at work for my last day (may not blog for some time after this depending on internet access out of work!) ... went home early yesterday feeling ill & wobbly... still feeling wobbly but I thought I'd make the effort and come in to round things off and tidy up...

it struck me the other day how I don't have any personal stuff (pictures and the like) I have on my desk at work - symbolic of how little I really open up about the rest of my life to my work colleagues perhaps? it's like the leaver's ball at University - I suddenly realised that all the people I could have a decent conversation with were Christians and I hadn't invested any time in making decent friendships with people who weren't yet Christians... bit of a trust problem methinks (rooted in ooo you're a Christian type bullying at school I think) ho-hum at least I've got some good friends in my next door neighbours Alex and Katell :) and I think I will keep in contact with people here, so room for having deeper frienships still... wonder when I'm gonna go through an 'evangelist' phase?! maybe being at theological college will send me screaming into the arms of lots of non-Christian friends!! (i love you church really;)

well hello cyberspace... sorry for week long unexplained absence... been in hospital!!

basically went to the GP with unexplained and pretty painful stomach-ache and she sent me off to the Hallamshire with a possible case of appendicitis, where I stayed for 3 nights - first 2 days on a drip and 'nil by mouth' which was a joy especially combined with lots of poking and prodding and blood tests and xrays and ultrasounds from a stream of different doctors and watching students!! glad to say that in those circumstances i give up any sense of embarrasment - too much energy! and on Saturday they sent me home with some painkillers (was feeling a lot better by then) and no real explanation as to what I've had... i personally suspect it's what they call a 'grumbling' appendix ... i.e. they'll probably have to whip it out at some point in the future 'cos it's not happy, however i'm not in any immediate danger right now - thankfullly

I'm finishing my job on Friday, and then moving into the commune at the weekend for 3 and half weeks before removing to Oxford.. quite looking forward to that - just hangin' out with anybody who's up for lunch/coffee/cake (hint, hint!), reading in preparation for my studies and getting a taste of life in the commune (for those of you who don't know it's just 7 people from St Thom's who share a house and try to live as a community, at least to the extent of sharing meals and having a shared bank account for bills etc)

right now however, am slogging through my first day back at work, trying to reassure my boss that all is well and that the place isn't going to fall apart when I leave!! also wondering when i leave how quickly i'll need to adapt to being somewhat poorer ... p'raps it won't feel that much different as when I'm down in Oxford i won't have to worry about rent, or food (during term time) and i won't have to buy too many more smart clothes (hoorah) .. I hope I've learnt to be much more relaxed about money and to be more generous in the last 3 years whether or not I've had money... hmmm

still somewhat underemployed at work ... however boredom is pushing to think of all the things I could possibly do to make my colleagues lives easier when I'm gone (telling them what I've done and what still needs to be done etc.) so I'm feeling quite virtuous!!

something I've been thinking about recently is that anything I find difficult to do or engage with ... it tends to be that 'difficult' = 'to be avoided at all possible costs 'cos it's 'bad', uncomfortable, puts me out!!' And whilst I have no intention of swinging to the opposite extreme of it's difficult/I don't want to do it = God's will ... I've been reading quite a lot recently about Christians who've been persecuted and not denied Jesus, who've given thanks for their difficult circumstances 'cos it has brought God glory.... I have problems fasting from even one meal, nevermind always speaking the truth in love, talking to people about Jesus no matter what that means about what they think of me, being 'Jesus' to people when I'm tired/ feeling poor/ in a hurry!!
... although I sign up to the intellectual fact that the Bible clearly teaches that as Christians we should expect to have a hard time from the world, the flesh and the devil, my actions don't reflect that, I look for the easy time, the comfortable place... even though it's not always the happiest place! how much of a paradox is that?! - the basic problem is lack of faith in God's unfailing immovable love for me and those I come into contact with... when we get a bit more of that it gives room for both the difficulties and the blessings... bring it on Lord!

I am finally doing the filing!! still, looking forward to lunch with Miss Valerie Austen - what an amazing women she is funny, thoughtful and beautiful but mostly she is wholehearted in wanting to live righteously in God's eyes - unashamed to ask people to pray with her for herself and others, always seeking to understand more of God's promises and to spend more time with Him despite and because of the stuff she struggles with ... and she really encourages me too:) hooray!

grrr gossiping colleagues do my head in!! how do you discourage gossip without being rude?! trying to counter with positive side/balance view, 'you need to say this, to them (i.e. the person they are moaning about)' statements ... I think I need to learn the 'gently challenging' mode next as they aren't getting the hint!! bless them too Lord, sort out the source of their discontentment!

What is more I think I'm reaching the 'I'm so bored I might do some filing' mode ... Oh the joy of work in August!! (but no more work after that, I finish on 29th August - hip, hip hoorah!!) Looking forward to hanging out with friends in Sheffield in September during the week days, and getting all the last bits and pieces I'll need... I've just discovered that I am gonna be matriculated into the University of Oxford - have to get the 'commoner's' gown and mortar board for the matriculation ceremony and to wear to all my exams!! I never imagined that I'd be part of that kind of world - kind of fun, kind of wierd!! (I also have to get a cassock and surplice (eek/eurgh) at some point - which, oddly, I hadn't thought about at all... it's starting to feel like I'm off to Hogwarts!!)

Also beginning to get my head round the idea of being a student i.e. having to study and do exams and essays again ... I think I'm looking forward to it! I have plenty of books to read beforehand (including specific bits of the Bible) Plus, at some point, I'll be going on preaching practice (which I guess you should expect but they spend so much time focusing on the academic stuff you kind of forget that the practical side is the most important!).. still wondering how I will get the chance to put my leadership skills into practice, so some more of the rough edges get knocked off... I'm sure God has it in hand, as with everything else! He's certainly given me a great 'student buddy' who is assigned to you (by Wycliffe Hall) to answer your questions and generally look after you beforehand and at the beginning of term - she's called Sarah Hobbs and she's already given loads of great advice/hints/tips/offers of practical help!

"For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them." Ephesians 2:10 - Bible Gateway's verse for the day - I find this really encouraging and a spur (along with the parable of the talents) to use the gifts, skills, experience and opportunities that God has given me to their fullest ... not to 'do' humility in a false-pretend-I'm-rubbish-at-everything way but to have the humility to be used by God, knowing it's all His anyhow, even if it means that you have to deal with the pitfalls of pride that come your way because God is using you... just read a great book, The Heavenly Man, which made me think about this even more, although it's not the main subject of the book by any means (which is about the life of totally amazing Chinese pastor... very humbling and challenging)... although God's been teaching me about this for sometime, I'm still not totally comfortable with owning and using my gifts with out feeling the need to apologise!

just had a fabulous time in Prague - I know I'm not the first to say this, but, if you get the chance you must go!! Historical, beautiful, relaxed and yet full of vitality - it's hard to imagine that it was ever in a communist country...

It was the first family holiday for several years - so had a great time catching up with them, especially since soon we will be doing majorly 'different' things all over the world - my brother David is returning to southern Sudan to coordinate Medair's Emergency Relief Work there, my parents, now they are retired are looking at going abroad for a couple of years to work in mission - probably for Interserve, maybe in Pakistan... I hope this will be a redemption of the hard time I had there!! And then me of course off to train for ordination in Oxford.. exciting times for the Hill family!

'transformation comes from revelation not information' ... definitely one to ponder more! On that score I would definitely like to see some revelation on how to trust God and stop fretting about things... it really takes up too much of my thinking time (I spend a lot of time thinking too!)

ooo TOTALLY forgot to say 'Whale Rider' go and see it, it's great! quite emotional - wasn't quite expecting that, but a beautiful, 'real' fairy tale, uplifting! (the website's good too)

just want to give thanks for lots of things - I think I've been dwelling too much on the stuff God's taking me through and I feel very challenged to remember to really celebrate all the goodness coming my way my heavenly Father! So much thanks for a beautiful sunny weekend, being able to get all the things done on my 'to do' list from cleaning to buying some new CD's (@ Record Collector) of which the one I really like is The Coral thought I'd break out of the mean streak I have of never buying any music, before I have no money!! Also had a really good chat to my Aunty Janet and then my friend Bryony on Friday neither of whom I've talked to in a long time and I watched 'Castaway' on video which was OK ... not sure I really 'got' it! On Saturday I cooked a truly yummy meal for Alex and Katell (my lovely next door neighbours) and on Sunday I did some gardening and went to Andrew Pickering's birthday garden party .. forgotten just how much I like Pimms!!

So those are just the 'extras' to give thanks for never mind all the stuff I take for granted! 'You are good, and what You do is good' Psalm 119:68