oh dear, very very bored at work - makes me very very tired!! haven't quite got so bored that I've started the filing yet... but it's not far off... still more time to pray for colleagues I guess ... I would really like to be given the time and the place to talk to them about Jesus before I leave. I've had plenty of opportunity to talk about my faith, it's just doesn't come naturally to me to talk to them about them and God .... I'm sure He's got it in hand, I just need to be 'awake' when the opportunities come my way!

Thinking about this, brings me back to what feels like a great weakness in my development as a Christian - I'm too good at keeping Him to myself - I don't seem to care about other people enough or even excited about God enough, to talk to people about why my life is the way it is, and why I've made and am making the choices I do. Why is this? Does this mean I've never really met God in such a way as to change my worldview? 'Cos I think I am very deeply affected by the current liberal worldview of 'what I believe is my business and not to be imposed on anyone' in fact it's almost a little eccentricity to be apologised for!! I am pretty sure this is not how Jesus would behave!! and in fact I think many people really appreciate unapologetic authenticity (not the same as arrogance). I'm still advocating witness that is grace-full and gentle (Colossians 4:5,6 & 1 Peter 3:14-16)

But how do I (and I guess actually I'm not the only one who struggles with this) get past it i.e. 'be transformed by the renewing of your minds' ... I suppose the obvious answer is to get more intimate with Jesus - for Him to be the one who defines our reality - what is worth it and what isn't ... but why doesn't that happen more? are we so enslaved by 'busyness' and a Western liberal worldview that we are blinded to how much we need there is to let go of? I know that God is not bound by it... COME ON LORD I want to see more of you and less of me!! I have a feeling I need to 'waste' a lot more time in prayer! Been reading Mike Pilavachi's book 'Wasteland' recently and he has some good stuff to say about this (in a really accessible way)... more food for thought!

well God's very busy in my life right now - I guess I shouldn't be surprised, it's a good opportunity to take advantage of all the ups and downs I'm going through and work through some of the basic insecurities that have been with me a long time - OUCH and HOORAY!! However I can't work out whether I should get some counselling, or whether God's happy to carry on working on me, as and when, (I'm not too sure that talking about myself helps very much... revelation please Lord!). It surprises me how easily I forget that there is always more stuff God wants to sort out...

On slightly less deep, but nonethless pleasing, note I had a pretty successful shopping trip to Meadowhall on Saturday (miracles DO happen!!) and also did a whole bunch of cleaning and organising on Sunday - I'd forgotten how much I can get done sometimes - really great to get stuff straight...

presently I am pondering some of the downsides of my perfectionist streak (high/unrealistic/even inappropriate expectations of myself and eventually of others I am in relationship with ... hmmm) in some ways, it has occured to me, a funny thing to have downsides to - 'Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.' (Matthew 5:48) - it's a command of Jesus

... but what does that mean? what does that look like? what should our motives look like? 'cos obviously we cannot be perfect: 'If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.' (1 John 1:8). I guess that partially covers why human perfectionism has a downside - you can't strain out the sin on your own...

but still there's the call to be perfect to be dealt with - you could deal with it by saying that what Jesus did on the cross makes us perfect, his grace received by us in faith makes us perfect in God's eyes ... perhaps the key word is 'be' not 'make yourself' ... we are just to 'be' - as God 'is' - he is perfect because of who he is, not what he does (although that flows out of it) I think that's where I go wrong a lot - I look at the outward stuff, I don't get my heart right with God about what I'm doing and why I'm doing it (where it flows out of) ... if we can 'be' who God has made us - His children, clothed in the righteousness that Jesus bought - then the more we 'are' that, the more we know it - we can 'be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is 'his good, pleasing and perfect will.' (Romans 12:2)

I guess that's what I find the most difficult about following God and the perfection he asks of us - we can't pin it down and say it must look like this. Obviously there's some basic boundaries God wants us to live within, but he's not just interested in the boundaries, he's interested in what goes on within them - that's part of what Jesus was saying to the Pharisees when he said that 'on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness.' (Matthew 23:28) 'God looks at the heart'...

btw praise the Lord for Bible Gateway - makes it so easy to find those verses you know are in there somewhere!

Went to see a preview of Goodbye Lenin a German film, with the lovely Kate Pickering last night - very good in an independent film kind of way - but not obscure, just sweet, funny, nostalgic and sad... I recommend it highly. I'm afraid the only website I could find dedicated to it was in German... but you can find the BBC review of it here just to give you a flavour...
Praise the Lord for friends who expand your worldview!

Had a great time at Han Stoney's birthday sunset gathering thing last night - I sat on my old insecuity thing - and just enjoyed myself, despite being really tired, THANK YOU LORD!!:)

Also want give thanks, again, for the Lord, and his provision through his people (my friends/brothers & sisters! ;)) - it looks like I'm gonna stay at the commune :) for the 3 1/2 weeks between leaving my house and going to Wycliffe, and that I've got some help to get me and my stuff to Oxford when I do leave - thank you so much Jesus!

Dave Cates, I don't really know you but your words are very wise and challenging!

(you may have guessed I am at work and a little bored... blogging novelty a long way from wearing off!)

having fun learning how to do my own blog... (all my own guess work so far ... including the links etc!)... anyhow... first time I did it I came out Psalms ... but this is the more consistent result... good or bad? I'm not sure!


You are Proverbs.


Which book of the Bible are you?
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'If you are a man' ... pah!

so, anyhow

on friday was at the commune filling in my Order of Mission form (finally!) doing the type-up computery bits, before I started I had wee chat with the girls who were there for tea, including the lovely Abigail about blogging and how different it is having your own blog, rather than posting on thethingaboutit - 'cos that's for several specific purposes ... thanksgiving, prayer requests, notices etc.

whereas here ... what should I waffle about? Well (and I'm just extravert-processing through this) I'm thinking I'll talk a bit about my relationship with God, have a dash of introspection (always helpful to me to get it OUT of my head!!) and interesting stuff I've found/ am studying (when I get to Wycliffe) - along the lines of the Ruth Dellar and Marshall model of blogging.
I'm hoping I can weave that into my day/week without it becoming a burden!

Anyway Home cluster and friends had a lovely one-night-only camping trip to Edale - the weather was amazing, the scenery breathtaking, the Birchenalls did a fab job of organising everybody without it feeling like we were in the army and the company was encouraging/amusing/foolish...

so why couldn't I feel the awesomeness of it all? (I did enjoy it, but felt a bit 'disconnected') I had a bit of a chat to God about it and I think it was a mixture of overfamiliarity with the lovely Edale (moving to Oxford will cure that I think ... a strange 'plus'!), tiredness (never cope with that very well) and stilll being haunted by feelings of insecurity ... grr! I realised a month or two ago that insecurity has been part of my life for so long, that it's almost become part of my identity (i.e. I expect to feel 'on the outside' a lot of the time)... I think the fact that God has shown me that, means that he's dealing with it too, but it is annoying - 'cos I know that I'm a child of God, valuable, etc. in my head, but I don't feel it/even remember it a great deal of the time! C'MON LORD!

Hello, hello!

Since I keep waffling on on thethingaboutit.com I thought it was about time I had my own blog - 'specially since I'm gonna be a student for the next 3 years (Lord help me!). I also thought that since I'm gonna be starting somewhere new, it would be a good way for friends to check out what I'm up to/ if I've lost it yet etc. etc!

Anyhow best go and do some work, since Sheffield First Partnership are gonna still be employing me for the next 2 months!

I warn you techies now, I may well need help in getting this set up 'properly'!!

love

Naomi