on the left... Myrtle Beach is pretty surreal place!

and now it's Christmas all of a sudden... life is rather full - services to organise for this year and the next, presents to buy and the bathroom is being ripped out as well! woo-hoo... still I'm glad to say that coming back to Northampton, did feel like coming home:)

s'been loooong time no speak no?

2006-11-10T20:26:00.000Z

so been assiduously reading other people's blogs, but not feeling too inspired to write much myself - just been taking the temperature re: my new job... and it's pretty good, but it takes up a LOT of brain space - hence no blogging!

so, what have i been up to? well, i've joined a gym - which much to my surprise i'm really quite enjoying, and so far I've been going fairly regularly... apparently I've even lost some weight - I'm so cynical about these things, that i didn't really expect it! but that and signing up for some personal trainer sessions have been really motivating...

I've also had a few visitors, which has been really nice and I have taken at least one of them to see one of my favourite things about Northampton - and enthused to everbody else about it! a little odd perhaps, I'm just pleased that these Christians saw the light on healthy eating, and eco responsibilty long before it became fashionable! (am also loving the countryside round here, Becky T and I did a great walk round Castle Ashby last weekend).

other than that, well i'm enjoying being a curate, but although in some ways i feel like i've reached and enjoying a goal that i've been heading towards for a long time, that there's still some deep changes in identity on the horizon - how do i cope with people seeing me as a leader/clergywoman/curate - do i hide it or big it up? neither seems right to me, but i'm not sure how to find a happy medium... what is a leader after all? how do i really become one?!

off to see Rob and Steph in the States in less than two weeks time (woo-hoo!!) but in the mean time am letting Mal loose on the evening congregation at St Giles... really not sure what the result will be!!

a new pass-time...

2006-09-09T12:11:00.000+01:00

so this is the boat i slid out of on Bank Holiday Monday... (it was v gusty and i was steering!!) certainly took my breath away and I ached for days afterwards because i've no upper body strength for hauling myself back in!

and this is where me and two colleagues puttered round the resevoir in very light winds... and i gave them a few scares by turning the boat in the wrong direction when tacking!! (oh the joy of being a learner...) I think it's good for me, because i'm a physical coward most of the time and hate looking foolish - so there's plenty of scope for challenging both whilst sailing!!

D2-ish

2006-08-18T17:23:00.000+01:00

so, feeling a bit hormonally-challenged last two days, plus the kick back of delivering my last sermon v badly and having to lead the morning service next two weeks with the vicar on holiday... its times like this I miss having my close friends and family around...

talking of which, Mum and Dad finally arrived in Pakistan today to be houseparents to 5 teenage boys (!) at Murree Christian Schoo l for 10 months... thankfully they can come back for my first Christmas here and I will go out and join them for a bit of a holiday before I'm priested in June next year... funny though, them being that far away, I think with Skype it should be better than when they were in Bangladesh for 6 months a couple of years ago...

St Giles, Northampton and all that jazz...

2006-07-26T17:18:00.000+01:00

as promised, some photos of 'where I am' ...

here you see they are pretty quick off the mark at St Giles and have already got my name on the noticeboard... very scary and official looking!

and this is the house and my first car... worryingly grown up I think!

and a photo of the church building itself... complete with parishoner leaving after the Sunday morning service!!

Flickr photos...

2006-07-21T12:13:00.000+01:00

I'm hoping following the link will take you to my Spain photies... please excuse the fact they are called 'Christmas...' I did the set up wrong when I got given the camera at, you guessed it, Christmas!

Enjoy!

on-line, plugged in, rev'd up!

2006-07-19T13:00:00.000+01:00

hello to all my fans out there, you'll be pleased to know that I am now plugged into broadband again... even though the rest of my life is not yet sorted... (desk and dining room table & chairs proving especially elusive - either in bits (desk) or on order (table and chairs).

anyhow despite icky health over the last few weeks, I did manage to get ordained:

and wriggled out of v hot clothing asap to show I'm still 'normal' underneath - my friends, family and godparents came to support me:)

more pictures from St Giles and Northampton will follow when the study is more sorted and i can upload them!

last post... for a while!

2006-06-19T13:12:00.000+01:00

so, back from the hot and beautiful Spain... now packing up and tomorrow I move to Northampton!

Not sure when I'll be back on line again... no more 100MB Oxford Uni connection, and nothing to replace it set up yet...

A garden court in the Alhambra palace, Granada

saying goodbye to Oxford...

2006-06-08T17:58:00.000+01:00

only a few more days left - Sunday was my last one at hOME, just had the leaver's quiet day, Commissioning Day tomorrow - it all seems a bit unreal... especially since I go on holiday to Spain on Sunday and then come back and leave for Northampton on Tuesday 20th June. V strange, but I take lots of good memories and more importantly, friendships with me - I'm looking forward to keeping in touch with all my class, seeing where they end up etc etc, and I'm especially looking forward to hanging out with my leaver's cell (the beautiful people in the picture) 4 times a year or so - a good crew!

Photos from my travels this weekend:

2006-06-05T14:20:00.000+01:00

first I went to see the Bishop of Peterborough in his Palace (that's not just a technical term - it really is a palace!) - he's going to be ordaining me on 2nd July in Peterborough Cathedral, hopefully in better weather than there was on Thursday:
Then after leaving Peterborough that afternoon I went to stay with Val in her and Kiralee's beautiful house, on Friday, I off went to Alex and Katell's wedding just outside Sheffield (in it's only Michelin starred hotel, The Old Vicarage) where there was lots and lots of yummy food!

Then on Saturday, after a pub lunch with Ruth Deller, Andy and Gill Weir, Val, and Rachel Hall we walked round the Damflask Resevoir, stopping at Low Bradfield to buy ice cream and watch a bit of the village cricket! The sky was so blue and the temperature so perfect that it was hard to believe we were still in England...

On Sunday I went down to Northampton, went to church and then met up with Emma to look at our new house with David the vicar to see what needs doing to it before we move in two weeks tomorrow!! I forgot to take photos at that point such was the excitement... next time perhaps!

Rather tired now...

a marathon, not a sprint?

2006-05-21T23:00:00.000+01:00

well, tonight's service at hOME was really helpful for me in many ways - firstly in the worship, which I entered very aware of my own weakness (I really disappointed myself today - nothing major, but not something I could pretend was OK either!) and God's love and grace, and my need for them, became very evident to me... again, which was truly, deeply lovely.

secondly as Kyle was talking about John 15:9-17, it struck me that I have always thought that my Christian life is about progress and that I will get better at it. But being a Christian is fundamentally about a relationship with God, not a skill set. Relationships, like the vine and its branches, not only grow, but they also get pruned - and as they go on get more difficult and costly not less, because they bring up in you not only the nice stuff that you set out at the beginning, but if they are to be real there will also be hard times and hard things to face - which isn't progress so much as depth. That is so releasing, that as a Christian I will continue to learn and fail to learn, and practise and fail to practise what it entails, for my entire life - I will never be an expert who never gets things wrong...

So, resolution, leave behind 'modernist' values of 'progress' and embrace relationship with God - hooray!

the far side...

2006-05-11T09:44:00.000+01:00

...of exams, and essays, and any more academic work at Oxford!! Hoorah!! It's a miracle - I had no idea how I was going to get everything done and it happened - Praise God!

So it's now just over a week since I did my last exam ever at Wycliffe, and while I didn't exactly give my greatest performance in exams (that may be an understatement...) and I am now learning the ropes of a whole new existence without the pressure of academic work hanging over me and also radically disconnecting with life in Oxford. It's taking a while, for example yesterday was really the first day I did nice things that I wanted to do and didn't do any admin ... it was lovely! I had coffee with Matt - we sat outside in the garden of the University Church cafe for a couple of hours, and then I had a picnic lunch with my old flatmate Tracy in the University Parks watching the cricket and then my friend Ruth, who is training to be a Baptist Minister at Regent's Park College, just down the road, picked me up for my first great shopping expedition in 6 months or so - my wardrobe really needed it ... we had a lovely road-trip to Reading, and never made it outside the Oracle where one of my favourite chains, Kew, has a nice big store... but with Ruth's help I did pretty well! Then after a meal together we headed back to Oxford and I rounded the day off by watching The Incredibles on DVD with my current flatmate, Kate! hooray!

and of course the rest of the time I have been busy making lists of things I need for the new house, co-ordinating my move, and looking forward to the Leaver's programme (which starts next week) and also my week's walking holiday in Spain when I finish here and before I go to Northampton!

So lot's of positives which I want to make the most of, but it must be said that emotionally and spiritually it is a funny time with lots of ups and downs and general disorientation...

accidie?

2006-04-20T23:32:00.000+01:00

'A state of lethargy attested by monks, especially hermits, engaged in intense spiritual warfare. The word derives from the Greek akedia, which means weariness... the concept is little understood today and does not figure in most manuals of Christian spirituality. Accidie was defined by Nilus of Ancyra (died c.430 AD) as a weariness of the soul, rendering it incapable of having spiritual interests and unable to resist temptations (De octo spiritbus malitae 13).
Its earliest exponent was Evagrius of Pontus (346-99 AD) who contrasted it with 'patience' and linked it to the concept of the midday plague or 'demon' (Psalm 91:6) because its pressure was most keenly felt in the midday heat. Accidie would tempt the monk to abandon his devotions, and sometimes even his calling itself... The main cure for accidie are given as hard labour, constant prayer and contemplation of the nearness of death.'

GL Bray in Atkinson, DJ(ed), New Dictionary of Christian Ethics and Pastoral Theology (Leicester: 1995, IVP)

so that's what I've got eh? I certainly feel like a hermit since I spend a great deal of my days alone with the books, wondering whether it's all worth it... and in the face of yesterday's subject - abortion - it has been particularly challenging for me to keep it together, as the idea of children being done away with is very hard to contemplate, and yet sometimes there are some really difficult calls... it really is a deal living in this broken world.

anyhow it's good to know that my spiritual lethargy is an ancient phenomenon , in these last few weeks of academic study the 'midday heat' of work pressures certainly seem to be taking their toll - so a bit of hard labour needs to be fitted in perhaps? any workable suggestions?! ... I'm not sure how one contemplates the nearness of death having been brought up in a death-phobic society!

signs of the future...

2006-04-09T17:40:00.000+01:00

So, I went to the clerical outfitters on Friday to be measured up, thought y'all might want to see the tentative results (as in, these aren't my robes, but I'll have something like them when they're made!)... scary or what?! I think you can tell from my uncomfortable stance I'm very glad I'll only be wearing these once a week at a traditional mid-week service!

And although you can't see very much of the church I thought you might also want to see a few photos of me with my lovely friend Rob and Steph Sturdy who are off back to the States in the summer, so they came with me to visit St Giles when I last went a few weeks ago... stupidly I didn't take any photos of the house...

people who've cheered me up this week...

2006-04-06T22:56:00.000+01:00

... and I've certainly needed it!

I'd just like to particularly pay tribute to my friend Rob Sturdy who mixes a mean Marguerita and laughs in all the right places when we watched Pirates of the Caribbean on Wednesday - we were both feeling pretty grumpy, and helped each other out of bad place!

Also my friend's from Sheffield, and old next door neighbours, Alex and Katell rang to say that they are getting hitched in June and would I like to come? so I'm really pleased for them and very chuffed to be asked!

Tonight my friend Valerie, also from Sheffield rang to ask if she could pop in for lunch tomorrow on her way darn sarf... she's great, and writes one of my two current favourite blogs (Dan's is the other one!) ... or perhaps i should stop with the favourite blogs idea, i keep thinking of more I like and I don't want it to turn into a popularity contest... I love you all, in your own special ways!

Friends eh? they'rrrrrre great!

well done me!

2006-04-02T12:09:00.000+01:00

have completed my last long essay draft... hopefully the tutor will say not too much needs changing!

so, now on to the four short essays (Old Testament and Ethics oh yes.) and revision... this still mainly involves working by myself, which is really beginning to drive me a little bonkers, especially 'cos my flatmates are away! Yesterday I had a proper conversation with one person - that's surely not right... (Although that one person is my future housemate and a very nice lady, which compensates somewhat;)

ho-hum, just a lull I'm sure...

counting down...

2006-03-31T09:14:00.000+01:00

only 10, 000 words, 3 exams, and 5 weeks to go 'til the end of my academic course... then leaver's programme and i'm outta here on 9th June (for a week's holiday and then move to Northampton on 20th June...) crikey...

Twisted perceptions

2006-03-27T20:45:00.000+01:00

As many of y'all already know, last summer my little brother married the lovely Monica Kimani in Nairobi, Kenya last summer (they had both worked for Medair in relief and capacity building work in South Sudan) ... One of the things that really struck me, when they showed a video of the wedding day back in England at their blessing, was how suddenly foreign it looked - when I was there all the African ladies from the village dancing and singing at Monica's parents' house before we set off for the church was beautiful and atmospheric, watching a recording of it, it just seemed generically African, not something I could relate to at all... I guess because I wasn't relating anymore, I was just observing...

I found being there I had to come to grips with something that I'd picked up from media and indeed charity transmitted attitudes that Africans aren't really grown ups, that they are children who need to be looked after. In reality of course they are very much grown ups and equals, but it is easier to help people who you feel you are superior to in some way isn't it?

still chewing it over!

funny peculiar or funny ha-ha?

2006-03-09T14:31:00.000Z

this story in the Guardian gives Brits some pause for thought; maybe the Americans haven't completely taken over...!?

four things...

2006-03-03T16:26:00.000Z

Ok, so I've succumbed to peer pressure and joined in with this crazee fad... oh yes.

FOUR JOBS I'VE HAD

1. Paper girl
2. Catering Assistant
3. 'Teacher' (of English in Pakistan - if this was graded on whether you had fulfilled expected outcomes it wouldn't count)
4. Adminstrative Assistant... in lots of interesting places

FOUR MOVIES/SHOWS I'VE BEEN ADDICTED TO:
1. Lord of the Rings...
i don't generally get addicted, and besides i don't have a telly

FOUR PLACES I'VE LIVED:
1. Woking, Surrey
2. York, Yorkshire
3. Hyderabad, Pakistan
4. Cambridge, Cambridgeshire

FOUR COUNTRIES I WOULD LIKE TO VISIT:
1. India
2. New Zealand
3. China
4. Chile

FOUR POPULAR FALSE ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT ME:
1. I'm very holy
2. I'm very serious
3. I'm easily shocked
4. I play the piano!!

FOUR PEOPLE I LOOK LIKE (according to some people):
0 - clearly too funny lookin'

FOUR THINGS (I HOPE) TO DO BEFORE I DIE:
1. Be able to sing in tune all the time
2. learn to play the piano
3. preach a great sermon
4. Become fluent in another language

PEOPLE I TAG NEXT:
1. Suzie
2. Val
3. Andrew
4. Andy

Fasting and Eating Disorders

2006-02-21T19:53:00.000Z

with Lent approaching I've been thinking about what disciplines I might engage with... and I've been really challenged about fasting for some time, so I piped up in a hOME meeting that I'd like to make a commitment to fasting with other people - as I've been so rubbish at it in the past... not only woosing out, but also getting my knickers in a twist as to why I'm doing it. This provoked a really interesting conversation with another member of hOME about fasting and eating disorders - and how not to provoke the latter by engaging in the spiritual discipline of fasting - this is a discussion we've had before in the girl's discipleship group I've been part of in hOME... it's fascinating to me that very little is written about this - it's not really mentioned to my knowledge in classics about spiritual disciplines (like Celebration of Discipline or The Spirit of the Disciplines) perhaps this is because they are written by men, older men at that?
the only useful thing I found on the web was this article, which to be fair is pretty good (less spelling mistakes!;) - I especially liked his point that 'Christian fasting does not set abstinence as the goal, but rather abstains from some things in order to feast on God'...

trip to Scotland last week...

2006-02-21T19:43:00.000Z

the weekend before last I had a last holiday before the final push on work (last exams first week in May... 20,000 words in essays need to be done before then)

So my friend Claire, who lives in Edinburgh hosted me and took me to the smallest distillery in Scotland and also to Dunkeld where she can be seen as near to birds as she's ever likely to get...

it rained a lot... but the countryside still peeked out looking beautiful!

belated announcement....

2006-02-02T12:17:00.000Z

so most of you know about this already but I keep discovering the odd person who doesn't (I was waiting on things official to make it completely public) ... I'm going to be the curate at St Giles, Northampton when I leave Wycliffe (resting on the assumption that I will have got all my work done and haven't done anything heinous in the meantime) ... ordination is on Sunday 2nd July at Peterborough Cathedral (Northampton is in Peterborough Diocese).

how do I feel? well, truth be told the initial excitement about all the things that the job description includes (especially exploring and releasing more 'fresh expressions' of church within and/or outside St Giles) has rather been overtaken by feeling very scared that doing this job, possibly living by myself, working for the church for the rest of my life will flatten me... I don't do 'alone' very well

on the up side I really feel like I've reconnected with God in a much deeper way than I have for a long time... so I'm aware that I'm walking a tightrope over the abyss but God is holding my hand (floating alongside me in the way that God can...!!) which means I'm still scared, but know that I'm more in touch with the spiritual reality of saying 'yes' to God than when I'm smugly self assured... which is comforting?!

how we acquire a worldview...

2006-01-24T19:30:00.000Z

I just came across this great quote while reading for an essay on the impact of globalization on the nature of Christian mission (really far too interesting, I don't have the time for getting interested in my subject I need to be getting on...) Anyhow here it is:

We acquire our theology consciously through proposition statements. Our worldview, however is acquired subconsciously, in small and imperceptible parts. Note, for instance, the consumerist lifestyle and dependency among conservative evangelicals in the West. Their theology is faultless, yet they practice daily surrender to a worldview that rationalizes and excuses consumption excesses. CS Lewis describes this process by placing in the mouth of Screwtape the following words:
We know that we have introduced a change of direction in his course which is already carrying him out of his orbit around the Enemy [God]; he must be made to imagine that all the choices which have effected this change of course are trivial and revocable. He must not be allowed to suspect that he is now, however slowly, heading right away from the sun on a line that will carry him into the cold and dark of utmost space.
For this reason, I am almost glad to hear that he is still a churchgoer and a communicant. I know there are dangers in this; but anything is better than that he should realise the break he has made.

more food for thought... what adjustments to our faith do we make that make us more comfortable, yet less faithful?

Owning 'the' truth...

2006-01-11T17:42:00.000Z

To rehash a theme I've touched on before, I've been thinking about the road that lies before me and the responsibilities that entails, and whether I'm willing to accept them... for being a clergyperson is to in some way to be an authority, a guide, a wise one, some one to imitate - whether or not that is what you feel you can be. With this on the horizon, I continuously feel challenged by the idea that I need to commit myself, however cautiously, to what I think the truth is; which in many areas of my thinking does not come naturally - I like to 'keep an open mind' which, depending on how honest I'm being, is either because 'I know my own frailty of understanding' or because 'I don't like getting into arguments/disagreeing with people' and yet I begin to perceive that this cannot be a permanent outlook since I will say nothing, direct nothing, help no-one to move forward if this is the case...

is this just a girl thing? I was discussing this with a friend yesterday and she was saying that she thinks that boys are much happier going 'all out' for a particular position on something and take it much less personally if they need to defend that position by getting into an argument about it...

food for thought...

New Year's Day...

2006-01-02T16:03:00.000Z

walking with the hOME crew... oh yes...

first of all there's the planning...

and then there's the dancing...

and of course some walking...

A few Christmas photies

2006-01-02T10:14:00.000Z

Below is my lovely Mum and Dad... looking a bit nervous as I take my first picture with their Christmas present! On the right is my brother David with his lovely new wife Monica and her sister Carol. We had a really good Christmas this year - a full house and lots and lots of laughs:)

disappointed?

2005-12-18T15:42:00.000Z

every so often, in the last few months or so especially, I have been provoked to realising how little I make of the opportunities which present themselves through life's daily irritations, injustices and restrictions to become more like Jesus... I keep reading of and hearing these people (like Joni Eareckson Tada for example) who in the midst of great suffering (e.g. being imprisoned for their faith or suffering total paralysis ) actually managed to turn these into an opportunity to rely on God more ... indeed I have met people who just through living in a Bible college community have been inescapably confronted with their need to be more Christ-like because of all the incredibly irritating things that this lifestyle means you have to deal with (not least the other students and the living conditions).

... and yet, when I am aware of difficulties in my life (especially when I think my peers are getting a better deal) my first reaction is to draw attention to how hard done by I am - either through straight out moaning, or by making sarky comments or jokes at my 'oppressors' expense... I'm gutted I haven't allowed God to make more of the opportunity at Wycliffe to turn those things into challenges, and hurdles to jump over, to become fitter in my spiritual life and give thanks for that... and now I've realised this, I'm not sure what to do engage with it, either for myself or how to encourage my fellow students to do this with me...

any wisdom?

On the trials of being a grown-up...

2005-11-22T18:17:00.000Z

y'know most of the time I really appreciate the benefits of being an adult - you get to decide what you do and when, you are able to help others, use your discernment etc. In fact I was thinking the other day about how much our culture promotes the idea that childish behaviour (like getting your own way, living a self-centred life) is a value to uphold and yet completely fail to be child-like in the way Jesus recommended it (asking questions and expecting trustworthy answers, humility, willingness to love)

however there are days I think I am too good at this, the emotional effort at 'holding it all together' becomes a real burden and that people have no idea that I sometimes (how will they know when?!) long for somebody to take the decisions for/look after me - and this especially applies to holidays for me - I know they are vital, but I actually find them quite stressful - who should I ask? Will they want to go? Where can we find, that we all want to go to, and can afford? Do we have time free at the same time? And after all that gets sorted we MUST have a 'good' time and we MUST come back relaxed and refreshed!!! ... no pressure then

... and so I sometimes long for the time when those decisions were made for me, and all I had to do was sit in the backseat of the car and refrain from arguing with my brother and we would arrive at some lovely location ready for exploration, new food, fun and sandcastles on the beach! Ho-hum!

sigh...

2005-11-15T20:48:00.000Z

v tired... not much nearer finding a placement... but me and my sermon on the Transfiguration survived sermon class on Monday and the chapel service I lead this morning went well... God turned up, which was nice...

this year's weekly placement

2005-11-01T20:54:00.000Z

Tomorrow I go to Begbroke Priory (I've only just found their website) for my weekly placement, this will be my fourth visit... and so far it's mainly consisted of chatting to Sister Anne Verena (about prayer, the religious life, ministry, future jobs etc), who is brilliant - she's really down to earth and has a finely tuned sense of the ridiculous! I've also been to a couple of their daily services (I think they have 4 a day).

I'm hoping the bus (only a 15 minute trip) will get me there in time for their daily Eucharist - tomorrow it's All Soul's Day, so it's 'All Soul's Mass' should be pretty interesting... not sure if we'll be praying for the dead or not!

some thoughts of a theology student...

2005-10-15T12:33:00.000+01:00

so it's been a while hey? with regards to the post below ... well the essays got handed in (it's amazing how much a fixed deadline concentrates the mind!) however I didn't make it to Scotland or to the baptism of friend's child because of them. Which I was pretty gutted about... and it also meant that I started this Michealmas term exhausted! Since then I've turned down a job offer from a parish in Sheffield, and am in limbo-land where doubts assail me as I wait to hear what they might offer me next...

Meanwhile, those thoughts of a theology student - the first with more of an emphasis on the theology, the second with more of an emphasis on the student... who more than once happened to find herself staring out at the tourists who circle the Radliffe Camera (part of the Bodleian Library) over the past few months.

So, firstly I think I'm having a reaction against all this 'trendy' new theology and appreciating much more the traditional emphases of evangelical theology (for those not of a Christian persuasion you might want to skip this tedious shop-talk and go to the next paragraph... or, you might not, I don't know!). I think I'm getting fed up with 'trendiness' in general and perhaps showing my great age. Anyhow there's lots of rethinking going on in emerging church circles some of which I find really helpful fresh perspectives on what have become stale cliches, which have become a bit incomprehensible in a postmodern world (mission for instance). But in some cases it feels to me more like looking for new ways of doing things for the sake of it, a loss of confidence in the gospel (so other religions are seen as a source of inspiration, not a form of deception) and the power of the Spirit, an obsession with style over content to please ourselves and the intellectual in-crowd that we respect, with no real reference as to whether this glorifies ourselves or God more ... and an attitude that actually seems to communicate very little grace for those who don't 'get' it - including the very people who the gospel is supposed to be for - the outcasts, the uncool, the disabled, the poor (which every time God catches my attention I am reminded that I am part of... my spiritual poverty is embarrasing). We will 'do' things for 'them' that don't cost us too much (I'm especially talking about myself here) i.e. give money, write letters, but I don't see space for those we perceive to be these things to go and ask them to become friends with us, to be part of our communities, for the Spirit to give us the grace to be changed and challenged by their presence in our midst day to day...

As to the thoughts formed while staring out the windows of the Rad Cam... I've been wondering ... why do we go on holiday? is it to take photos? to take it home with us? do we have any idea of how to just enjoy and drink in the moment for its own sake? (I'm not sure I do) what are we looking for when we visit historical cities like Oxford? a connection with the past? an escape from our own lives? why is this a holiday? what is a holiday? is it a rest (my primary thought), or a trophy, or an opportunity to change? or something else?

hrrmph...

2005-08-27T20:32:00.000+01:00

I feel now is definitely the best time to update my blog, as I have had a rubbish day and am resenting my monthly affliction of pain, and flipping drugs that are supposed to help but have made me feel drowsy and disoriented (hence rubbish day with none of my urgent and 'important' work done)... to be fair isn't half as bad as many people have to endure, but I like to indulge in some therapeutic moaning (apparently typical English social bonding behaviour) anyhow!

well having got that off my chest, I guess I'd better say a little bit about where I've been and what I've been up to... so in the style of Dan Cooper (an old acquaintance from Sheff and definitely one of the best blogs I read at the moment) some bullet points:

been to Kenya for brother's wedding, which was fun... mix of Kikuyu and English tradition - the English supplied the dress and the weather (flipping cold!) , the Kikuyu's the dancing, the singing and the hospitality
also went to the coast and stayed in a resort on the lovely Diyani Beach (blue blue ocean and white white sand)... although always a little ambigous about the delights of resort holidays, even more so in a '3rd world' country... 4 days was definitely enough for me
since then have been working me socks off trying to get essays done for September 26th... it's going very, very slowly and I seem to be really, really panicking
weather has been mostly lovely in Oxford and reminding me, as I slave away inside the Bodleian Library (there are worse places I know), that I should be punting and picnicking and going to Greenbelt...
looking forward to my friend Steve's wedding at York Minster and a wee holiday in Scotland with my friends the Sturdy's (I will have got my work done by then, I will...)
brain is refusing to accept just how much work I've got to do
a) before September 26th b) after that, before Easter next year (same amount of work as each of the last academic years but in half the time...)

so, feeling chirpy, oh yes...

the real Deal?

2005-07-09T14:29:00.000+01:00

am currently in the church office using their broadband connection to research dtats and stuff for my placement project and pondering how you truly get under the skin of a place ... especially when I am here for such a short time... and Deal hardly fits into any of my previous experiences - it is much smaller than any other place I've lived, so local news travels fast, but conversely feels quite a way from anywhere 'large' and although very near to France, steadfastly English... When you join a church you almost inevitably get an insight into the middle-classes first... though even the middle-classes here aren't as well off as they are in Oxford for example, and there isn't much in the way of take up of private school education...
Deal certainly knows how to 'put its best foot forward' with sites advertising its genteel delights... but I've also discovered, rather to my surprise that it's also ex-mining country ... something it does have in common with lovely Sheffield/Yorkshire!

It's a very odd experience to join a church as part of the leadership team - people immediately know who you are when you are still working out the way home! It's also hard to get a sense of what it's like to be an ordinary member of the church at first, and how much they've got the vision that the leadership team have been heading towards for several years...

perhaps my eager readership have some good questions that enable the questioner to cut to the heart of a place?...

dreaming dreams...

2005-06-30T12:01:00.000+01:00

I've been thinking since I've been here in Deal, hanging out with church-leaders who've obviously done some dreaming and are trying to communicate that dream to the rest of the church of where they think God is calling them, that I don't find it easy to dream. I often don't know for sure whether I want to/should be doing something or not until I get there.. and I find it hard to imagine where I'm gonna be a more than a year ahead...

my question is that because I lack the gift of dreaming; or because I am afraid to dream, because I think that 'knowing me' it won't come off? And in either situation should I look for breakthrough, how do I start? Or should I look around for the dreams of others which I get excited by and help them to happen? is the latter my gift? have I just focused on one way of getting to the place you are supposed to be?

I'd like to get some kind of answer to these questions as I'll soon be looking at potential jobs for next year!

here's one I prepared earlier...

2005-06-28T08:58:00.000+01:00

so here I am at the utter end of the earth... well the utter end of South Eastern England anyhow... on placement in Deal (by the sea!) at St George's Church (just north of Dover if you didn't know) It's been straight in at the deep-end for me - leading a service within days of arriving, preaching the very next Sunday (i.e. this last weekend) and 3 more leads and 2 more preaches to pack in before I finish in a month's time - when I said I wanted more experience in both, they certainly took me up on it!

My placement supervisor is an amazing woman called Shiela Porter who was instituted as Associate Vicar with special responsibility for strategic thinking about mission (having previously been the curate here) by Graham Cray, Bishop of Maidstone on my first Sunday here.. Bob Hopkins preached the sermon... and for those who don't know I knew both Graham and Bob in previous locations- both threatened to tell all (there's really not much to tell!) if anybody wanted to know more about me than I was willing to say! My hosts in Deal (i.e. i'm staying with them) were also in Pakistan at the same time as me, so although I never met them we know a lot of people in common!! All rather odd...

The church itself is growing rapidly (it's between 400 and 600 people already which is huge if you consider what a small place Deal is) and they are desperately trying to work out how to disciple the new Christians, and put in place sustainable church growth (hence Bob & Mary Hopkins' involvement through their ACPI work). They've just taken on a guy to be operations manager - he is taking on all the day-to-day practical stuff, managing the adminstrative staff, as well as being a 'wise old head' in their building redevelopment project - he has lots of secular management experience, so a bit of professionalism and competence in this area will really make a difference in releasing the theologically-trained clergy to do their thing! And they might even get a website up again!

Generally I really don't know what to make of it all; I seem incapabable of deep theological and personal reflection so far, especially in getting a grip on what I need to learn and take away - perhaps it's because I don't have buddies to 'chew the fat' with here and I really am just an 'extravert processor' as they say, so until I start chatting to people about it, then I've no idea what I think... and there's not been much time to do much chatting so far, and I obviously won't get any outside perspective on the church only being here for 5 weeks. It's also weird to hear things almost entirely from the leaders' 'insider' point of view... is that what I'll always get from now on? It's a funny way to meet a church! I need to make sure I get some ordinary bods view of it before I leave!

In other news, I may well be finally succumbing to the joy of consumerism having spent almost an entire day (including evening meal) at Bluewater a massive shopping complex in the North of Kent with the lovely Kathryn Ross (from Wycliffe) and come back with lots of clothes... (much needed since I cleared out my wardrobe many months ago and haven't been shopping since, so was a bit thin on clothes, especially smart clothes!) I think I might even have enjoyed it - the air-conditioning on such a hot muggy day may well have helped that process...

So as Val-der-ree would say here's a 'shallow' post for you... perhaps i'll do 'deep' next time!

ok, so lots of excuses!

2005-06-13T19:19:00.000+01:00

well I know I've been away a very long time, and there's lots of reasons for that, mainly the fact that I managed to drop my laptop on my wireless network receiver... and am now on the poverty-status of dial-up at home (currently tapping away in the Wycliffe library) - I did try and get it fixed, but to no avail, and I wasn't exactly motivated to pursue a solution; with my exams and a long essay deadline looming, I had discovered the freedom of being effectively internet-less ... no more of the '5 minute twitch' to check whether there was anything new on the BBC website, or to see if I could find yet another blog to sate my desire for yet more information and opinions, if the ones I was reading regularly (of friends and strangers) hadn't been updated.

It's not that I've gone completely Luddite and stopped using and reading the internet, but I don't have the saddo need for information that I did a few months ago! I do still enjoy reading people's blogs, but I'm more hungry for relationship with God than I am for information or opinions, which I'd say was the reverse before I bust my connection... makes you think doesn't it?! and out of the blogs I read I'm much more interested in those which are written by people I'm really in relationship with (i.e. have met and will continue to meet face to face) although I very occasionally pop into others...

perhaps linked to this, I'm chewing over a theory at the moment, that the more ways we have to communicate, the less we do so, and certainly the less we do so in any depth... for example 5 years ago when I moved from Cambridge to Sheffield I was on the phone to my friends back in Cambridge quite a lot and for decent amounts of time. Now it's very rare that I talk on the phone to anyone other than my parents (and don't seem to be much good at that these days either!) and in terms of social communication with my friends from Sheff it is generally just a text, or once in a blue moon an email... I do try and make myself write real letters from time to time, but very rarely get one in return.. does that just mean I've got to the age where my friends are settling down and that there immediate social circle (ie their new family) is more important than distant friends, or we've all got to the stage where we've moved too many times and can no longer invest in anyone other than the people who are right here in front of us? or is it that we think we can easily stay in touch any time and therefore we never actually do? or is it just me?!

what can you do in 5 minutes?

2005-04-13T16:42:00.000+01:00

write a short post... i know, i know it's been flippin' ages and even now it's gonna be short (I'm on dial-up again!) so since i last wrote i turned 30 (a good thing I reckon - i'm feeling more comfortable in my own skin these days... which may just mean that with my mature personality that this is the natural age for me... not sure how to think about that!), i've been away and had people come visit me and i've procrastinated badly about work - which means i have 3,000 words to write in the next 5 days... which sounds pretty bad (it is i think) but i wrote 4,000 since coming back from Rome a week ago and i certainly haven't been writing at full pelt for all those days... oh no, in fact burying my head in the sand would come closer to it for some of those days!

anyhow i had a request to blog about Rome - so briefly my impression of it (in the midst of lots of pilgrims coming to pay their respects to 'il papa'/the pope - he died the evening we arrived) is that it is a crazy place with more historical sights than you would ever be able to know all about in a lifetime, with crazy traffic and lots of beautiful people scooting about on vespas saying 'ciao' (sadly the pope was not able to join in on that front- i've asked the cardinals to keep it in mind for their next choice... eddie izzard reference for those who don't know) pictures will follow when they come back from the developer and more chat alongwith no doubt... right a minute over - ciao!

meaning it...

2005-02-20T21:10:00.000Z

Just been on the 2nd 'annual hOME weekend away' - it was a good time I think, I managed to avoid the usual demons that haunt these things for many of us (e.g. insecurity because lil' old me was hanging out with the "beautiful people", guilt because I wasn't doing any work) and I really had fun (I enjoyed '40-40' and 'Ultimate Frisbee' - unheard of!!) I was slightly weirded out by not really having any 1-2-1 time with anybody for 48 hours - I'm not used spending all my time with at least 3 other people or more!

Anyhow at one point we were talking about God's mission in the world and that we are called to join in with what He's up to i.e. bringing in to the world justice, peace, reconciliation, celebration (etc) with Himself and with others ... and up came the old chesnut about doing actions that show the good news of Jesus 'versus' speaking words which explain and challenge people with it (the 'dreaded' evangelism word). And whilst I am no great one for actually talking about what I believe, it struck me that very often nervous Christians are so worried about being inappropriate/ embarrassing that we forget that knowing Jesus, finding healing and wholeness with God and other people that that brings is actually really really good news - so that we devalue it, we don't celebrate it all, we don't love our friends enough to share it ever - pretty much saying to ourselves and perhaps to God that we don't really believe it...

Something that kind of connects with this, is that I've recently been challenged to connect up my core 'intellectual' beliefs in a much more real way with how I'm feeling, with the crap/good stuff I go through - it's made me realise that a lot of the time I use what have become cliches for me, other people's words (from the Bible, prayer books or songs) to relate to God, and that this means I'm not really real with Him about how I'm feeling, what I'm worried about - that actually I need to develop my own vocabulary to relate to Him, so I own what I'm saying, so that I really know that I fully mean it!

there's hope yet...

2005-02-18T16:51:00.000Z

for a world dominated by corporations, it's good to know that some still have a sense of humour/ humanity. From a recent email:

Greetings from Amazon.co.uk.We're writing to correct a recent e-mail notification that we sent about "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (Book 6)."
In our e-mail, we stated that this title would not be immediately available from our suppliers, and that you may want to search for it elsewhere.
We would like confirm that this book will be available from our suppliers and will be delivered to UK customers on the day of release (July 16th 2005).
We assure you that Howlers have been sent to the Muggles responsible for this action and we are investigating the possibility that 'You-Know-Who' may have been involved.

... Otherwise am generally busy (beginning to get stressed), very behind with work, so obviously am going away for the weekend with hOME... ah well, should be good all the same!

Also 30 next week... I've recently discovered that the Medievals discovered that they thought that everyone will be 30 in heaven as that is the age of perfection (and maturity in Jewish society apparently). So I'm looking foward to being perfectly mature;)

that sinking feeling...

2005-02-12T19:42:00.000Z

My friend Jon has started blogging again, and in his most recent post he was talking about conversations he had in at a dance night he goes to regularly, and one thing he said really leapt out at me:

from the 'blood sample' of my generation i took tonite, it is not faith in God that is dying but faith in ourselves...

that rings so true with me - and i guess being a Christian gives me a reason for the state we're in (our sin, our rebellion against the wonderful way God had planned for us) - but sometimes it also entirely demotivates me to invest in anything for the future - sometimes i even wonder if 'making poverty history' is worth it - after all, what impact will saving all those children, who die every second i type, have on the planet? of course each and every one matters... but we seem to have an increasing ability to screw things up... oh i dunno really, i suspect i've lost some perspective somewhere along the line!

the frightening power of consumerism

2005-02-10T18:03:00.000Z

so I just had to blog about this, especially since at hOME yesterday we were thinking about God stripping away all the things we try to use to falsely define ourselves (popularity, humour, sexual attractiveness, consumerism, education etc) instead allowing our identity as a completely loved child of God to define ourselves... this article (and the story that provoked it) just shows the terrifying power of a brand... especially this comment made by a reader of the BBC website (i'm really hoping it was made tongue-in-cheek...):

Ikea is not just a furniture store, it is a religion. A true follower has to make regular pilgrimages to its temples and know it's catalogue back to front. All the queueing and hassle is worth it as ultimately you will find peace and contentment amongst your purchases and life will be better. Sue Beverley, uk

scary whatever way it was made, cos to have power it has to have some kernel of (perverse)truth!

thinking out loud with the homies

2005-01-28T17:57:00.000Z

I've just posted on hOME's new blog - a record of what we've done together so we don't forget when old age finally catches up with us (!)... it's about my new huddle and what we thought about letting other people serve you - something I was really challenged about in this article in the Guardian on friendship recently.

so follow the link in the title, to find out what other things hOME has got up to recently...

... a 'log - speck moment'

2005-01-13T15:45:00.000Z

Well here I was chuntering away to myself about how no-one in Oxford had posted anything recently... and then I realised I was the worst offender of all - as my long-lost friend Nicki Johnson used to say a 'log - speck moment'...

so for better or worse here I am again, what shall pearls of wisdom should I share with my 'many' eager readers?

Well, today I've started a course called 'Spiritual Formation for Leadership' (which I'm sure Jim would be fascinated by, being a training consultant) - it runs over 8 weeks for a full day each time - including a 45 minute 1-2-1 interview! After the introduction today, one of the things we started exploring was the power of our imagination, through an imaginative exercise which will be analysed and used to explore our personalities in the 1-2-1's.

What struck me particularly from the tutor's observations about the importance of the imagination was that:

We are always talking about God in metaphorical/imaginative language - that the truth we perceive about 'Him' can never be complete, or completely expressed, whatever language we use. Which of course doesn't take much thought to realise, however I've never explicitly put that in the context of thinking about the power of the imagination!
Our behaviour is constantly determined by what we imagine our future to be - i.e. by making it happen
Faith is an exercise of the imagination about things we cannot fully see now and in the future ... as I write it down it sounds like that's a dismissal of the truth of what we believe in, but it's not, it's more an acknowledgement of the limits of what we can perceive.

So, all very interesting stuff. I'm very glad to have got started - having seen people go through the course last term made me both excited and apprehensive, as they took a deep look into themselves and their leadership styles. The participants mostly enthused about it, but also looked pretty blasted by the whole experience, as I suppose I will when I spend time looking into the complex darkness of my soul!

On a completely different tack, I've recently had the very disconcerting experience of two people tell me I'm trendy!!! Which couldn't be further from my self-perception - I always think of myself as a rather plodding, middle-of-the-road type, accidently stranded amongst trendy types (especially at church)... maybe it's the context of being at theological college... I won't try and elaborate on that, otherwise I'll unintentionally insult my fabulous colleagues for whom I have the utmost respect and affection:)

Christmas in the 'burbs...

2004-12-29T11:42:00.000Z

well, here I am still at my parents - 'cos my brother is still around (back from Kenya briefly) ... not that seems to make any difference to how much we see him, he's off out catching up with friends! (all my friends from school have very sensibly moved away from this smug characterless town) ho-hum...

it is very weird being back here for an extended period - everyone seems to revert back into role... I seem to lose my individual identity, and just float along doing what I'm told, and running off to watch tv and surf the 'net (and doing some work, but not too much!) like the teenager I used to be ... it is really odd this lack of personal space - seems to wipe out my relationship with God as I know it (i.e. I'm not really praying, reading the Bible or thinking about stuff for myself) so what does that mean for someone who theoretically believes that being a Christian is not an individualistic enterprise, but should be about joining the body of Christ, being in community? does this mean I have totally the wrong model of spirituality to match this ideal? maybe so...

on a lighter note, Christmas has been fun, seen a lot more of both sides of the family than I often do at Christmas which is good and weird at the same time... and I've been happily watching much of what my new 'Return of the King' extended edition dvd has to offer - great stuff:)

We're all teenagers...

2004-12-15T16:39:00.000Z

I've just stumbled across this fascinating article about the power of youth in an aging culture... I think the church, and especially the 'emerging' church movement has succumbed to this worldview fairly whole-heartedly... and I'm not sure this is a good thing! The writer says:

The turning point, of course, was the 1960s. Until then, young people were largely ignored in a culture that was determinedly and stiflingly middle-aged. A generation, who were brought up in very different conditions from those of their parents, rebelled in a way that remains unprecedented in western society.

Why is it unprecedented? What are we missing? (I'm not questioning that we've gained things) previous cultures really valued their elders, whereas I'm not even sure I know how to even listen properly to the wisdom of my elders anymore - I'm reading a book written in 1968 which is supposed to be a seminal work (Francis Schaeffer's The God Who Is There) and apart from the fact I only dimly understand some of it, I struggle to escape the attitude of 'this is so modernist, what can it possibly have to say to me?' ! Surely it will have something to say... after all I don't seem to have that problem with the Bible or the early church writers... hmmm - any comment?

happy/sad...

2004-12-15T14:18:00.000Z

a dear friend of mine got engaged last week, and mostly I am so chuffed that he did, like you wouldn't believe...

but things like that also make me sad, 'cos changes like these has often meant losing things that are precious - and friendships have to be the most precious things to me... whilst this change wouldn't necessarily mean that we'll lose touch anymore than the fact that we will be leaving college and going off to different places, it just was a marker which made me reflect on leaving people behind, and how rubbish it is, and how I've done it too often, and how at the moment I don't have anyone (apart from the big G obviously) who'll stay with me - and that makes me sad... ho-hum!

Will I ever learn to thrive on change I wonder?! Does leaving people benefit me and them sometimes? It would be good to have some clue about the answers!

I'm not sure whether the fact that I'm visiting friends in Sheffield this coming weekend helps me or not... but I am very much looking forward to it:)

Humorously convicting...

2004-12-07T20:53:00.000Z

I've just found this on Maggi Dawn's blog... and I'd just been musing to my friend Stevie J that I'm still struggling with my more conservative brothers and sisters in the Christian world... and also with those who disagree with me polictically... oh to be humble, and loving, and right too;) !

mutuality...

2004-12-04T10:08:00.000Z

further to my previous post (thanks for the comments Pete and Jen, they really helped:)... I think what I've been edging towards for a long while is:

learning to celebrate what is great about the opposite sex, to honour and respect men for who they are, not denigrate them for what they're not (which is where the wondering about giving them priority in leadership came from) ...
at the same time (like Jen said) cherish what's fab about being a woman from the 'frivolous' to the 'deep' stuff, and not to sell myself short

it's all good, these difference that God has made:) ... perhaps that's another layer of meaning to that thing in the marriage service that says 'what God has joined let no one seperate'?!

well better get on with my 'worship' (i.e. liturgy) essay... ho-hum

oh boy, what to say?

2004-11-29T17:38:00.000Z

For ages I've been trying and failing (and therefore deleting before publishing) to write a post on the whole man/woman communication/role deal... 'cos it is a deal - especially in this weird world of theological college, where there's a maximum of 1/3 of the students being female - a bit of an anomaly in my experience of life (my uni days was in a place where trainee teachers and occupational therapists ruled, and therefore there were loads more women there) ...

having been brought up in a 'post-feminist' environment, it's taken me a while to learn that actually there are differences between men and women that do matter (this lack of recognition of the difference as a child for example, meant that it never occurred to me that the adverts for the army didn't directly apply for me). Whether they should or not is really a different deal, but that's the way things are. And it's taken me a while to take and own the good things within 'traditional' feminine identity - not everything, but I think I hadn't been encouraged to take on some of the positive stuff of being a woman.

Of course being a woman in a traditionally male environment highlights this whole identity thing in a very particular way - despite my belief that the Bible does allow space for women to be leaders, it doesn't particularly help in providing models, and neither does much of the current church scene (traditional or emerging). I'm still not sure, and perhaps this is a dangerous thing to say, that there isn't some space for difference in the perceived priority of roles in which men and women lead and serve the church (i.e. that there are areas where men more usually take the lead) ... or maybe that's just because it's emotionally and culturally appropriate at the moment? I dunno, I really don't know what I'm talking about, I'm just trying to feel my way to the bottom of what the questions should be, nevermind the answers!

... and before you ask 1 sermon and 1 essay down, with a talk and 3 essays to go (I think the talk is written, now I just have to deliver it!) so things are looking up... tho i still wouldn't mind that extra day that Ande (see comments below) has been interceding for! And hi to Jen - I'm glad you like my 'blog... where's yours?!

tara for now;)

overloaded!!

2004-11-26T19:55:00.000Z

Well, I keep thinking that I'll wait 'till I have something profound to post (it's not good reading too many blogs by people who are naturally articulate and thought-through - raises the bar way too high!) but actually that's never going to happen...

so instead I just want to say that THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH HOURS IN THE DAY!! (recover composure after embarrassing and unnecessary outburst) but really there aren't - this term at Wycliffe has been really fun, I've hung out with lots of nice people, been much more sociable than I was able to be last year. But as we approach the last 2 weeks of term I seem to have an all age sermon to give on Sunday (on being ready for the Second Coming as well...), an Alpha talk on 'how God guides us' to a bunch of sixth formers on Wednesday, and 4 essays to do.
How did that happen??!!

So actually I'm hoping for the Second Coming sooner rather than later! ... Although if I think about that a bit harder, perhaps not, I'm not sure that I am ready...

but if I'm even more silent than usual you'll know why, although blogging may become the next in a long line of procrastination techniques... watch this space (or not!)

2004-11-21T12:41:00.000Z

an addition to my argument below... I think I nicked this off Jonny Baker's blog (see my random links list)

My heart cracks...

2004-11-06T14:03:00.000Z

man, I haven't felt this stirred up about politics in a long time... and it's not even my own country - George W. winning over there is kinda what I expected, and to be frank I'm not sure how much good Kerry could have done... I guess we might have had a President (and as much as I'd like to think that the President of the US is just their business, it's not - they are the only superpower, and it affects us all) who didn't come across as so self-righteous and blind to other people's opinions and interests.

However the US has sucked us all in to such a mess in Iraq, the environment is getting more and more screwed up and yet there's no sign of anybody really seriously putting long term self interest before short term profit, the poor get poorer and the rich more screwed up... what can any one person, even the President of US really change, in any major way, about any of that?

What really breaks my heart tho' is what a massive divide this election has shown up, and there doesn't seem to be anyway of talking across it - both sides are so convinced they are right, that they are on the side of good and the other side are short sighted ignorant so-and-so's that there's no way of things changing. This is especially painful in the Christian world where 'evangelicals' in this country would also include in their major concerns the environment, justice for the poor and so on... whereas American 'evangelicals' seem obsessed with personal moral issues (which are, in my opinion, much more difficult to ask civil legislation to rule on) such as abortion, gay marriage and so on, over and above everything else - this includes American friends who live here - I find it so hard to talk to them about it, cos we don't even seem to be talking the same language!

I was going to say more, but I'm not sure I trust myself not to splutter with incoherent, misdirected rage at the way the world seems to be going...

Lord have mercy on us all!

remember, remember...

2004-10-31T11:00:00.000Z

that life is good! I'm feeling really positive about life, the universe and everything at the moment, and I'm trying to write that down in as many places as possible, to come back to when the next turn of the wheel comes - that here on the 'mountain top' I can see things in their proper perspective (?) - to remind myself that I have some really good friends, that God loves me and that I'm part of some amazing communities.

It's not that there aren't things I'm struggling with - I'm still not brilliant at getting on top of the workload (but I'm not worrying about it quite so much), I still don't like being single (but I don't feel like a complete loser about it as I did a few months ago), I'm thinking through my faith, what it means to me and how much I really believe - how much of difference is it making to my life? And is there anything I can do to deepen my relationship with God? But I'm actually quite excited about that, despite the one step forward, two steps back progress I often make - after all having a better grasp on the fact that I can rely on God's love and faithfulness means it's not really about me, it's about discovering more of Him and His resources:)

I also came across this post about the temptations that become really strong when life is pants... wise words indeed... and on that note I shall stop, and try and think of rather more profound things to post next time!

ah-ha!

2004-10-23T13:20:00.000+01:00

In a conversation with a wise friend yesterday I realised what I had been wittering on about in my previous post (which didn't publish properly so you couldn't comment on it even if you'd wanted to!!) basically boils down to a lack of faith, for 'faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see' (Hebrews 11:1). Which is actually hopeful, a signpost to listen out for what God's saying now and look back at what He's said in the past - since 'faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word of Christ.' (Romans 10:17)

being me...

2004-10-01T22:19:00.000+01:00

You know, I can never believe that I'm 29, or even that I come over that way (people often tell me that they think I'm several years younger - should that be a compliment?). I think the thing is that I had expected to have made a few more decisions about who I am by now... somehow I get the message loud and clear from culture that this last decade of my life should have been the 'high point' of what makes me, me. It should have been what I'd been building up to for the previous 19 years and what I'll spend the rest of my life trying to recapture.

And yet it sure doesn't feel that way, I hardly feel like I've got started. I've bummed around in different places, doing lots of different jobs, getting little insights into different worlds and professions from doing stuff on the edges of them. But I don't think I've really got hold of the main stuff I think I could be good at, the music I really like, nor indeed the relationships that I'd like to carry with me for the rest of my life. Without any conscious need or intention to do so, I haven't lived in the same place for more than 3 years since I left home to go to University. Which has lots of consequence, including the ones I've just described.

Perhaps I'm not alone in my generation, still waiting to grow up and take responsibility... or perhaps I don't appreciate what I have done, been part of, learnt already, since 'it's only me', not easy to see as extraordinary... it's also interesting to see how much I've talked about me how the pressure is on to find an individual identity, rather than finding myself as part of something bigger. hmmm, enough already!

partially provoked by seeing The Motorcycle Diaries, getting a new haircut and having a tricky conversation with a friend yesterday... ;)

My brain is finite... but the mind of God is infinite..

2004-09-28T16:16:00.000+01:00

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.

I have just finished two long essays (Church History, and the contemporary world) and am in the midst of what Wycliffe Hall likes to call an 'Integrated Study Week' (Birth and Baptism... with a lot more besides) ... and I am much relieved to know that:

a) God has given me a brain so that I can appreciate the many questions that are provoked by His existence and His creation...

b) That I am not expected to and cannot contain, or discover, all the answers to those questions, but that God does...

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say by that, except relief that humanity is not the peak of existence, if we are, then I'm pretty sure we are in trouble!

thoughts about community... and sunny days:)

2004-09-05T17:28:00.000+01:00

This is great little reflection on community... and a real help for me to think about how I was feeling on Friday ... written by a guy I know vaguely through being in Sheffield...

Just to share a 'warm and fuzzy' (to counterbalance my tendency to blog when feeling rubbish) I'd just like to say that I've had a great day so far today ... up early, cup of tea, off for a swim at the new uni pool (30 lengths - new pb;), back for scrambled eggs for brekkie, sorted through stuff that has needed doing for ages, long lunch at the pub in the sunshine with hOMEies and my old friend Matt Rutter ... then Matt I went to go punting, but ended up with a big canoe... which was great ... nothing is lovelier than English rivers in the sunshine! More days like this please!!

I wish... I wish... Or do I?

2004-09-03T17:33:00.000+01:00

Sigh... Trying to readjust to the high-pressure world of theological college (even though lectures don't start for another 3 weeks) - through the slightly odd medium of a New Wine Ordinands Conference here in Oxford - much good stuff, and feel the promise of much more good stuff from God - but oh how these things bring out all my insecurities in gloriously focused technicolour!!

It's the first time I've seen some of my fellow ordinands at Wycliffe for a while - and one of the first things they want to know is

'Did you a Have a Good Holiday?'

... and the answer is kind of complicated... in the sense that

'No, I did not Go Somewhere Sunny (because I find it hard to know who to go with/ would like to go with me... and some who said that would, didn't)... and Actually I was in Hospital for 6 Days because I had my Appendix Out and I've been Catching Up With Work and when you ask that, it feels like my 'holiday' has been A Bit of a Slog'

but also...

'Yes, as I had a lovely time catching up with my family for a few days in Devon (I nearly said heaven!) and I went to New Wine A - where I enjoyed the camping and (shock, horror) quite a few of the talks, and I had ten days in Sheffield housesitting - I really enjoyed having somewhere to have people round, and catching up with friends in a chilled out way, and going to the Peak District, and joining the Order of Mission which holds lots of possibilities for the future (mine and the Church's!)... but... that's not so concrete, is it?'

Holidays often feel like a bit of pressure to me to Have a Good Time and Chill Out... it's strange isn't it? But that's How It Is... 'cos holidays have become the obligatory high point of years where we only work under sufferance, and kicking back is What It's All About... maybe I'm coming over all bitter and twisted about this 'cos there's lots of letting go (I originally said work!) I'd like to do, about being secure enough in all that God has made me and share it with other people... actually, sometimes I am... but at the moment it feels like mostly I'm not... guess it does have to be worked through - find out what's going on underneath!

There remains, then, a Sabbath-rest for the people of God; for anyone who enters God's rest also rests from his own work, just as God did from his. Let us, therefore, make every effort to enter that rest, so that no one will fall by following their example of disobedience. Hebrews 4: 9-11

Perhaps we need to 'make every effort' (!) to live in that rest body, mind and spirit!

this is hilarious...

2004-08-30T23:40:00.000+01:00

of all the 'personality' tests on the internet this makes me grin the most!

20 Questions to a Better Personality

Wackiness: 16/100
Rationality: 16/100
Constructiveness: 16/
100Leadership: 4/100

You are a SEDF--Sober Emotional Destructive Follower. This makes you an Evil Genius.You are extremely focused and difficult to distract from your tasks. With luck, you have learned to channel your energies into improving your intellect, rather than destroying the weak and unsuspecting.Your friends may find you remote and a hard nut to crack. Few of your peers know you very well--even those you have known a long time--because you have expert control of the face you put forth to the world. You prefer to observe, calculate, discern and decide. Your decisions are final, and your desire to be right is impenetrable.You are not to be messed with. You may explode.
Of the 10595 people who have taken this quiz since tracking began (8/17/2004), 13.7 % are this type.

treasure?

2004-08-14T14:34:00.000+01:00

this got me thinking (click on the post's title)... do I treasure what I have enough to give it away?... or is it so unappreciated that I don't know what has a hold on me? hmmm

anyhow this is the front page of the site... Sacred Space - the prayer site run by the Irish Jesuits

Absence makes the heart grow fonder?

2004-07-25T12:23:00.000+01:00

Well, well, been away long time... been poorly sick (as my friend Ema would say) - two days after long absent parents return to the country, they have to rush me into their local hospital for what turned out to be an emergency op. to remove a rather icky appendix...

I think all and sundry are hoping this is the end to a year of unprecedented ill-health for me. It's been proper frustrating! However when all's said and done I am almost completely better - just lacking a bit of oomph on the energy front... even that seems to be getting better every day! (am on iron tablets for anemia:)

What slightly worries me about being ill is that so much of what I consider to be 'me' seems to disappear. I talk to God only occasionaly, I'm really antisocial and I find it really difficult to care for myself or others... in some ways fair enough, but in others - especially the God thing - how on earth can I say that this is a fundamental part of me when it flees away so easily and almost without me noticing?
Of course the other possibility is that because I've related to God for all my life I don't actually know what it feels like to be totally without Him, what actually disappears is the religion that I put on top!! Certainly I always knew everything was going to be OK one way or the other, and wasn't worried about stuff in ways I'm sure many people are. Hmmm...

Talking of absence, having both my parents and my 'little' brother back in the country for a short while has made me realise (despite instant bickering on the way home from the airport!!) how much they are part of me and whole I feel when they are around. Not in any dramatic way, it just 'is', much in the way that grass 'is' green and it would only be noticeable if it wasn't ... they're great:) I feel privileged to be part of such a family. The next puzzle is how to lay hold of and give away the best of what I've been given through it!

frankly?

2004-06-28T16:52:00.000+01:00

Recently I've been having a bit of a dilemma about what to post here, because I know that friends, and strangers (from time to time;), who read this are coming from completely different places spiritually (even if I don't what those places are...) and thinking about it, that's true of those who hear what I say I the 'real' world too...

so how much do I say about what I'm thinking about matters 'internal' to the church ... there's lots of blogs out there that are quite interesting to church geeks like me;) (which could be both incomprehensible and dull to those who couldn't give a monkeys)?

And how much do I need to say about 'what I'm doing/where I've been' (which, frankly, could be quite unnecessary and dull to all concerned ;)? although that was the reason for setting up a blog in the first place, to dispense with the need for emailing out newsletters too often...

I think you might all have to put up with general musings on other 'stuff'...

And if I don't talk a little about these things to all of my friends and acquaintances how honest am I being?
Of course there are levels of things that are appropriate to say, and sometimes I'm a bit too open with the wrong people, at the wrong time, 'cos I worry about not being 'honest'! (sigh, it's hard work being me!!)
But I think we should at least share a sniff of what else we are in other situations too, otherwise integrity (a universally valued commodity!) can easily slip away...

hmmm 'answers' on comments please;)

Several and various good things...

2004-06-26T09:33:00.000+01:00

had people round for dinner for the first time (my good friends Steve, Rob & Steph, & flatmate Nat) last night - good to realise that I can do this, even if we eat from plates on our knees in my bedroom/study! Can't see me ever feeling comfortable with inviting people who have 'proper' houses round tho'... oh the joys of being a single ordinand!

I feel like I've turned a corner with the whole loneliness thing - something I've been struggling with quite a lot this year. It seems to be like fog - suddenly appears and blankets everything, distancing me from everyone around and then slips away gradually without me noticing... it's made me realise tho' that it's often more of a state of mind, rather than directly linked to the 'real-life' situation I'm in (although that obviously has some bearing on it!)

I went with a couple of other people from Wycliffe, to a conference in London (Kensington v. posh!) called 'mission-shaped church' on Wednesday. It was about changing ways of doing church/ church planting within the Church of England - really encouraging on lots of levels, just a few quotable points were:

* don't try to be relevant, focus on relationships and you will be!
* Jesus didn't set out to found the institution of the church, but nor did it happen by accident - church is the event which happens when we encounter Jesus (from the Archbishop's address)
* church should look more and more like a taste of the new heaven and earth..

I think the most exciting thing was the level of encouragement from the Archbishop and other Bishops to be creative about how to do church... we don't have to do this 'on the sly':)

Noticeable by His absence...

2004-06-22T14:16:00.000+01:00

One of the things I've been doing recently is reading some blogs of people involved in doing church 'new' ways ... and I'm kind of disappointed (or maybe I haven't been logging on often enough;), ... there's lots of interesting discussion about what we do and what we think about it. They are, of course, discussions and ideas that need to be shared, but that's not what I care about the most when doing/being church, any kind of style of church ...

What I am excited about is that we get to be disciples of Jesus, to enter his presence without fear, to be transformed into the people we were meant to be, to tell people that they are loved and wanted no matter what (that's what I love the most about being a Christian, getting to love people like God does:).. and that's what I really want to hear about when people are doing new kinds of church - is the creativity and freshness of 'emerging church' releasing people to be more effective disciples? are we enabled to be more generous and Spirit filled? ultimately is it a place where we meet God in an even deeper way? if so I want to catch some of that!
I don't care, really, what the church does or what it looks like if not... I guess testimonies are hard to write without seeming super-spiritual, but surely it must be possible? well I guess if it's possible I'd better start looking around me too;)

2004-06-20T12:24:00.000+01:00

clearly procrastinating now (avoiding writing a long overdue essay on Luther!)... picked a new template - quite like it, trying to go for that 'old book' look to match the chronicles theme - however since i blog purely through guess work have lost a few features... nothing too drastic I hope!

any feedback on the profile (by those who know me!!) would be great - not sure this really reflects me, but couldn't put my finger on more than what i'm doing at the moment to be able to put it down into words!

btw hello Elaine Storkey (one of my tutors) I found out the other day she's read my blog a couple of times... scary!

2004-06-20T11:14:00.000+01:00

so Trinity Term and my first year at Wycliffe is over ... craziness! In some ways it has sped past, but in other ways I struggle to remember life outside this bubble or imagine life after it.
Quite scary saying goodbye to all those who are going on to curacies right now - moving fully into the whole life vocation that ordination is i.e. living in goldfish bowl! I guess i'm still trying to imagine what kind of place i want to go to and how on earth i'd cope with doing it on my own (i'd really rather not) - anywhere God's on the move and i can join in would be good;)
I watched the film 'The Mission' the other day for the first time - beautiful and thought provoking ... as a subsidary reflction, i could really see for the first time when i looked at the Jesuit priests why being single can really be an advantage when you are trying to take a stand for things that are right and will put you in danger... very challenging. Anyhow a great film with a great soundtrack!

2004-06-08T17:14:00.000+01:00

hello, hello!

thanks to all who commented - good to know i'm not just talking to myself... carry on commenting;)

well been quite enjoying myself recently - we had a college ball, which was actually great fun, really well organised, lots of people and i didn't run away (or even want to) - which is often my reaction to these things.

the sunny weather definitely helps cheeriness ratings, as does good chats with lots of lovely people at Wycliffe - i do like this place... even if lacks the perfection of being in Sheffield and Oxford at the same time!!

second lot of sermons coming up on Sunday, so that should be fun, especially as i've had a lot more recent experience of speaking than i did last time round!

am actually looking forward to summer hols now - short trip to Italy, family holiday in Devon and probably a couple of weeks in Sheff at the end of August... must remember to do my essays too!

....and finally, as originally identified on my trip to South Carolina, USA

I am 92.5% British, just like
HRH Prince Charles
Though you'll never be king you certainly know where your castle is.

Take the Brit Quiz at
darrenlondon.tripod.com/britquiz1.htm

just in case you hadn't guessed!

2004-05-27T16:41:00.000+01:00

just received 'complaint' about lack of posting from me ... well it's nice to know somebody reads it (hi wendy;)... please do comment if you visit even if just to say 'hello' then i know i'm not just being self indulgent...

that said what shall i tell y'all now? well i went to the 'big [poetry] slam' on sunday which was awesome - just amazing collection of funny poignant angry beautiful poets and poetry, tho' there were a few quite aggresively against Christianity, but i came to the conclusion that it's good to be offended once in a while and check out why that is and whether you should be! the 'old-hands' won the competition - the USA team (where slams began) .. check out this link about Taylor Mali their 'top' poet (against Oxford, London and Birmingham - was sorry not to hear more from Brum there was some particularly top guys on that team) also went to say 'hi' to Steve Larkin, one of the Oxford comperes, who i had heard quoted my previous entry on the many merits of the 'hammer and tongue' evening at another event ... i sometimes forget this is the public domain!! but anyhow, a top bloke :) i'm looking forward to the next time i can go already...

other than that? well trying, but largely failing, to work ... too busy doing other stuff and sunnyness outside isn't helping either ... also wondering how to arrange my summer ... 14 scary weeks off (term ends on 18th June!!) - anybody want to go travellin?! tho am really looking forward to Mum and Dad being back in the country after their 6 months in Bangladesh with Interserve.. and I'll get to see David (little bruvver) and his 'new' Kenyan girlfriend Monica too :) while he is back from Kenya/ Sudan!

2004-05-10T19:05:00.000+01:00

well i know it's been awhile - i've been busy revising for my first two exams in 8 years - Old and New Testament... whilst i don't really have a clue how the exams went, the revision was good - finally things, important things like the history of Israel and how fits in with the rest of the world, has begun to fall into place - so i guess as long as i pass these exams the point of having them - learning your stuff - has already been achieved for me:) which is nice.

other than that the shortest term is already in its 3rd of 8 weeks - very scary!! then i will have something ridiculous like 14 weeks holiday to fill ... i do have 2 long essays to do but i'm not planning to fill all those weeks with work!! so any suggestions gratefully received - [jargon alert...] New Wine A is the only thing booked in so far - going with peeps from 'hOME' church here in Oxford - they're gonna be involved in leading some funky dance/chill-out style worship as part of the emerging church stream... [jargon over]

tonight our fellowship group i'm in played croquet and drank pimms on the lawn... a fun attempt at being a proper Oxford college!

so today has been a good day - i even enjoyed the first day of our 'Sex and Marriage' Integrated Study Week:) we got to run thru how to take a wedding service... be afraid, very afraid!! (don't worry we do get more training on that before we are let loose!!) generally tho (and i guess that's why i haven't been posting.. aside from the revision excuse) i've been quite up and down emotionally struggling with feelings of loneliness - doesn't always seem to connect with my situation logically but there you go!
got a new Spiritual Director tho' who really 'gets' me and is very wise too:) hoorah!

gosh i have been saving a lot up haven't i? and i thought i didn't have anything to say!!

2004-04-07T17:36:00.000+01:00

New Wine Ordinands conference in Nottingham yesterday - v good just to be prayed for and tho' "through the glass darkly" to re-connect with God again, to take decisions as I'm being prayed for to trust Him rather than go 'yeah, whatever' - which is what i do to almost anything positive that comes my way whether from Jesus or from even my dearest friends...

today i read the book we got given about John Wimber (a v cool chilled out American pastor who founded a worldwide movement for those of you who don't know;) which has been v refreshing and challenging by turns - what really got me was his focus on what Jesus wanted and that he really didn't get the insecure competitive/comparing thing - something I often struggle with. It just brought home to me that God calls me to serve him as me, and become more like the me he designed me to be - not anyone else - however much I admire them! I so want to learn this lesson and not have to keep re-taking it!! Lots of prayer and repentence I guess:)

2004-04-04T17:28:00.000+01:00

back again... after another foray away from Oxford

this time on a college 'mission' to Cheltenham - tiring, confusing and by turns discouraging and encouraging... but good to see three different churches in action and seeing people encouraged in sharing their faith and in hearing a bit more about it .. will reflect more on it some time soon.

but good to be back in my own space again!

2004-03-22T15:30:00.000Z

ahhh am home, (back in Oxford... it's nice to know that this is my home for now, a place where i feel safe:) Sheffield was great tho' - I didn't see everybody which is slightly distressing in one sense, ('cos I love you all!) but also good as well - in that I got to spend some quality time with people who i love dearly - I feel v blessed to know such amazing people... it really is a privilege! to hear how God is moving in their lives and to chat through with them how i am and get their wisdom just really refreshing!

also the Lent-style stripped-down acoustic worship at the 6pm evening service at St Thom's was great... i do love that church:)

a new experience was having a car in Sheff - kept getting slightly misdirected... knew where i was but wasn't where i wanted to be! the responsibility of having such a powerful and expensive thing under my care was a bit stressful actually ... i'm sure i'll get used to it... although the abysmal M1 did not help either way! not sure what says about me and responsibilty, if anything!

2004-03-16T19:47:00.000Z

This week at college we are taking an intensive look at Christian youth and children’s work in and out of church, which has been very inspiring … what I’m wondering is if (as has been persuasively put) all generations are part of the family of God, and we lose out if we don’t give and receive from each other within this … then how do we justify single generational church like hOME?

I really miss having kids around and the blessing they are… and also, as we talked about at hOME last week, the ‘wise old-heads’ for wisdom and experience… I know it’s harder work, but it is often worth it!

I guess if I process what I’ve found the most valuable thing I’ve found about being in a group of just my own generation is a chance to find and express my own identity in worship. Often in cross generational church we go for the inoffensive middle which doesn’t allow that … I’ve seen so much creativity in em gen church – which is so God as far as I’m concerned! Can you do candles and dance music with kids? possibly… With older people? probably not!! gotta serve?

BUT I have been really blessed by children in the past and I loved growing up as a kid in church of all ages – being part of a bigger family than just my biological family and feeling that sense of belonging. So I’d love to be part of giving and sharing that with another generation of children… get this 72% of people who come to faith through the Alpha course in the UK, had some kind of contact with the church as children… what about the children of this generation only 4% of whom have any meaningful contact with church?!

2004-03-02T22:19:00.000Z

well just been to the hammer and tongue 'poetry slam' at the (absolutely packed) 'brickworks' on the Cowley Road in Oxford (the more interesting bit of Oxford for those of you up norf;) with my small group/huddle/mission expression of hOME . The poetry slam was v. cool - there was a couple of black poets from NYC on tour (apparently poetry slams are huge over there) who were amazing - funny, angry, 'paranoid' and gracious and then some local non-professional poets who were entering the 'slam'.

The place was just full of such a cool bunch of really diverse people black, white, young, old, a goodly smattering of eco-warrior/hippy types (I think if I hadn't been so heavily committed to the church for my entire life I would have gone and joined these people at the eco-demonstrations/ parties/ protests) it was great... especially since I spend most of my time with (lovely:) white middle class ordinands! people were just being friendly, encouraging to these v cool poets, who were raw, funny and 'conscious' - doing community and protest (next time it's in aid of fair trade/ anti corporate/ stopping climate change I am definitely going back! I wish the church was much more like that.... I am very excited tho' that I've been (re)introduced to this world, especially when so much of my training is so mono-cultural!
When people become Christians do we expect them to fit in with our culture? often i think!

just followed one of the ad's at the top of my blog to find this ohmiword!

2004-02-26T18:39:00.000Z

y'know I've been thinking recently (too much no doubt) that how you think of yourself is often a bit 'out of date'...
shall i give an example? well i tend to think that i can just about stand traditional Anglican, liturgy/old hymn-heavy services (which we'll call 'A') and actually despite my rather accidental involvement in new ways of doing church for the last 3 years (shall we call that 'B'?!) that i don't really fit there, as i didn't arrive in huff with ordinary church. I had actually done OK sustaining my faith at ordinary largish Anglican charismatic churches and i have this thought that one day i'll move out of this 'trendy' (which doesn't quite fit with my image of myself as a bit square!) phase back into 'bog-standard' Anglican worship ...

... Yesterday I discovered that that's not really true anymore as the sharp contrast between the Ash Wednesday service at college which was very much 'A' (with some truly uninspiring hymns i'd never heard of written just after the 1st millennium) and a rant from the Bishop of Buckingham about I'm not sure what (but along the lines of we're really terrible at showing Jesus to people aren't we?)
... and then just an hour later was at hOME's Ash Wednesday service which was awesome ('B') we did have liturgy - but focusing on the particular stuff we need to repent of now (consumerism, desire for fame, food focus, lack of attention to the poor) - and ashing from burning up symbols of that stuff - which was powerful... I actually met with God in the worship ('trendy' dance based songs) and so repentance and freedom actually meant something in my life right now ... i think this could be telling me something! be interesting to see how God works this out through my jobs post-Wycliffe!

2004-02-13T10:10:00.000Z

God is Good:) just been at a great communion service @ college - i just feel really privileged to be amongst people who really want to be true worshippers of God and to create a place to be real with each other:) so many other things to be thankful for too - good friends here, hOME (i.e. church!), so much material provision, knowing that God loves me and that whatever happens I'm safe with Him...

y'know the advantage and disadvantage of this knowledge really hit home yesterday when I went to see 'Touching the Void' of the book of the same name - y'know the mountaineering one where the guy cuts the rope?! Anyhow Joe Simpson, the one who falls into a crevasse and crawls out of it and many miles back to base camp with a broken leg, when his mates things he's dead for sure - in the midst of it he decides for sure that he doesn't believe in God (not great) which is just so depressing, with his consequent terrible aloness and yet that is what drives him to keep going through terrible privation and pain - he was determined not to die alone... i think if he had believed in God he wouldn't have been so determined to get back. I know I would have just thought 'well take me now Lord I'm looking forward to heaven anyhow'! That loneliness kept him alive... not sure what to think about that... maybe it's more of an insight into my laziness/cowardice than anything else!

2004-02-06T14:56:00.000Z

sigh... v tired... ah well 'worse things happen at sea' ... apparently ... according to my (formerly) annoying little brother!
Anyhow lots of good things happening in my life - feeling a bit more involved, mainly due to brief spurt of volunteering for stuff!
One really good thing, which when I'm less tired, I will be really excited about is the new 'small group' I've joined @ 'hOME' it's mission is getting involved in the arts/cafe culture scene ... and it's just a really great group of people and we had a great laugh and getting to know each other session last night ... partly based around sharing a book/film that has meant a great deal to you and why... inevitably mine was LOTR 'cos it made me think alot about courage, stepping up to leadership/responsibility even if you doubt yourself and about friendship - we all had a really good chat about the characters we most identify with and why - it was just an illuminating and somehow 'safer' way of getting to know each other - i recommend it:)

2004-01-25T20:12:00.000Z

finally started sorting my links out - is it terrible blog-ettiquette not to have done this earlier? and is it wierd to link to people's blogs who you don't know that well, but they have great things to say?

also, since i am at theological college!:

"What a mystery is this, that Christianity should have done so little good in the world!
Can any account of this be given? Can any reasons be assigned for it?"

You are John Wesley!

When things don't sit well with you, you make a big production and argue your way through everything.
You complain a lot, but, at least you are a thinker and not afraid to show it. You are also pretty
liked by people, and pretty methodological about your life and goals. You know where you're going.
Some people find you irritating, so watch out for people leaving you out of things they do.

What theologian are you?

A creation of Henderson

hmmm... little bit too indulgent of my paranoid side... the first time i did it i came out as Augustine which is a little cooler i think!
ah well 'pride before the fall' as they say!

2004-01-20T10:47:00.000Z

yet another update on the health of Ms N Hill...
Today is my second full day out of hospital, after being taken in, by ambulance, to the John Radcliffe at about 2.30am on Wednesday with extreme acute stomach pain (due to screams - flatmates thought i was being murdered!!) the doctors have no idea what caused it, but i am considerably better now and hope to be going at full speed by the end of the week! very painful and very inconvienient (sp.?)...

however had lots of lovely people visit me and send cards and stuff, including soon-to-be-beatified flatmates who visited every day:) i had a room to myself (a good thing when your visitors are raucous theological students!) and morphine for much of the time i was there ... so it's not like i wasn't looked after - thanks to the big G for all that:)

of course any prayers that this doesn't reoccur and they find out what i've got would also be appreciated;)

other than life has rather passed me by ... although due to the wonders of modern technology i had my own personal tv/'phone/radio set in my room so i am well up on daytime tv!!

sooo sometime soon i've got to write a sermon for my first outside preach (aaarghh), get cracking on my essays and generally sort out the life that went on hold last week!

take care y'all!

2004-01-08T20:40:00.000Z

ho-hum ... the poverty of being reduced to dial-up... means less blogging! (as does holidays, overdue essays and parents leaving the country for six months!)

well i haven't said anything of much interest for ages really have I? now apologies to the pagans who read this, but here's a spot of 'God-stuff' - if you want more mundane news i've done an email thingie, so email me and i'll reply with my latest day-to-day news;)

.... something i've been thinking about for the last few days is the fact as Christians we need to leave our nationality behind to some extent - that often being proud of/preferential to the way our country of origin does things is a hindrance to following Jesus. Something I had to learn when I went to the US last May... to be challenged about my prejudice against the 'States (the last acceptable prejudice in the UK?) which looked very similar to hatred and anger and jealousy when i was actually there - not really godly is it?!

It just not something you ever hear taught on - I guess it's easy for nationality to become a blindspot 'cos that's the most encompassing environment you are in - yet it's really biblical, there's the whole thing about being equal in the site of God:
Here there is no Greek or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all. but also our identity, being as citizens of heaven:

they [people in the Old Testament] admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country--a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.
Hebrews 11

Something to chew on... i might come back to this another time, but for the moment:

Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our "God is a consuming fire."

does that make any sense? very tired and should be writing an essay on the prophet Amos and Third World debt

2003-12-03T13:56:00.000Z

woo-hoo! have worked out how to do comments all by my very own self... please feel free to add some! ... it may not sound much to some of you, but I think it's quite good especially since I've never done any kind of computing course (not even word for dummies..)! still need lessons on how to make this thing look a bit nicer, rather than 'blog-standard' ...

2003-12-03T13:43:00.000Z

You are glucose. People feed off of you. You are
sweet, caring, and a source of energy for
everyone around you. You can inspire others
with your creativity and depth, and you can
keep people alive when in times of famine.
People love you...or at least the way you
taste.

hmmm bit wierd but then the 'soul' one was wierd too - I came out as artistic or rebellious which while fun isn't really me! (see bea and andy's blog)

2003-12-02T13:49:00.000Z

Well the long weekend away was FAB - a real answer to several people's prayers (thanks to God and those that prayed) despite the crazy one-night-in-each-place scenario it was actually really refreshing (something to do with getting away from Wycliffe I think!)

The time at the young leaders forum was just a fantastic space to reflect on some of the stuff that I've been going through over the last term and also to hear from God - be challenged to be less self-centred and rediscover my gifts of encouragement etc. - explains why blogging has been so difficult - I've been a little self-obsessed and haven't been taking time to reflect and therefore haven't had much to say!

Mainly what I reflected on tho' was getting my priorities right as I go through this training - knowing what's top (getting to know God better and being transformed into a more Christ-like person) and using that knowledge as a filter to balance what I spend the most time on/ how I look at the experiences I'm having i.e.
What is God showing me about himself and about me through this (good/bad/frustrating/busy) time?
What is coming to the top?
Am I paying attention?
Am I living life in context or getting things out of proportion?! (the answer to the last one is too often 'yes'!)

Eddie was fantastic - now of course will need to purchase the DVD to watch it all again and be able to include random quotes in conversation when it gets boring/i want to startle people! Really cool to catch up with Cathers and drive over the Snake Pass with her in the pouring rain and see the Peak District (sigh!) again. [really must get my sidebar links sorted out!]

Sheffield was so lovely - really nice to be amongst people who know me well and have a rather ruder sense of humour than most theological students! But also made me appreciate being out of the amazing, but rather all-encompassing, world of St Thomas' Church - I've enjoyed having new perspectives and experiences of church!

'hOME' is going well and I'm beginning to feel more part of it - just need to keep combatting my bad habit of running away and thinking I'll be found out as a rather dull 'un-trendy' person any minute now (not that any of us are super trendy!) ... the bad habits of a life time take a long time to break!

must go - have Gender, the Bible and Us now - very interesting!!

2003-11-18T19:31:00.000Z

don't have much of worth to say, but on the good news front am still alive, bit more chilled, got goodish marks for my first 3 essays, am going to see Eddie Izzard next Friday in Manchester with Cathers and then on to wonderful Sheffield (29th), and back doesn't hurt half as much as it used to:)

on the bad news side, still behind on essay deadlines, some of the practical training here is so horribly out of date it's not funny ('yes you can talk at people for 20 minutes without visual aids and they won't drop off to sleep... if they do its because they are stupid and have the attention span of a goldfish' ... not a direct quote!) not sure how i'm gonna deal with 3 years of this... ho hum

2003-11-13T15:37:00.000Z

oh happy day! have handed my pagans v. Christians essay (1st round only - 1st-3rd centuries AD) ... now onto Postmodernism woo-hoo:) (seriously I'm hoping I can waffle about this with the minimum of fuss ... surely 3 years at St Thom's has some effect?!)

Anyhow as part of my 'research' (procrastination) I discovered this link on the 24-7 website ... very amusing!! Surely the answer to any 'mission' worries guilty Christians might have?!

would love to know how to put up a comments thingy for things like this... email me if you have a moment!

2003-11-08T10:18:00.000Z

ahh so much has happened and yet so little brain to tell about it! So briefly last few weeks:

*Matthew essay = hell ... eventually 'finish'
*meet up with brother briefly back from Sudan:)
*onto next essay - Church history - Christians v. Pagans/Roman Empire = going well surprise, surprise
*suddenly get violently ill with gastroenteritis, spend a whole week in bed recovering and not eating anything/ struggling to keep water down!
*during illness saint-like flatmates look after me above and beyond the call of duty!
*finally am back to land of living, and am horribly behind with work ... again!

i am not quite at the stage of tackling said work, but may try this afternoon ... i should give thanks not just for aforementioned flatmates, but also to God for generally just being there even in my darkest moments, a beautiful tree just outside my window, family, good friends, life back in perspective and looking forward to Christmas ... hoorah!

2003-10-27T18:33:00.000Z

crappitycrap ... another essay ... another stress!! grrr stop and started so many times, I'm really confused and may have to start again - and i've got another 3 years of an essay a week... will i ever get better at them? I hope so!! it's supposed to be reading week (ie chilling out a little bit)!! I think i'm too conscientious:( I used to think it was a good thing... but recently I've been wishing I didn't have to see the consequences (long and short term) so clearly, and just sack off work and have a good time... one day?!

Still, am going to 'home' (see link on side bar) tonight which should be good ... especially since it's the first worship thing i'll've been to - last week i had an identity crisis & was really unorganised and forgot to go to three meetings, including the first home worship service thing - normally i'm ms. hyper-organised - oh Lord what is happening?!

wobble, wobble, wobble .... it'll be alright in the end I'm sure?!

2003-10-23T15:00:00.000+01:00

Hey!

Went to see Raising Victor Vargas last night - which was great... Rob and Steph thought it was amazing too! Totally on the button about the frustrations and fumblings of trying to get through being a teenager (which I tried to run away from at the time!)...

it really cheered me up as well, not just because it was a great film but 'cos i got out of college and did something normal!

2003-10-22T17:31:00.000+01:00

obviously thinking too much as it's my 3rd blog of the afternoon (see below & thethingaboutit...!)

anyhow ... been meaning to put this up for a while - came to me via Dave and Niki Foote...

How Christians live victoriously in the midst of persecution (Research done in 70 countries with 400 people)

1. they know Jesus
2. they know the intimacy of prayer
3. they have committed large portions of scripture to memory
4. they have indigenous music
5. they feel they are prayed for
6. they know their family is cared for
7. they know their suffering is for Jesus
8. they believe suffering is normal
9. they claimed their freedom
10. they have lost their fear
11. ‘genealogy’ – have learnt from their ‘fathers’ (earthly or spiritual)

Challenging or what?!

2003-10-22T16:51:00.000+01:00

OK, was gonna blog all my little moans and worries... however just been convicted by remembering what I was reading in Mike Pilavachi's book 'Wasteland?' that in the desert you need to remember to give thanks 'cos then when abundance comes you'll know where the good stuff comes from and won't get proud.... so here goes:

I am really thankful for my new friends Rob and Steph Sturdy - they are such great people... really fun to hang out with and also totally sold out for God:) (and helping me to get right through my USA prejudices)

I am really thankful that I've got a couple of emails from friends in Sheffield today - Cathers Pearson, and Hannah Stoney and that really cheered my up and made me feel loved! And that I talked with my friend Becky Taylor, and my Mum on the phone last night:)

I am thankful for the amazing provisions I have materially - home, clothes, food provided and cooked for me, teachers, books, education in general, equipment etc etc

I am really thankful that God never leaves me alone... even if that's uncomfortable sometimes... 'cos he's got a purpose, a place and people for me to be involved with!!

PRAISE GOD - HE IS GOOD!